All posts in category: Fasion Health & Beauty

Assume the position...

July 5, 2019
Fasion Health & Beauty Life Travel/Nature Work
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Why...

On some occasions do I happily perform physical feats that I know are pointless or make me look like a gormless half-wit? Another day, another business flight... another useless safety demonstration. My favourite part is when instructed, I must… “Assume the brace position” (i.e. bend forward, head on lap, hands locked under knees). The only position I am assuming, is that in a moment or two I will be zipping through the Pearly Gates of St. Peter at 600MPH. Whether seconds before this I perform a handstand or a fiendishly complicated yoga position, will make no difference to the outcome.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I can happily eat quiche, but will never be seen wearing sandals or carrying a manbag

March 29, 2019
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Life Work
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Why...

Do some men allow themselves such sartorial sins that they verge on crimes against humanity? The disappearance of men in sandals was one of the few blessings of the Dark Ages. And yet there seems to be a renaissance of this fashion disaster made worse by the adoption of wearing these atrocities with white socks. Who on earth outside mung-bean-eating tree-huggers thinks this footwear is acceptable? Puh-lease don’t bleat they are good for walking. They are not. All they do is present lunch to various ants, centipedes and any other carnivore creepy crawlies. Unlike ladies dainty tootsies, men’s hooves are unsightly things that should not be exposed... mine are known to scare children and horses.

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POA... the dumbest words on any advertisement!

January 19, 2019
Fasion Health & Beauty Finance/Law Life Technology
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Why...

Does any advertiser not understand that POA/ Price on Application actually stands for Pisses Off Anyone? When idly leafing through a six-month-old copy of Country Life at the dentist, I am amazed at the practice of sticking POA against the price of some of the houses advertised for sale. Same for when I pour over my monthly car porn magazines and fantasise about which classic car I might buy when my ship comes in (and after I have suitably bribed my wife with whatever retail therapy most floats her boat). What is the logic behind Price On Application? It’s an immediate turn off. Is it because there is such heat in the market that from day of publication to day of printing that prices will inexorably rise? I thought in terms of property, that was illegal and called gazumping. You always agree a price with the vendor that’s as fixed as an airline stewardesses smile. We live in a digital age. Prices can be checked and compared in a nano-second. Is the advertiser insinuating: “So, pay attention here. Most of you great unwashed, don’t get your hopes up. You cannot afford it and I simply cannot be bothered to talk to anyone before I know he or she has the readies to cough up the ludicrous sum I don’t dare print.” This is appalling customer service as it forces me to pick up a phone or log on to reveal this nugget of information. My time is being wasted by this ludicrous printed version of the dance of the seven veils. Don’t be coy Mr. Advertiser. Show me what you got! On occasions when bored (usually when waiting at airports) I give in to the devil in me and ring the offending advertiser: “Good morning. I wonder if you would tell me the price you are asking for the ‘Gilt-Palace-Nightmare’ in Dubai or ‘Please-stop-and-arrest-me-gold-plated-yuk-wagon’ advertised in the current edition of Shiny Things I can’t Really Afford?” When given the number, my unerring response is: “That cheap! No wonder you did not want to advertise the price as it shows how little you know about market value.” Sit back and then listen to a ten-minute barrage of self-important claptrap. It passes the time before boarding.

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Extra! Extra! Read All About it... Actually we’d rather you didn’t which is why we put the extra costs in the fine print

Why...

Does a budget deal end up costing me more than the major players these guys are meant to be undercutting ?! I recently rented a car for a week in London. Using the magic of the internet I found a car rental from a hotel near Heathrow airport at a significant discount to the normal agencies. It was so cheap I was half expecting a pony and trap. I should have smelled a rat when I picked up the car. There was a near forensic search for scratches dings and dents. And it was raining. I just wanted the car, signed and jumped in. On returning the car the inspecting agent swore blind a tiny blemish caused by a minor stone chip or possibly a large wasp entitled them to deduct £220 from my deposit; making the car more expensive than it’s major brand competitors, most of whom would see a minute stone chip as normal wear and tear and not subject to a ludicrous additional cost. It will cost zip to repair. Car is black. A touch up pen. 15 seconds. Moaning in the cab that drove me to the terminal (another extra cost as the supposed shuttle bus was less regular than a 12 year old’s brushing his teeth). “Happens all the time mate. They seem to find dings on practically each return. Every punter I collect complains. Not as cheap as you think, should take a taxi...” This has made me wonder if this nano nitpicking can be countered. The car was empty when I collected it and I was told there was a like for like policy but I returned it half full. Can I drain the excess fuel please? I want a refund for the microns of cotton rubbed off my trousers by the rough seat upholstery and a new set of soles for my shoes having scuffed against the pedals. Oh....and the £1,200 deposit they forced me to make because I declined to take out their sky high insurance ( the standard hefty extra hidden cost) is meant to be back in three working days. But if it takes three weeks, you think I get interest? Pah, as likely as a tap dancing oyster! And no I am not irresponsible. I have a global rental car policy that pays ALL INSURANCE CLAIMS on rental cars for a premium of under £100 a year. This gnat scratch will be my first claim. I bet when I mention the name of the rental company they will be excluded from my renewal!

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?You can’t always get what you wa-ant ... ?but if you try sometimes, ?you just might find You get what you need?

December 14, 2018
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life
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Why...

Do we let the little green-eyed monster ruin our lives?

Jealousy is a one-way emotion which if you can turn into a two way one can become a source of deep satisfaction.

No doubt at Christmas you are a little irked that Aunt Lottie saw fit to give you a pair of socks printed with reindeer’s antlers but gave her other favourite nephew a Rolex.

True, but in exchange for the Rolex would you really want to be cousin Nathaniel? No. So let it go. You can always get your own back in subtle ways; like asking Aunt Lottie for dinner and sitting her next to someone with opposing political views. Then just serve her something she hates, sit back and watch the show.

I was never a great athlete at school and was more than envious of the sporting prowess of some of my peers until time for the annual Crick race, a 19-mile run that only the very fittest were allowed to enter. It was a huge badge of honour to be selected... in my view to run until nearly dead.

My crocodile tears at being told I had not made the cut were soon dried as I watched the runners cross the finishing line with pain and exhaustion etched over their chiseled features. One up for the couch potatoes!

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If God was a woman, celery would have more calories than chocolate and white wine would replace water

Why...

Has the law of natural selection seemed to have passed by foodstuffs and things I enjoy? How come a yummy, light and fluffy chocolate eclair, something every sinew in my body urges me to eat, is bad for me at every level, as opposed to a vomit inducing kilo of brussels sprouts which my nutritionist says is bursting with goodness? In everything else our natural urges ensure our survival; be it wanting to have sex to procreate, nonstop chatter thereby ensuring protection by being tribal, a natural aversion to snakes or Politicians or any of a dozen natural instincts that Mother Nature instilled in our subconscious for our own good... except consuming calories, tobacco and alcohol. What happened? Depends who I ask. The Catholic’s and Jews have a thing about guilt. It’s a guilty pleasure to consume single malt whisky or puff on a Cohiba cigar so Yahweh or God, in his infinite wisdom made these things bad for me to test my faith. But that kind of logic is as cracked as the Grand Canyon. It also explains their puritanical views re sex (I like it but cannot have it unless under very strict conditions, passed down by the Almighty, often to people who are forbidden to have sex). If you ask Tom Cruise and his Scientology friends, they may say that liking things that are bad for us is an instinct passed on from the Thetans who visited Earth and had hanky panky with a lot of us humans. So, we inherited their love of all that’s bad as clearly on their planet they all indulged heavily in narcotics, sugar, ciggies and alcohol. All I can say to that is lead me to their planet and explain to me if they are such superior beings, they left their own nirvana?

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It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it

August 3, 2018
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Technology
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Why...

Do I care what pattern kitten heels British PM Theresa May is wearing at the next Brexit battle or that the President of the EU is so plastered he cannot even stand up? Surely it’s the outcome of events that matters, not the window dressing surrounding them... but of course it isn’t. Hats off to the English football team (though how are they 4th in the world when losing three games out of six) but most people associate our World Cup campaign with Manager Gareth Southgate’s waistcoat rather than wasted opportunities in front of a goal. Trump is all about haircuts, wandering hands (admittedly the size of G.I. Joe’s) and being rude/blunt/economic with the facts. All quite amusing and the best news fodder any President has gifted to the press since Washington’s teeth got woodworm. But in the long lens of history all irrelevant, which is a shame. The trouble is far reaching results are not instantaneous and do not fit prime time schedules. We focus on things we can control and in our pre-set time frame. So we obsess on the minutiae of events rather than the bigger picture.

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I say, anyone for tennis?

July 7, 2018
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Politics Sport Technology
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Why...

Have some events managed to stay essentially the same in character whilst others have changed beyond recognition? Wimbledon is in many ways gloriously anachronistic and has stayed resolutely the same since 1877. My late father was on the board and I was immensely lucky to have watched every men’s final from 1969 until his death in 2004. Yes the event is old fashioned but still managed to sneak in the odd dollop of progress. It took till mid 60s before the All English Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club, to give it its official name, allowed professionals to compete. In the 1970s skirts went high and in the 1980s rackets just went high tech. In the 1990s Wimbledon led the way in taking a little pressure out of the balls to stop short serve and volley rallies that threatened to ruin the game... but those two weeks in July are still rooted in Agatha Christie’s England. Pimms Number 1 cup to drink, smoked salmon sandwiches, strawberries & cream to eat, and a fearsome dress code. All men must wear jackets and ties in the members enclosure, trousers are frowned on for women and no one raises their voice (John Mcenroe in his prime, the exception that proved the rule). Even now the men’s and ladies champion pair up at the opening dance at the Gala finale ball. You almost expect to see Maggie Smith as Dowager Lady Grantham complete with lorgnette inspecting the crowds to make sure no riff-raff have gained entry. And yet Wimbledon has survived, even thrived. Unique in the tennis world as a Grand Slam on grass yet with the atmosphere of a smart village fete. It’s not the quaint atmosphere that puzzles me, but why no one else has tried to copy it.

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There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues

June 15, 2018
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Life Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

Is the colour of summertime really blue? Well, OK apart from the obvious colour of the sky and the sea. Let’s start with profanity. Yup. The redder the thermometer the bluer the language. It is beyond me how anyone in my youth managed to drive in the heat without air conditioning and not to lob a thermonuclear device into the idiots in front trying to read a road map. Remember those… only men could read them and only women could fold them while doing twenty miles an hour with an indicator that had been blinking for an hour. In London, on the days it gets really hot, a blind person cannot go on the tube. Reason? You cannot transport animals in a temperature over 30c (86f) and the subway regularly reaches 34 (93f). So whilst it was fine to gently poach a commuter, it was illegal for a guide dog to ride the tube! Aircon (again a blue colour) is so critical for comfort. How do London Black Cabs who again have no Aircon, not understand that in the summer they just give ground to Uber?

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♫ I hear somethin' sayin'♪ Yumm, Yumm ♫That's the sound of the men eating in the chain ga-a-ang♪

May 17, 2018
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Travel/Nature
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Why...

Does anyone bother to be a chef in some parts of the USA? Last month my wife and I went to visit my son in Florida where he teaches people to become Commercial Airline Pilots. Yup, I know the tallest mountain is Thunder Mountain in Disneyworld and in Daytona Beach where my son is working, there is more culture in a yoghurt but… one night we decided to go out for dinner and tried to find a local restaurant. On one three mile stretch of road we counted 51 different food franchise restaurants and spotted only one real bistro where somebody actually cooked a meal rather than follow the franchise instruction manual. This leads to the ludicrous situation where you ask for the teensiest change in a meal and you are met with a blank look from the waitress; “We cannot possibly hold the tomatoes/not use garlic/add extra turmeric… It would take away from the taste experience we have so carefully crafted.” Translation: “We can’t change anything because none of the people in the kitchen can actually cook anything. We just assemble pre-packed gloop and wouldn’t know turmeric if it came up and bit us in the ass.” The exception of course is anything that can get an allergic reaction (and then a law suit) so nuts are kept in separate radioactive bags only to be added to a dish at the last minute using two-foot-long tongs and industrial grade gloves.

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Twenty goes into sixty a lot more times than sixty goes into twenty

Why...

Do the media nearly always portray the old rich guy who gets the trophy wife, rather than the Merry Widow snagging a twenty year old toy boy? Let’s face it, when it comes to old age women have us men beat. Today’s female grey wolves were lucky enough to have bought property fifty years ago for the current price of a Plasma TV screen. When their other half sadly shuffles off the mortal coil some widows will have amassed considerable fortunes. Male goldmines are still hotwired by nature to their groin, so most gold diggers come in one size fits all sugar daddy model; a trout mouth pneumatic busted blond, often with an IQ rating matching their shoe size. There is nothing wrong with that. I always remember the ecstatic grin on the wheelchair bound J.Howard Marshall who married playmate of the year Anna Nicole Smith. But women have a far more eclectic selection process. Obviously fit and toned but this new age toy boy is going to have work hard for the money.

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Only Ol' Blue Eyes can make a comeback

Why...

Does money override what you can plainly see in the mirror? When it comes to the human body, gravity wins. In the case of over the hill boxers, in more ways than one as nearly all comebacks result in them kissing the canvas. I see the Spice Girls, now more like the Pungent Women, are to make a comeback tour. Those pert dimensions and high-kicking routines will be sorely tested on a world tour; naturally soothed by a multi-million dollar payday. Of course we are to blame. The fact is prior to any comeback tour, most artists put themselves through a grueling fitness regime to at least try to be as buff as possible. Mick Jagger has his own personal Torquemada called Torje Eike who makes the legendary rock ‘n’ roll pixie run 8 miles a day, half of them backwards. We the audience delude ourselves that our heroes look barely affected by time, so by extension must we be equally Dorian Grey-like. This leads to such a strange phenomena such as ageing grannies chucking their incontinence pants at Tom Jones or tubby bald blokes strutting around like overfed chickens at an Aerosmith Concert all trying to be Steven Tyler. Weirdest are The Bronies. These are middle aged men who dress up like My Little Pony and attend conventions about the adventures of the saccharine nags. Frankly they all look like ‘Chester the Child Molester’ and should be avoided more than a battalion of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

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It seemed like a good idea at the time...

January 6, 2018
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Friends Uncategorised
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Why...

Do I sometimes try so hard to make myself look stupid when so many other people would do it for free? I have recently had one of those bumps in the road when what seemed like a brilliant investment opportunity may just have become a life lesson. “Would you like some cheese to go with that whine,” my wife asked me as I moaned about possible loss of face, time and money. The fact is, if you are an entrepreneur you only have to bat 51%. I suppose I can at least smile when I remember some of the howlers Dragons Den have made... turning down TangleTease which is now worth £200m! Still the next project is looking very good.....

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Food fad for Fido?

December 14, 2017
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink
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Why...

Is my dog expected to be made to eat like he’s sharing a meal with Leonardo Di Caprio and Paul McCartney? Recently I was shopping for Kangaroo chunks or whatever I thought was dog food but the PC brigade have snaffled it. Instead on the doggie food shelf I counted not one, not two, but three different vegetarian options from our favourite dog food manufacturer. Needless to say my dogs took one sniff and gave me the look. “I am a dog. A carnivore. Not some open-toed sandal wearing tree hugger. I pee on a tree, I bite men’s toes in sandals and if you think I fart a lot normally wait till I start eating these mung beans.”

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I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here... ...and into a product endorsement

December 7, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Finance/Law
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Why...

Do superstars worth hundreds of millions put so little value on their integrity? Super famous people stooping to leverage their relationship with the public to push products, always seems a bit grubby to me. Whilst I understand a minor soap star, weather girl or game show host might need a few extra bucks to pay for the perma-tan, do Oscar winning mega celebrities worth $100m + really need to sell his or her sole for a few extra bits of silver? The admirable George Clooney pulls in a few million by pushing coffee and watches. He says this money funds his charity work. Fair enough you might say. But for me if I wanted to give to charity, I’d do it with what I earn from my day job, not from extra goodies moonlighting as a pitchman for products I don’t really use on a regular basis.

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Slow, slow, quick quick, slow

November 3, 2017
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Travel/Nature
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Why...

Walk to the loo when you can run?

I have eaten some spectacular botulism burgers and salmonella salmon sandwiches at airports. This kind of food is fast because it goes through your digestive system in a flash.

However ‘fast food or service’ that isn’t, is a far greater sin. Today I had to run to the bathroom not because of an upset tummy but because if I walked I would have missed my flight! All because it took nearly an hour to shop and eat.

Pay attention Duty Free Shop operators!

The key reason for being at an airport is to catch a plane.

Despite every indication to the contrary, Duty Free is not solely a shopping mall but part of a conveyor belt process to shift travellers onto a waiting aircraft... with an imminent departure time. (Unless you are flying Ryan Air in which case I would spend the days waiting to take off, doing the Christmas shopping. Even get a manny-peddy).

Once on the departure side of Passport control (and post a probable full cavity search) my time is limited. If Duty Free want to charge like The Light Brigade for a cup of Java and a salad that wilts like a Guardsman in a bearskin busbee in July, have enough people around so I can both a) order and b) pay

In the shops they need less people stacking magazine racks with The Morris Dancer Gazette or Podiatrist Today and more people available to open security locks on display items and on the tills.

I can understand having locks if a computer, expensive phone, camera etc. are on a rack... but a plug adaptor? It took me longer to buy that than get through the hand baggage check. In addition the sole till operator had a ten minute banter with her colleague as to why the bar code on a bottle of Chanel No.5 never works.

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YES, YES, YES… TWO MORE INCHES MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE

September 29, 2017
Fasion Health & Beauty Life Love Travel/Nature Uncategorised
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Why...

Is my life a squish? If ever there was a synonym for useless it’s the phrase 2+2 to describe the seating in a car. 2+2 does not equal four or even three in human terms. 2+2 usually entails a back seat that requires the passengers to be munchkins. In any other business this description would be challenged in court as patently untrue! And yet all that is needed to turn these torture chambers into seats you can actually sit in is a couple more inches of legroom. Most fancy 2+2 cars like Porsche 911 or Aston Martin DB9 seem to have less room than a Fiat 500! Yet these sleek machines are anything up to 185 inches long, so how can you not add 2 inches of leg room? Either just have a useful parcel-shelf that you can sling a handbag, briefcase or dog onto and make the car more compact, or have seats people can use. Right now these cubby holes masquerading as somewhere to sit just make what could be a small and nimble sports car longer for no reason.

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Double does not mean two of one

August 31, 2017
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Travel/Nature
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Why...

Am I surrounded by nitwits who fail to understand the difference between twice and double? I recently drove 1,200 miles in a car race around Spain and this entailed my wife and I stopping every night in a different hotel... each booked with a double bed. However most of the time this meant I slept in the San Andreas Fault line as hotels seem to think a double bed is just two singles shoved together. It isn't. Their restaurants certainly know the difference in price between a magnum of champagne and two single bottles. On the other hand, a double burger is a double sized patty not two measly bits of beef the consistency and size of a beer coaster stacked one on top of the other.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Croissant, coffee and a twerk...

July 6, 2017
Fasion Health & Beauty Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

Are we dancing the day away? We all go on holiday to shake up our routine and reverse-pedal the 9-5 treadmill. However I note now that on the beaches from St.Tropez to Cabo San Lucas nightclubs are so passé. Day clubs are where it's at. So after you have had your morning sh*t, shave and shower and are sucking down some java, nibbling on a croissant that costs more than your room, you can now decide where you are going to spend the rest of the morning raving. Yup. Before you can say E and bacon (and I don't mean eggs) you are up and dancing to Mura Masa Charlie, Major Lazer or Katy Perry at a time any self-respecting teen-ager should still be in bed. There are distinct pluses and minuses to this. On the plus side there are no more excuses about whom you went to bed with not looking quite so good ‘in the cold light of day’..... cause that's now when you picked 'em up! There is no need to go to the expense of paying for dinner before going out clubbing and if some ravers still come with parents attached, a curfew is irrelevant. You even get to work on your tan while twerking. The down side is even at my most degenerate, vodka shots for 'elevenses' instead of tea and digestives or an ice cream were never on the cards. The dark of the bat caves of most nightclubs hide a number of evils... not least the fact that I dance like my Dad and occasionally play air guitar. These day clubs take place outside on the beach which means you can be seen by others. Not only can members of the public see what an idiot I am, but the partner I danced with the day before and to whom I pledged my troth can see what a shallow fool I am! Even if you go right over the top and order bottles of champagne large enough to contain a Shetland pony which arrive with a fanfare of fireworks, when do you call it a day... or night? If you start at 10am do you really rave all day then from 4pm-10pm have a snooze and start all over again? Or do you bop till you drop? Your body will experience a new kind of jet lag; rave lag.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I want a locker, not a human traffic jam...

May 5, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Life
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Why...

Am I forced to share my airspace? On the occasions when my trousers inform me it's time to diet and I need a swim or visit a Pilates studio, I try and visit the gym off peak to avoid the crowds. However even if there are only a dozen people in the gym, the clown giving out locker keys always gives them out consecutively. This means a dozen grown men whilst trying to retain a modicum of decorum, are all pirouetting on one leg trying to put on underpants on a floor area the size of a doormat...whilst there are row upon row of unused lockers spread over the rest of the changing area.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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All posts in category: Fasion Health & Beauty

Assume the position...

Why...

I can happily eat quiche, but will never be seen wearing sandals or carrying a manbag

Why...

POA... the dumbest words on any advertisement!

Why...

Extra! Extra! Read All About it... Actually we’d rather you didn’t which is why we put the extra costs in the fine print

Why...

?You can’t always get what you wa-ant ... ?but if you try sometimes, ?you just might find You get what you need?

Why...

If God was a woman, celery would have more calories than chocolate and white wine would replace water

Why...

It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it

Why...

I say, anyone for tennis?

Why...

There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues

Why...

♫ I hear somethin' sayin'♪ Yumm, Yumm ♫That's the sound of the men eating in the chain ga-a-ang♪

Why...

Twenty goes into sixty a lot more times than sixty goes into twenty

Why...

Only Ol' Blue Eyes can make a comeback

Why...

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Why...

Food fad for Fido?

Why...

I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here... ...and into a product endorsement

Why...

Slow, slow, quick quick, slow

Why...

YES, YES, YES… TWO MORE INCHES MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE

Why...

Double does not mean two of one

Why...

Croissant, coffee and a twerk...

Why...

I want a locker, not a human traffic jam...

Why...