All posts in category: Entertainment/Media/Arts

Just show me ... don’t write it

March 22, 2019
Entertainment/Media/Arts Life Sex Technology
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Why...

Have written instructions survived? Whenever I buy anything, I am required to download instructions or manuals as if the digital video age never happened. You can download a video on everything from how to get to the next level of Minecraft, to poaching a peacock, or sticking false eyelashes on your goldfish; so why can’t all instruction manuals be videos? Yes, if I really want to get down to the minutiae of how my MP4 player can change the space time continuum or my mobile phone will connect with the dead, I can read up on the fine print. However, 90% of people (and 100% of normal ones) simply want to know the basics of how their latest toy works. So please, let’s just have a video showing me? It would certainly make buying the odd sex toy more interesting! Part of the reason I find digital currency so complex is not the theory of having a secure method of payment outside of the clutches of government or banks but the assumption the guy in the street understands how to actually go about the process. It’s Gobbledigook. Double gobbledigook if you tried Das Coin and the electronic WebWallet nonsense via NetLeaders. In an age when FaceTime, Zoom, Skype and Instagram are the communication medium of choice, why am I still asked to download a PDF on how to work a camera! I mean it’s a camera. Visual medium. Which bright spark in marketing thought: “Well, once we have sold this, let’s send a booklet to read that’s a couple of hundred pages long....” Show me how and I might even buy some of the bolt in extras like telephotos etc.

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Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery - it’s breach of copyright.

February 21, 2019
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Life
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Why...

Have these little blogs been sprouting up elsewhere? Recently I may have been suffering delusions of grandeur as a bunch of themes from my recent missives seem to have been turning up in the wider press in a number of musings of weekly columnists. Of course it could simply be that great minds think alike and fools seldom differ. However recent posts about the Oscars (Oscar night... just has me riveted to my seat, January 24th) and hidden car rental charges (Extra! Extra! Read All About it... Actually we’d rather you didn’t which is why we put the extra costs in the fine print, January 5th) have both popped up in British national newspapers. So if you are a bored columnist itching for a quick answer to your highly paid weekly article... sod off. Otherwise I shall be forced to ask the advise of my litigious Japanese lawyer Mr. So-Sue-Me. Of course these regurgitations of my latest ramblings could be pure coincidence in the same way as those columns which have included ideas might find their articles repeated here... quite uncanny!

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🎵Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? 🎶Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And auld lang syne. WTF does this actually mean..?

Why...

Do a gazillion people hail the new year with this unintelligible song?

At least in the previous week we have had some variations with Christmas hits of years gone by, but when it comes to the New Year this Scottish caterwauling is all we can summon up.

It might be justifiable if anyone could actually remember the lyrics but like a few other songs (most notably Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Deep Blue Something, Or Blinded by the Light by Bruce Springsteen) I can only remember the song title which I loudly sing out... then mumble through the rest. So for once, this New Year I am somewhere where I will be spared this song.

As you read this, I will have spent a week trying to keep up with my wife trudging through Nepal. Whilst in the sweltering heat of a Maltese summer, I admit a few days amongst the ice and snow of Everest had a certain appeal. I fear as I stand here at midnight with a wind chill factor so cold my pubic hair crackles, I might have made an error of judgement.

All day I was sure I had ice in my veins. As midnight approached I had just had my first shot of local hooch Aila. It had an interesting effect on my stomach, tasting like something between Draino and molten lava. It has had the desired effect. My body is glowing, my cheeks the colour of condemned veal and hot enough to toast a crumpet... but I wonder if the fire will continue all the way down the alimentary canal and result in a sprint to the bathroom. Difficult in yak boots.

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Why are magazine editors and chocolate manufacturers numerically challenged?

Why...

Can’t magazine editors read a calendar or chocolate manufacturers add up? By the time you read this we will be into December but at the time of writing we are still in mid-November and yet....... I have January issues of several magazines I subscribe to. Now I can understand being two weeks ahead and jumping the gun, but nearly two months is absurd. Most magazines are vaguely topical yet if you take into account the lead time for writing articles, these ‘up to the moment publications’ are staler that last elections political manifesto. As some of you know, I am a petrolhead yet there I am reading about Evo Car of the year in the December edition complete with Santas and elves... in shirtsleeves in sunny September! Which brings me onto another point. How can you match a Christmas advertising campaign you want people to actually read in December when the magazine is dated for February?

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I am sorry, if you want to be in a ‘cowboy outfit’, please come dressed as an incompetent and dishonest plumber

Why...

Can’t I dress up without a dressing down? I understand the Student Union in Edinburgh have come out with a long list of what is no longer acceptable to wear at fancy dress. Students have been warned that costumes “based on racial or cultural stereotypes” are banned including those portraying Native Americans, Arabs, Nazis, a woman in a Burka, Buddha, a Mullah or a Catholic Priest, (although for some strange reason a nun is OK). They have now added the ‘Cowboy Outfit’! Whoever is President of the Student Union needs to donate his or her body to medical research so we can try and find out how God managed to remove the humour chromosome. This is the thinking that got rid of Kleenex Man Size tissues and will no doubt tell us ‘the time of the month’ is now when females wo-menstruate. Students are meant to be stroppy, rowdy and obsessed with big hopeless causes; saving the polar bear, stopping melting ice caps, ending world poverty or getting Simon Cowell to quit Botox and white T-shirts. They tilt like Don Quixote at these windmills of impossible dreams until the real post graduate world bites. Your bolshy economics student grows up when he has to go spend their cash on white goods (washing machine, fridge, freezer) rather than a few tabs of E. But fancy dress! Is that a needy focus of undergraduate ire?

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Why do so many movies keep me in the dark

October 19, 2018
Entertainment/Media/Arts Life Technology
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Why...

Are Directors so obsessed about shooting in the dark? In a fit of masochism and boredom I decided to watch the latest Star Wars extravaganza, Solo, on a plane. 85% was shot in the dark. I hardly could make out anything (except the actor playing Solo had all the verve and personality of a week-old halibut). Now all that darkness might look uber cool on a screen wide enough to land a Millennium Falcon on, but puh-lease.... more and more people watch movies on TV screen tablets or even smart phones. Dark Don’t Display. This is a classic case of creatives sticking heads up collective arses and ignoring reality. To see all those effects on tiny screens needs brightness. Here is a tip for the major studios. You want a few extra $ million in downloads? Shoot an entire picture during the day!

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Nice outfit. Where do you keep the fire extinguisher?

September 28, 2018
Animals/Pets Entertainment/Media/Arts Sex
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Why...

Are we obsessed with safety in all things, except what can actually kill us? Last Christmas my wife and I attended a carol service in London. Before the service started with a candlelit procession and a lone voice singing out ‘Silent Night’, we got a safety announcement. Yup. All the lights were switched on, organ music stopped and the priest in full air stewardess mode pointed out where the fire exits were in case a candle ignited a choir boy’s cassock or some incense managed to set fire to a pew. This in a building that had survived over 1,000 years and never so much as had a runaway candle singe an altar cloth. However later this year my wife has organised a huge charity bash here in Malta to save the Valletta Skyline starring the world’s best ABBA Tribute Band, Revival. So it’s time for fancy dress… out with blue eyeliner, bellbottom trousers and platform shoes. As I am not quite the snake hipped love god of 40 years ago, my old clothes are a tad snug, so I need to hire an outfit. There is a smorgasbord of ABBA costumes available to buy on the web... most of which have a small warning saying stay away from a naked flame or the wearer will turn into a Roman Candle. So there you have it. Come to a church made predominantly out of stone and be subjected to a fire drill, but buy some clothes that can toast you like a marshmallow and tough luck. Yo-yo (You are on Your own).

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Casting call for Aliens in next Star Wars movie. Only real Aliens need apply!

Why...

Is there now a huge gerfuffle over actor Jack Whitehall being given a role as a gay character in a Disney movie? Not because Disney are giving a prominent role to a gay character but because in real life he is not gay so some say he should not get the role.

When I was a Producer casting for roles, I chose the actor or actress best able to portray the character. Doh! It’s called acting.

So does this current nonsense mean that John Hurt should never have played The Naked Civil Servant, a multi award winning production about the first real gay activist Quentin Crisp?

Sean Penn (a renowned swordsman) got an Oscar for playing the gay Harvey Milk.

On the other side of the coin Rupert Everett has played a hunky heterosexual numerous times and gay Cynthia Nixon played Miranda Hobbes, one of the man eaters in Sex and the City.

This debate is utter nonsense brought on by people whose IQ matches their shoe size. Please would someone with some real credibility in Hollywood stand up and tell them to shut up.

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It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it

August 3, 2018
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Technology
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Why...

Do I care what pattern kitten heels British PM Theresa May is wearing at the next Brexit battle or that the President of the EU is so plastered he cannot even stand up? Surely it’s the outcome of events that matters, not the window dressing surrounding them... but of course it isn’t. Hats off to the English football team (though how are they 4th in the world when losing three games out of six) but most people associate our World Cup campaign with Manager Gareth Southgate’s waistcoat rather than wasted opportunities in front of a goal. Trump is all about haircuts, wandering hands (admittedly the size of G.I. Joe’s) and being rude/blunt/economic with the facts. All quite amusing and the best news fodder any President has gifted to the press since Washington’s teeth got woodworm. But in the long lens of history all irrelevant, which is a shame. The trouble is far reaching results are not instantaneous and do not fit prime time schedules. We focus on things we can control and in our pre-set time frame. So we obsess on the minutiae of events rather than the bigger picture.

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Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder... ...how the f*#k you got it!

July 20, 2018
Animals/Pets Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Work
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Why...

Are stars listed for goods and services that mean utter bullsh*t? Let’s start with the supernova of stars, the seven star hotels in the Gulf. According to the Hotel Star Registry, there is no such thing as a seven star hotel. Well guys, I hate to tell you, the Burg al-Arab boasts them. Hard to miss it. It’s the third highest building in the world. The fact no one challenges this self aggrandising nonsense is a clear example of how the rating system is abused globally. Technically I believe the star rating system was started by the Forbes Travel Guide, formerly Mobil Travel Guide, which launched its star rating system in 1958. The AAA and their affiliated bodies use diamonds instead of stars to express hotel and restaurant ratings levels. However, although many countries have legal requirements for star designation, others do not. This makes a mockery of the whole system. A four star hotel in say London or New York is in a different league to one in some islands in Southern Europe or Africa. To qualify to be five star you need to have shops on hand available to buy essentials. However there is nothing to say a vending machine would meet that requirement... and in some countries they do! In China saunas and spas are not a requirement to get five stars but a room to play cards and mahjong is! In Mongolia I assume you need somewhere to tether your Yak whereas in London it’s an underground car park.

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Whatever happened to the three martini lunch?

June 28, 2018
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations
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Why...

Have we let naked ambition put cordial working relationships on a strict diet? Of course I blame purple braces, red Porsches and Gordon Gekko. The first casualty from Big Bang in the 1980’s was the three martini lunch. If lunch was for wimps, then count me in (if that’s no too much trouble)! I remember my early days in the City working in Lloyd’s Insurance market on Kidnap and Ransom insurance. Twice a year I would have lunch in the Directors boardroom at Fenchurch Street Brokers with an underwriter who got deeply offended if after cocktails then wine, we did not finish off a bottle of port. Of course we were fried as owls and no work was done that afternoon, but we never had a row, always got our man back if someone was kidnapped and the world shone brightly through the gimlet of the bi-annual assault on our livers. Could this Underwriter have been a touch richer, more ruthless and generate more moohlah for his company? Possibly? But then I probably would not have wanted to spend time with him or give him my business. In 1980 everything suddenly got serious. Fun was out as the new slave drivers assured us no one could possibly get rich being a bit silly. I suppose that’s one reason why shortly after Big Bang I left the City and ended up working for a man who had made millions sticking his hand up a Frog’s bottom. Jim Henson and The Muppets were back then an Entertainment behemoth... and not that we ever overindulged in anything to the detriment of that wonderful company, but indulge we all did. And it all (like Kermit) went along swimmingly. Chalk one up to the silly people.

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The Village Idiot has gone global

May 25, 2018
Entertainment/Media/Arts Life Politics Technology
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Why...

Are complete idiots so keen to show the rest of us how stupid they are and why do we lap it up? Now this is not me having a rant and sour grapes. I happily peddle this blog for mainly selfish reasons… I simply enjoy doing it. But honestly who would have believed that a format that is literary in nature would see as the pinnacle of success the scribblings a bunch of self-obsessed wannabees. Originally the internet gave us a lovely set of rose tinted spectacles and we were encouraged to believe the ether would be filled with undiscovered literary titans. China no doubt would produce a dozen Mark Twains, (his little-known book Running for Governor was actually taught to every Chinese kid in school). Instead we got Fang Junping, who is an overnight blogging sensation there… as he explains cosmetics to a population that a few decades ago all wore the same uniform and the only bestseller was Mao’s little red book!

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Wear a tie if you want to be taken seriously

Why...

Don’t people understand that a business suit is just 21st Century armour? It’s meant to be intimidating. It’s expensive, often handmade and bloody uncomfortable. This is something that is close to home for me. I’m actually allergic to wool, so when I dress up in a suit and tie I itch like a flea infested baboon rolling in a nettle-bed but my dear business partners explain that’s a small price to pay for some financial or legal glory. Some folks might think it’s bangin’ to turn up to a meeting with Bankers or Lawyers in Nike Louis Vuitton sneakers ($2,500) and a Dolce and Gabana t-shirt ($1,300), but all you’ll be banging is your head on a brick wall. There are rules and regs in life and these include costumes. Run against that and you simply put yourself at a disadvantage. And if you think dressing like a walking advertising slogan makes a statement… it’s that you are a gullible twat!

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Another New Year. If you want to stay alive don’t tell anyone how old you are...

December 29, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Sex
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Why...

Tell anyone your age? Brrrrrruce, a Greenland shark was unceremoniously hoicked out of his icy home recently and duly dissected by some scientists because they thought he might be quite old. All bad news for the aquatic carnivore but good news for those who care about other people’s ages as it appears Brrrruce could have been up to 512 years old; making him by far and away the world’s oldest shark. (Sorry you lost your crown, Rupert Murdoch). However, on further investigation it appears Brrruce might only have been 272 years old. The research scientists needed some comparative analysis before they could nail down the exact number of birthday candles Brrrruce would have been entitled to, had they not caught him. “Oh no,” I hear you exclaim. “How could this be? What can we do? We must know his age. I insist we know the truth!” Simple. With a gobsmacking lack of irony, some propeller head in a wet suit said: “We really need to capture another Greenland shark (i.e.kill it) and then using comparative analysis of the eyeballs we can be sure about the age of this first one. Trouble is these sharks are very rare and difficult to find........” If I was a Greenland shark and read this during my morning coffee and herring, I’d be bloody impossible to find cos I’d be diving under that melting ice cap and heading somewhere safe, like Japanese waters where at least I won’t be harpooned as I have zero attraction to Japanese diners.

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Christmas is coming... Oy vey!

December 21, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations Sex
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Why...

Is Christmas so confusing? The weird thing about Christmas is we all think we have a shared vision but in fact each of us has a very specific ideal that has very little in common with anyone else... apart from over indulgence and a fat man with a beard (or thin if you are Dutch - see what I mean?). Is it a real or fake tree? If it’s fake, you need to use it for twenty years before it is ‘greener’ than a real one. In Catalan they have a guy called the Caganer in the nativity scene. This is a guy having a poop! Yup apparently it denotes fertility and good luck. In Austria Santa is accompanied by a demon called Krampus who punishes the ‘naughty’ kids in ‘naughty or nice’ and in Holland the locals black up like Al Jolson as a character called Black Pete. First thing Christmas morning is it stockings or boots? (no, not those kind of stockings and boots... though they may indeed make a very Happy Christmas for someone). Is a cracker a paper present you pull, a good looking member of the opposite sex you pull or something you put cheese on? Is the Christmas meal dinner on Christmas Eve, lunch on Christmas Day or dinner... or all three? Do you overeat Roast Turkey, Roast Goose, Roast Beef or nut cutlets? In Japan the whole country eats Kentucky Fried Chicken. So popular is it, that you must order two months in advance. I sort of get it as turkey sushi would bring salmonella as it’s Christmas present. In Greenland it’s Kiviac which is fermented sea birds wrapped in seal blubber. Yum! Outside, is it snowballs or sunscreen, football or soccer, ski-ing on snow or water? Inside it is splodging in front of the TV to watch a Christmas Story, The Great Escape, Elf or The Queen’s Speech? In Sweden everyone watches Donald Duck!

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I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here... ...and into a product endorsement

December 7, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Finance/Law
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Why...

Do superstars worth hundreds of millions put so little value on their integrity? Super famous people stooping to leverage their relationship with the public to push products, always seems a bit grubby to me. Whilst I understand a minor soap star, weather girl or game show host might need a few extra bucks to pay for the perma-tan, do Oscar winning mega celebrities worth $100m + really need to sell his or her sole for a few extra bits of silver? The admirable George Clooney pulls in a few million by pushing coffee and watches. He says this money funds his charity work. Fair enough you might say. But for me if I wanted to give to charity, I’d do it with what I earn from my day job, not from extra goodies moonlighting as a pitchman for products I don’t really use on a regular basis.

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On your marks, get set, pay

Why...

Does watching live sport bother me? Recently there has been some fuss in the USA about NFL football players making a protest by going down on one knee. Well I have a protest... and I am on both knees praying for some sanity. I have just returned from a Thanksgiving week in Washington DC. During that time I was kindly treated to a basketball match with the Washington Wizards and an ice hockey match with the local Washington Capitals. The seats for the basketball cost my host $275 each and the ice hockey an eye watering $375 each. OK, in each case a hot dog and beer were included in the price. In addition my son wanted a shirt of the Washington Capital’s (ice hockey) leading scorer. A snip at $225! Now this poor love is only paid a piddling $16m a year basic so needs those shirt royalties. He is a pauper compared to his football colleagues who can earn ten times that! Yup there are players with $200m contracts... and the market happily pays for it. And to add insult to injury the salaries now require endless commercial breaks to pay for all this. It means a game with an actual playing time of just over an hour can last a decade to play out (well, at least over three hours). To put all this in perspective the result is some season tickets costing $50,000 a year. Now slap my ass and call me Sally but spectator sport was meant to be enjoyed by everyone. At these prices, it is now clearly the preserve of the über-rich. Whatever happened to “jerseys for goalposts and an orange segment at half time”? I am all for the free market but not for the market free-for-all. Salaries for sports stars are eventually paid for by you and I. If I object as a shareholder to some CEO being paid $ gabillion why can I not as a Sky subscriber protest that a bouffant haired soccer star is being paid £2m a month... after tax. Now I know this line of talk is going to make me very unpopular with gilt furniture manufacturers in Cheshire or diamond ear stud suppliers to the NFL in the USA but guys... you are overpaid over compensated over indulged and the real world is way over the rainbow.

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There are only two things I dislike about you... your face.

Why...

Not admit it. A sprinkling of hypocrisy adds spice to life. It’s the one time us mortals feel superior to those meant to be our elders and betters. Rumours abound that after playing arenas in the US, rather than diving into a mound of cocaine and groupies in their bedroom suites, certain Dinosaurs of Rock head out to the airport and a private jet to make sure they never spend a night in the USA... all to avoid tax. Very spirit of Woodstock! It even appears from the Paradise Papers that the saintly Bono may have feet of clay... that he no doubt leases back to himself to avoid Value Added Tax. I commented a couple of weeks ago on the squeals of surprise from industry bigwigs over the Harvey Weinstein revelations. This week in the wink of an eye Netflix have disowned Kevin Spacey for alleged serial behavior they of course knew nothing about....despite working cheek by jowl over several years! They did however know House of Cards had been instrumental in their growth into a media behemoth. And yet I can’t help having a sneaking admiration for those who so blatantly do not practice what they preach. Armstrong’s filmed condemnation of the use of drugs in sport is a truly Academy Award Winning performance. Knowing that Tax and Finance Ministers have secret bank offshore bank accounts, Televangelists get filmed in orgies and fitness trainer’s washboard stomachs are from liposuction, makes people in authority less terrifying. Next time you are in front of a male judge imagine under that wig and robes are fishnet stockings and six inch Manolo Blahniks. Then he ain’t quite so intimidating.

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W.H.O. are you, ♫ whooooo-hoo, ♫who-who?

Why...

Not add suggestions to compliment the W.H.O award to Robert Mugabe as Goodwill Ambassador? Nobel Peace Prize: Kim Jung Il Comeback of the Year: OJ Simpson Humanitarian of the Year: Harvey Weinstein Good Housekeeping of the Year: FIFA Conde Nast Holiday Destination of the Year: Barcelona Spain Catalonia, Europe Most in Demand After Dinner Speaker of the Year: Bill Cosby Airline of the year: Ryan Air Most Anticipated Invitation of the Year: President Trump to Buckingham Palace Crime Reformer of the Year: President Duterte of The Philippines Toy of the Year: The Cowboy Outfit formerly known as a Goldman Sachs Diplomat of the Year Award: Dennis Rodman Employment and Career Advisor of the Year: Anthony Scaramucci

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I need to check into a Sex addiction clinic...

October 19, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Sex
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Why...

Am I confused as to what happens at a sex addiction clinic? If you are addicted to heroin and you check into a clinic, they have to wean you off using methadone or similar. So if you check in with sex addiction what is the cure process? “OK Mr.Weinstein. We will start you off on three 20 year old nurses a day down to two after the first week. Next sex with the 60 year Old head matron followed by a blow up doll and then finally a cup of cocoa and Mills and Boon novels. If the addiction still persists we will force feed you viagra and lock you in a room for a massage with Shrek’s wife Fiona... and Shrek himself to make up a threesome afterwards”.

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All posts in category: Entertainment/Media/Arts

Just show me ... don’t write it

Why...

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery - it’s breach of copyright.

Why...

🎵Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? 🎶Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And auld lang syne. WTF does this actually mean..?

Why...

Why are magazine editors and chocolate manufacturers numerically challenged?

Why...

I am sorry, if you want to be in a ‘cowboy outfit’, please come dressed as an incompetent and dishonest plumber

Why...

Why do so many movies keep me in the dark

Why...

Nice outfit. Where do you keep the fire extinguisher?

Why...

Casting call for Aliens in next Star Wars movie. Only real Aliens need apply!

Why...

It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it

Why...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder... ...how the f*#k you got it!

Why...

Whatever happened to the three martini lunch?

Why...

The Village Idiot has gone global

Why...

Wear a tie if you want to be taken seriously

Why...

Another New Year. If you want to stay alive don’t tell anyone how old you are...

Why...

Christmas is coming... Oy vey!

Why...

I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here... ...and into a product endorsement

Why...

On your marks, get set, pay

Why...

There are only two things I dislike about you... your face.

Why...

W.H.O. are you, ♫ whooooo-hoo, ♫who-who?

Why...

I need to check into a Sex addiction clinic...

Why...