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Another New Year. If you want to stay alive don’t tell anyone how old you are...
Why...
Tell anyone your age? Brrrrrruce, a Greenland shark was unceremoniously hoicked out of his icy home recently and duly dissected by some scientists because they thought he might be quite old. All bad news for the aquatic carnivore but good news for those who care about other people’s ages as it appears Brrrruce could have been up to 512 years old; making him by far and away the world’s oldest shark. (Sorry you lost your crown, Rupert Murdoch). However, on further investigation it appears Brrruce might only have been 272 years old. The research scientists needed some comparative analysis before they could nail down the exact number of birthday candles Brrrruce would have been entitled to, had they not caught him. “Oh no,” I hear you exclaim. “How could this be? What can we do? We must know his age. I insist we know the truth!” Simple. With a gobsmacking lack of irony, some propeller head in a wet suit said: “We really need to capture another Greenland shark (i.e.kill it) and then using comparative analysis of the eyeballs we can be sure about the age of this first one. Trouble is these sharks are very rare and difficult to find........” If I was a Greenland shark and read this during my morning coffee and herring, I’d be bloody impossible to find cos I’d be diving under that melting ice cap and heading somewhere safe, like Japanese waters where at least I won’t be harpooned as I have zero attraction to Japanese diners.
...and another thing
Until quite recently the world’s oldest living resident at a certified 507 years old, was a quiet chap called Ming the mollusk (absolutely true). He also had been an inhabitant of the northern waters and was a type of Icelandic clam known as an Ocean Quahog.
Ming however died at the hands of scientists at Bangor University trying to determine the secret to a long life.
Let me give you clowns the answer. Staying well away from men in white coats.
...and another thing
At an Old People’s retirement home, the nurse on duty heard a noise and entered the room the racket was coming from.
Inside wearing Christmas hats… and nothing else, were some of the residents enjoying a game of Christmas strip poker. They were asked to leave the home permanently.
Now if ever there was a cause for celebration of old age, this was it. The National Lottery should have made a grant right a way to research exactly how Bert, Fred, Edna and Molly were up for a rave whilst knocking on the door to their centenary. Instead of dissecting fish these scientists might like to work out how sexual libido is rampant in a centenarian… without giving him a heart attack.
...and another thing
As we careen helter-skelter into 2018 we have two men with bad haircuts threatening nuclear Armageddon and therefore the age of the oldest thing on earth. Earth itself.
In addition, Iraq has now joined North Korea in the Nuclear Club. Until very recently this was run like an old gentleman’s club in pre-war Hong-Kong with a whites and Chinese only admission policy. Now other countries have Tweeted with a bad case of #me2 and are also banging on the entrance door. Never mind. No matter how old you are just live each day as if it’s your last.
Never:
part on bad terms,
drink cheap wine
or waste your time on people full of hate.
And if you are getting Old, stay away from people in white coats!
On that Happy thought I wish all my readers a Happy New Year.
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Miss your SW6 presence. Keep ‘em coming.