All posts in category: Food & Drink

Upselling to the downtrodden

Why...

Buy a Coke at the cinema that is so big an Olympic diver could use it for high board practice… and you will need a pee half way through the movie if you drink it all? Sucker! You were upsold something useless… and probably with a box of popcorn deep enough to hide Jimmy Hoffa. As I trundle about my everyday life it's becoming nearly impossible not to have some snake oil salesmen try and upsell me on everything I buy. Let’s start with useless upsell number 1- High Octane Performance fuel. The Octane is a flammable hydrocarbon added to petrol and is basically the optimum compression point in the piston cycle when the fuel explodes. If my car can do that with 95 Octane it is an utter waste of money to buy 98 Octane ‘High Performance’ fuel. It will do nothing, zip, nada, blobski-bloojah, f*ck all in terms of performance and just cost me a few more cents per litre. Now that I have been conned out of a few bucks filling up, it’s time for a trip to my supermarket where I am inundated with upsell offers…the result of this is the interior of the car is filled with enough loo paper and fish fingers to supply a battalion of men in Helmand Province. Unless I have amoebic dysentery and only eat fish morning noon and night for thirty years I ain’t ever using it all. Time to go home and watch something on TV? Most digital services make you stack package on top of package before you can get to pay per view movies or entire series box sets. Why? It is irrelevant now with on line services offering pay per view circumventing the need to even have packaged TV… and to add insult to injury the pay TV services then want to charge me more on pay per view than iTunes!!

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Double does not mean two of one

August 31, 2017
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Travel/Nature
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Why...

Am I surrounded by nitwits who fail to understand the difference between twice and double? I recently drove 1,200 miles in a car race around Spain and this entailed my wife and I stopping every night in a different hotel... each booked with a double bed. However most of the time this meant I slept in the San Andreas Fault line as hotels seem to think a double bed is just two singles shoved together. It isn't. Their restaurants certainly know the difference in price between a magnum of champagne and two single bottles. On the other hand, a double burger is a double sized patty not two measly bits of beef the consistency and size of a beer coaster stacked one on top of the other.

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What's wrong with a stereotype?

July 27, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Work
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Why...

Is there such an outcry about gender stereotypes in advertising? Clichés in advertising either make me howl with laughter or throw things. In either case they have the opposite effect on what the advertiser wants therefore they are just bad campaigns. However a targeted market may contain a stereotype and these can be very good campaigns. And as we know, today's cutting edge is tomorrow's stereotype. Have you watched the iconic ‘I'd like to teach the world to sing’ Coke add recently? It makes your teeth itch it's so clichéd. The opposite of an advertising gender stereotype is a gender A-typical stereotype…which by definition is niche. Last time I checked, advertising either wants to reinforce its brand to its core buyer or take its competitors, not worry about niche. Yes of course there are boys who play with dolls, men who enjoy catalogue shopping or talk to strangers while having a pee; even women who hunt bears or smell their socks before throwing them in the laundry basket. Just because these groups exist why is a Marketing Executive made to feel guilty about an advertising campaign that gives him the biggest bang for his buck and does not address small groups? "I'm awfully sorry Mr. CEO for spending a zillion £,€,$ or ¥ on a campaign for washing up liquid aimed at bricklayers. But research shows 3.267549% wash dishes too you know and some are keen to have soft hands." This nonsense is spouted by people who have no common sense. They are just incensed. In the interest of being more inclusive to minorities may I suggest their views should only be reported for six months in niche periodicals like the Newt Lover's Gazette, The Macramé Times or Morris Dancer's Today to reach those people who might be interested in their message but not read national newspapers, listen to the radio or watch TV?

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When will we ever learn...

July 13, 2017
Animals/Pets Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

Is it a surprise if, four hours after ending the evening with Vodka shots and jelly babies, I have a hangover you could land a Jumbo Jet on? The one saving grace about over indulgence on holiday is you can skulk about in a dark room till midday… when even hangovers that make your hair hurt begins to subside. But it seems there is a moment on every vacation when even perfectly sane people have some sort of synapse malfunction and revert to being teenagers. My saintly in-laws last year suddenly realised they had never jumped fully clothed into a pool and to their immediate left stood such an inviting one.... splash!

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What did Europe ever do for you...

May 18, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Life Politics
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Why...

As we waive bye-bye to the EU can we not acknowledge that Europe has made some small beneficial contributions to English life? In the old days before dear old Blighty got friendly with Johnny Foreigner and joined what was then the European Economic Community, life in Britain was a tad dreary. Our European friends gave us modern bathrooms. 40 years ago English bathrooms were a place so opposed to change it would have made North Korea look like Narnia. A blindfolded Victorian would have had no trouble finding his way about. Firstly we had no mixer taps! I would run a separate hot and cold tap in a basin and wave my hands about like a magician to balance out freezing cold and burning hot. In a bath my left foot poached but my right one got chilblains. A shower cubicle was seen a waste of a linen cupboard and anyway, if I wanted a shower I could always attach what looked like a large rubber stethoscope to the bath hot and cold taps and hose myself down.....until one flew off so hot water boiled my feet and the cold froze my head till my hair crackled. A bidet was a rather quaint invention only ever found in foreign hotels. When I asked my mother what it was, she explained they were to wash your feet in or rinse a bathing suit. In my first flat my plumber had never been abroad and I asked him to fit one. He screwed it to the ceiling thinking it was a shower... I know we love our heritage but hanging onto a flushing system invented in Victorian times by Mr. Crapper (strange but true) seemed sticking to tradition in the extreme. In nearly every home in the 1970's there were loos with a chain with Pull written on the handle (as opposed to doing what)? Above a water tank frequently leaked and when activated made a noise like a concrete mixer. Four decades on the Brits still don't like electrical items in the bathroom so UK homes with hairdryers, electronic heated loos, make-up lighting or chargers for cell phones or tablets whilst having that all important post breakfast 'ablution' are rare. Certainly no radio nor TV! But dual taps only exist now in stuffy old clubs and Downton Abbey.

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The problem with a plane...

Why...

Are smells allowed free access to an aircraft cabin? There is a type of traveler that needs to be severely dealt with. Sorry, but if you have Body Odour that whips me, I ain't sitting next to you on a ten hour flight. In the same way they run those portable metal detectors round your body, they should have one of those electronic smell detectors they have on CSI. If you rate 4 noses or above on the sniffometer...unless you have a shower, you can't get on board. Then there is the 'What did you have to eat' interrogation. If you had a curry, baked beans or Brussels sprouts (with resultant imminent ass-coughs) you should also be forced to wait until you have fully digested the meal.

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A recent opinion poll listed Usain Bolt as the slowest man and Mary Poppins as a love Goddess...

March 10, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Sex
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Why...

Do we bother to have polls which ask meaningless questions and provide useless opinions? Opinions only matter if they are a result of a relevant set of facts given to experts to make a judgement on. Bolt of course comes bottom of the speed list if the others are Superman, The Flash, and Lewis Hamilton in a Grand Prix car. Mary Poppins trounces Mother Theresa, Medusa or Chancellor Angela Merkel on a beauty list of women with the letter M. It was budget day in the UK on Wednesday and I was listening to the results of a Sky Poll that asked the question “What should the Chancellor do with a minor windfall from a small shoot of recovery from new businesses? Should he spend it on:

A) The NHS (hurrah hurrah),

B) Social Services (yeyyyy),

C) Cut the rate of Corporation Tax (boo, hiss)?”

Giving money to Social Services is not binary to giving tax breaks. We all want to look after those less fortunate. However, to offer either giving more to welfare or granting business a tax cut, is a question of such naiveté that it makes believing in a unicorn an incontrovertible scientific fact.

Lesson 101 basic social economics. You can only afford to give more if you earn more. UK corporate taxes are too high compared to others and so act as a disincentive. Let’s encourage growth, take a short term hit by lowering current corporation tax and soon there will be an increase in tax revenue. Bingo! Then give out more money from a bigger pot.

"Would you like the Chancellor to increase the debt for your children or wait a couple of years and then spend more on hospitals etc. as well as reduce your debt?"

Put like that you might get a different opinion. Or... not as no one understands the question!

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Cornflakes, the world’s best glue…

Why...

Does the holiday season always seem to involve glue? I suppose presents littered about the floor like plastic landmines, mixed with your best china on the table, kids so hopped up on sugar they could give Usain Bolt trouble at the 100 metres and unstable guests who have spent six hours gargling your booze, means that people inevitably fall over and things get broken. Yet despite claims that new superglues can attach a hippo to a space rocket on lift off, in my experience no glue ever works. In fact the only thing glue is brilliantly good at, is unsticking my temper.

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Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow you will want to strangle the relatives

Why...

Do relatives take priority over anyone else at Christmas? Don't misunderstand me, I adore every branch, root and twig of my family. However I also love my dogs, a couple of classic cars, a Lalique mask, a nicely worn leather jacket, a teddy bear and some very dear friends. Yes all in different ways but it seems at Christmas family is often to the exclusion of all else. Now as a kid I used to find it fairly amusing to meet up with Uncle Tuppy (yup, swear that was his name), Great Aunt Alice, Aunty Sheila and others who now are long gone and no doubt pulling crackers and swilling port in heaven. However as we really only came together once a year the novelty value soon wore off and I thought they were all bonkers and I am sure they felt I was some snot nosed brat (none of the aforementioned had kids). A brief lunch maybe but to stay manacled together for three or four days is a recipe for Lizzie Borden-like hungering for an axe! Distant relatives are like fish. After three days they go off. Christmas is a time of good will towards all men but to achieve that maybe put a time limit on each person? My American cousins are lucky as they have a Christmas doppelgänger a month earlier in Thanksgiving. That is the big family get together, always on a Thursday (see why Click Here). They get that out of the way and have the choice at Christmas to go away, be with friends or again link up the family tree.

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Opinion Pollsters.......the world's most useless profession?

Why...

Are opinion polls as reliable as a chocolate teapot? The largest wailing sound after Donald Trump's victory did not come from Hillary Clinton's hotel suite. It came from the offices of the smuggest of all 20th Century inventions…the Official Pollster. Despite twice in the UK being proved to be as accurate as a cross-eyed tattooist (Conservative Victory and Brexit), the pollsters' Achilles heel is they seem unable to grasp so many of us fib to them. Their self-importance (only matched by their belief we are flattered by being asked our opinion), belongs to the thinking of 75 years ago; a time when the man in the street doffed his cap to a Gent in a suit with a clipboard! During an election you not only resent being asked your vote every time the wind changes direction, but also the scorn or derision your views might bring down. If the media hounds your preferred choice at an election as being the spawn of Satan, you are unlikely to say to a complete stranger that Beelzebub has got your vote, for fear of their reaction. It seemed obvious to me that 90% of the undecided in the US probably meant a vote for La Donald and a good chunk of those declared for Hillary were secret Trump kissers. My beef here is not if someone is a good candidate or not; if you want to vote for Biffo The Bear as Prime Minister, that is your entitlement. What astonishes me is Opinion Pollsters belief what we say to them nowadays is even on nodding terms with our true feelings.

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The pen is mightier than the sword... so long as it is writing gossip

Why...

Do we allow real news to be eaten up by rumour and gossip? I promised never to write about events of the moment but is pretty clear to me the battle between Hillary and Donald was fought not with facts on policy but rumour and tittle-tattle all dressed up in self righteousness. But let's be honest. The truth is we are all more interested in the activities from inside someone's underpants than what goes on between their ears. What is Facebook, Twitter and other social platforms other than a digital funnel to feed grist into the rumour mill?

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Are you a Masochist? Yes if you watch cable news and then order a Pad Thai

November 3, 2016
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Life
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Why...

Living on a small island with a terrible choice of cable channels have I developed a masochistic streak that compels me to watch mind numbingly bad commercials on International news networks like CNN? These travesties to the creative advertising community are throwbacks to the 1950's. But instead of Mom in an A-line skirt trying to persuade me to invest in some Tupperware, an earnest voice asks me to move my entire business to some unstable country or my money into a Bank I have never heard of. I can only assume the rates for the commercials are payable via Groupon as the scripts make a Hallmark Card a Pulitzer contender and the acting is as wooden as Elvis' heart. The real mystery is who on earth do they think are actually watching these? (Apart from knobby-no-mates like me who just howl with laughter.) Does someone really believe a Captain of Industry or a Titan from Wall Street is going to take a break from his next mega-billion deal to watch Focus Africa at 3 in the afternoon about a co-op making sweaters out of Matabele gumbo beads or a mime troupe re-imagining Hamlet out on the Serengeti? Worthy and important as these things may be they are not going to hold the attention of Gordon Gekko or Ritchie Rich. "Quick get me the Financial Director. We need to put all our money in this Bank of Lilliput. This commercial has won me over." Or "Let's move out of Silicon Valley and take a seaview building in Atlantis. Who cares there are land mines scattered around like confetti from the previous civil war, the locals are not even on nodding terms with the English language and the airport safety record is on a par with a Samsung Note 7." Whilst I admit a well-crafted ad might make me think twice about which supermarket to visit or perhaps try a new shampoo, major corporate decisions are not made because of these pitches.

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Never ask for directions and other essential tourist information...

October 20, 2016
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Sport Travel/Nature
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Why...

Do I know more about where I visit than where I live? If you want to amuse yourself in a city you are visiting ask directions to a made up address. If it's slightly rude… even better. Piddle Lane, Butt Hole Road, Divorce Court or (my favourite) Camel Toe Drive. (These in fact all exist). Nine times out of ten the person you ask will point you with utter certainty in the direction of your fictitious address. Locals never, ever, can be seen to know less than a foreigner. It is a maxim that you are always better informed of the cities you visit than the ones you live in. Most foreigners know far more than I do about London....and I lived there off and on for fifty years. The last time I viewed the Crown Jewels at the Tower of London, TV was black and white and The Beatles wore suits. My most recent visit to the British Museum was with my toddler son......who is now a pilot! However I visit the Louvre every time I am in Paris and the Met every time I'm in New York. I would rather kiss a politician than go to the Opera in London but in Vienna it's a must. If you do want true culture always search out a local museum. There are only so many Botticelli's a man can see in a day but how about the Phallogical (gentleman's sausage) Museum in Reykjavik, Iceland? You can compare notes with the Condom Museum in Bangkok or Sex Museum in Amsterdam? Got the kids? No problem. There are Barbie museums in Paris, Rome and Montreal or a Cup Noodle Museum in Osaka.

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Step right this way for your daily insult...

October 13, 2016
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Travel/Nature
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Why...

Do I allow myself to fall repeatedly into life's traps and snares in the modern day insult pit? First public smack in the face started in record shops. Nowadays people just nick music off the Internet so a whole generation has missed out on the condescension and scorn that was directed at customers at local music stores. Whatever record I asked for was met with a "tsk-tsk" and a look of abject pity at my choice of music. So withering were the looks that I can honestly admit more than once saying with a shrug: "Yeah, I know. Crap, but what can you do? It's a birthday present for my little sister!" as I slide a Billy Joel LP into the plastic bag like it was porn that I wanted no one to know I was carrying. It only occurred to me years later that if these guys were such discerning musical genii, how come they were working at the local Kidderminster Virgin record store at minimum wage rather than rubbing shoulders with Prince or Springsteen in the recording studio? The record store guilt trip has now morphed into the facial tick I get visiting a phone store to buy a new mobile or tablet. Please tell me there are people who actually understand what the salesman is saying.... however I assume it's no one over the age of 15! Invariably I say something dumb that shows I have completely misunderstood what has been painstakingly explained to me and then bang.....that look of sympathy, like an adult indulging a child asking why the sky is blue or grass is green, flashes across the salesman's face. "I think perhaps the basic version is all you require....." Ouch.

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Hitler, Genghis Khan, Pol Pot and Charles Manson all had one thing in common...

Why...

When we are designed as omnivores do some people become fanatical at becoming a vegetarian. Many indeed argue that on top of health benefits, not eating meat can do wonders for your temperament. The above lot in the the title were all famous vegetarians but it certainly didn't do much to improve relationships with their fellow man! Don't misunderstand me, if you choose to eat mung beans, Brussels sprouts and cauliflower cheese that's entirely your choice, (though I'd prefer not to sit next to you on a transatlantic flight). What does puzzle me is if you are vegetarian, why on earth would you then eat food that resembled meat?! Nut cutlets, Quorn sausages, tofu based spaghetti Bolognese, or nut roast at Thanksgiving! That's like giving up smoking then spending all day sucking on candy cigarettes (yup, believe it or not, when I was a kid you could buy sweets that looked like cigarettes).

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Lassie, come quick. It's a new season of Bones......

Why...

Do we try and shove onto pets our own 21th Century problems and psychosis? A successful Cable Operator friend rang me a few years ago. "I just had two guys in here trying to sell me a dog channel.What do you think?" "You mean endless adventures of Rin Tin Tin, Crufts Dog show marathons and movies like Old Yeller, Beethoven, or Best in Breed?" I queried. " No, " my Polish friend replied "Not a channel about dogs.....for dogs. You turn it on for them when you leave the house. Apparently has colours and images they like." My.... how we laughed at, without question, the dumbest idea we had heard in years..... Those two guys are now multi-millionaires with the channel a huge hit in various Metropolis....and I'm still just a penny-less fool with a sense of humour. You got it. Guilt ridden couples who go out for a night on the town who used to leave on any old channel for the doggie, now select this channel and add it as to the pay line-up on their monthly bill!!! I love my dogs but I promise you they are that aware or bothered by what's actually on TV so long as it doesn't meow. The idea they would care what I left on for them is as fanciful as a warm greeting from a Border Control official.

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My Underpants intimidate me…

September 8, 2016
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life
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Why...

Do I allow marketing and fashion to seep into the crease of my subconscious? I can’t buy a pair of boxers without David Beckham’s tattoed physique reminding me what I should look like (or years ago a grinning Marky Mark before he turned into Mark Wahlberg)? So obsessed are we with visions of perfection in advertising that there are casting calls for pets and ‘make up artists’ when you shoot a plain old Hamburger

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Say Cheese...

August 25, 2016
Food & Drink Travel/Nature Uncategorised
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Why...

Is no meal complete for a European without cheese at the end of it? In America, they nibble on cheese before a meal, though I use a very wide definition of the word. In the US there are of course some delicious local cheeses but they also provide Cheez Whiz which is 'cheese' in a spray can. (Allegedly... it actually isn't cheese in the real sense of the word though the can does contain the ingredients to make cheese). You don't even need a cracker, you just stick out your tongue and give the can a squirt. America also seems to provide hard cheeses the colour of condemned veal and others that look like they have been rolled in crushed M&Ms. Although this kind of mass produced wax is perfectly legal to sell and eat you are breaking FDA rules if you import real Brie or other foreign cheeses that exceed a bacteria limit. What is sold in the USA has been irradiated to kill off that Froggy, Italian or English natural bacteria!

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Screw you, or do you want to get pulled?

Why...

Do I still prefer pulling a cork rather than unscrewing a cap? Logic has gone out the window here. No other business in the world would tolerate a (conservative) 5% failure rate, which is the figure given for 'corked' wines. That's one in twenty. We have hissy fits when one in in ten thousand IPads just blink. Can you imagine if one in twenty cars were faulty? And yet.... That seductive pop bursts so many pent up emotions. The sound rivals the soothing tones of a $500 an hour shrink. That pop can just as easily equate to the escape of bottled up sexual tension on a first date, to the release of frustration after the week from hell (I suspect David and Sam Cameron may well have yanked a few corks after Brexit). Then there is the whole wonderful bullshit theatre of the sommelier. Firstly he thrusts the bottle under my nose, ignoring if I was in mid-sentence or even mid- joke, demanding my undivided attention in his far more important world. I can barely remember the name of what I have picked out, let alone the year but I gamely play along with the charade, putting on my specs to carefully inspect the bottle. Then, deftly using one of those tiny contraptions I can never get to work, the wine waiter swiftly extracts the cork. If he is a sommelier par excellence he might even sniff what he has removed, and with a look of supreme indifference, pocket it as he pours me a thimble full of wine to taste. Of course if he really knew what he was doing he should know instantly if a bottle is bad and simply apologize and produce another. But he has his reasons and waits as I take a sip. The moment of truth. Occasionally when the bottle is so badly corked that my tongue dials the fire brigade, I am brave enough to challenge the wine waiter and suggest the bottle of botulism he has presented me with ain't quite up to standard. However I am ashamed to admit most times I am too intimidated if I think the wine is punching me in the throat rather than caressing my taste buds. Usually my party have drunk half the bottle before someone has the courage to say that "rather than suggesting a bouquet of raspberry with a hint of chocolate and whisper of tannins, this tastes like a bus driver's sock.” We then haul over the wine waiter. Depending on if we look like we might know what we are talking about he will inspect the glass and mutter an apology, or simply whisk the offending bottle away. I have never seen a sommelier actually taste a corked bottle. A good one that is not corked, yes. But a bottle of rancid wine juice? Never. As I said, they know from the get go, but hope your too sloshed to notice. The reason they say nothing is the staff will of course chalk up the bottle as rancid, add it to the claim of dud bottles they present each month to the supplier and open (hopefully) a decent bottle of the same vintage to enjoy once the bloody patrons have left.

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The electric drill is not the worst noise on the planet, but it does have a point....

Why...

As I sit in the spring sunshine here in Los Angeles, the City that invented the 'please consider your fellow man's position on everything you do', do I have to endure the insanely annoying buzz of a leaf blower? And for hours, not a few moments! No one seems to mind! Yet people have been told to take down wind chimes as they are deemed anti-social! It's not as if a leaf blower is a huge labour saving device. Moving leaves by air is counter intuitive, if not plain stupid. Leaves dance in a gentle breeze and take on the movement of a whirling dervish when moved by these things! Sweeping them with a broom is more effective and sooooo much quieter. But it’s manual labour....We do everything to avoid that now.

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All posts in category: Food & Drink

Upselling to the downtrodden

Why...

Double does not mean two of one

Why...

What's wrong with a stereotype?

Why...

When will we ever learn...

Why...

What did Europe ever do for you...

Why...

The problem with a plane...

Why...

A recent opinion poll listed Usain Bolt as the slowest man and Mary Poppins as a love Goddess...

Why...

Cornflakes, the world’s best glue…

Why...

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow you will want to strangle the relatives

Why...

Opinion Pollsters.......the world's most useless profession?

Why...

The pen is mightier than the sword... so long as it is writing gossip

Why...

Are you a Masochist? Yes if you watch cable news and then order a Pad Thai

Why...

Never ask for directions and other essential tourist information...

Why...

Step right this way for your daily insult...

Why...

Hitler, Genghis Khan, Pol Pot and Charles Manson all had one thing in common...

Why...

Lassie, come quick. It's a new season of Bones......

Why...

My Underpants intimidate me…

Why...

Say Cheese...

Why...

Screw you, or do you want to get pulled?

Why...

The electric drill is not the worst noise on the planet, but it does have a point....

Why...