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See all posts for October2016

Love thy neighbour... but only after you have moved

  • October 27, 2016
  • Animals/Pets Life Sex
  • View all 2 Comments
Why...

Are neighbours the source of so much pain? I understand that one in five people have disputes with their neighbour. What surprises me is one in five don't murder them! What is it about living in close proximity that brings out character traits that would test a saint! I once had a neighbour who clamped my car while parked on the tarmac strip in front of my own garage!  Apart from wanting to recommend him to a vivisectionist, I was at a loss at why a perfectly rational human being could morph into a manic traffic warden with nothing better to do than skulk behind twitching nett curtains on the look out for unwanted visitors. Sill, forgive and remember is my motto. Next he objected to lights on the driveway that came on when I reversed out as the bulbs 'invaded his personal space'. The fact I was trying to avoid turning one of his offspring into a fajita was irrelevant! The feuding and snipping went on until he went bust and had to move. I cried for days... with tears of joy! Once I lived next to a pub with a garden that bordered with my own. I only left the landlord a note of complaint once. Dear Landlord,  I wonder if you could ask your customers to smoke their cigarettes down to the butt before flicking them into my garden. The dogs tend to try and smoke half used ones and I am trying to get them to quit. Never had another problem. And got a case of beer as an apology!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Never ask for directions and other essential tourist information...

  • October 20, 2016
  • Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Sport Travel/Nature
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Do I know more about where I visit than where I live? If you want to amuse yourself in a city you are visiting ask directions to a made up address. If it's slightly rude… even better. Piddle Lane, Butt Hole Road, Divorce Court or (my favourite) Camel Toe Drive. (These in fact all exist). Nine times out of ten the person you ask will point you with utter certainty in the direction of your fictitious address. Locals never, ever, can be seen to know less than a foreigner. It is a maxim that you are always better informed of the cities you visit than the ones you live in. Most foreigners know far more than I do about London....and I lived there off and on for fifty years. The last time I viewed the Crown Jewels at the Tower of London, TV was black and white and The Beatles wore suits. My most recent visit to the British Museum was with my toddler son......who is now a pilot! However I visit the Louvre every time I am in Paris and the Met every time I'm in New York. I would rather kiss a politician than go to the Opera in London but in Vienna it's a must. If you do want true culture always search out a local museum. There are only so many Botticelli's a man can see in a day but how about the Phallogical (gentleman's sausage) Museum in Reykjavik, Iceland? You can compare notes with the Condom Museum in Bangkok or Sex Museum in Amsterdam? Got the kids? No problem. There are Barbie museums in Paris, Rome and Montreal or a Cup Noodle Museum in Osaka.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Step right this way for your daily insult...

  • October 13, 2016
  • Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Travel/Nature
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Do I allow myself to fall repeatedly into life's traps and snares in the modern day insult pit? First public smack in the face started in record shops. Nowadays people just nick music off the Internet so a whole generation has missed out on the condescension and scorn that was directed at customers at local music stores. Whatever record I asked for was met with a "tsk-tsk" and a look of abject pity at my choice of music. So withering were the looks that I can honestly admit more than once saying with a shrug: "Yeah, I know. Crap, but what can you do? It's a birthday present for my little sister!" as I slide a Billy Joel LP into the plastic bag like it was porn that I wanted no one to know I was carrying. It only occurred to me years later that if these guys were such discerning musical genii, how come they were working at the local Kidderminster Virgin record store at minimum wage rather than rubbing shoulders with Prince or Springsteen in the recording studio? The record store guilt trip has now morphed into the facial tick I get visiting a phone store to buy a new mobile or tablet. Please tell me there are people who actually understand what the salesman is saying.... however I assume it's no one over the age of 15! Invariably I say something dumb that shows I have completely misunderstood what has been painstakingly explained to me and then bang.....that look of sympathy, like an adult indulging a child asking why the sky is blue or grass is green, flashes across the salesman's face. "I think perhaps the basic version is all you require....." Ouch.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

The man who said it's better to give than receive had the clap...

  • October 6, 2016
  • Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Life
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Does Charity have to go hand in hand with the foghorn of unrelated publicity and self-promotion? John Lennon famously said at a Royal Variety Performance in aid of Charity: "You guys in the cheap seats can clap, while you lot in the dress circle just rattle your jewelry." I am shocked at not only how much tickets for gala dinners now cost but the tiny fraction of the nights' takings that eventually filter down to the charity. The amount of money that disappears into the promotion and overhead of mega Charity Balls is eye watering, sometimes over 90%. Is it really all worth it? Women are shoehorned into impossible dresses and men pretend they look like James Bond when they are just held into their tight fitting dinner jackets by Uni-Bond. The food is a delicate balance between pretentious and uneatable. The vast ballroom is either hot enough to poach an egg in my underpants or cold enough to hear the hair on my legs crackle. As the tables are the size of a skating rink, I cannot speak to anyone but my immediate 'neighbour without a megaphone. Worst is, I invariably end up seated next to some airhead who drones on about how at a previous event she sat next to a loved up A list movie duo or Wall Street killer couple. "It was simply so amusing, dahling, " she gushes. She explains that the (now divorcing) couple competed against each other in the auction for a week in some other zillionaire's hermetically sealed villa. "Between the two they drove the price through the roof......they took a bow of course."

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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