All posts in category: Work

Moving house... so time for an overseas trip or be admitted to hospital

Why...

Does my wife and I moving to a new house together equate to impending divorce? My wife was brought up a military brat and so as a kid moved to a new house every two or three years. To her, it’s a disciplined exercise, undertaken with logic. To me it’s a maelstrom of chaos mixed with a healthy dollop of fear. Without fail, the one thing I need will be in the last box I unpack. This means as soon as we arrive, I start emptying one of 300 boxes to find this missing necessity (for example my lucky underpants worn at crucial meetings), without which life as I know it will cease and my business will go bust. On our first move together, my scurrying from box to box emptying contents all over the floor to unpack that moment’s ‘must find item’ upset my wife and sent her off to find a pick-ax to discourage me from my manic actions. That was the first and last time we moved house together. We survived the experience thanks to industrial strength tranquillisers, a plantation’s output of tobacco and a vat full of booze. After that trauma, during all other moves I have either:

been in the US on business,
been in hospital with pneumonia
or left the country at the start of a tax year.

By some miracle each time I arrive back at our new home, I find nearly everything unpacked and all that’s left is to hang the pictures and iron my lucky underpants.

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I can happily eat quiche, but will never be seen wearing sandals or carrying a manbag

March 29, 2019
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Life Work
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Why...

Do some men allow themselves such sartorial sins that they verge on crimes against humanity? The disappearance of men in sandals was one of the few blessings of the Dark Ages. And yet there seems to be a renaissance of this fashion disaster made worse by the adoption of wearing these atrocities with white socks. Who on earth outside mung-bean-eating tree-huggers thinks this footwear is acceptable? Puh-lease don’t bleat they are good for walking. They are not. All they do is present lunch to various ants, centipedes and any other carnivore creepy crawlies. Unlike ladies dainty tootsies, men’s hooves are unsightly things that should not be exposed... mine are known to scare children and horses.

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If you don’t want to do it, screw up badly ... once

Why...

Do people moan about doing things they hate? Don’t like washing up? Drop a few tea-cups or leave a couple of cornflakes welded to a plate. Hate spring cleaning? Dribble drops of eggshell enamel onto the dog’s head. My father, when asked to change his first nappy (and they were toweling ones back in the day) gagged at the smell then promptly flushed waste and nappy down the loo. He blocked the drains for an entire apartment block and was forbidden from ever changing my diapers again. Result! At school I found playing cricket matches a waste of four sunny afternoon hours. Dragooned into playing against another school because I was a half decent bowler, I swapped the ball for a tomato. Splat! Cricket whites covered in red spots. I was called to the housemaster, told I was a disgrace to the school and as punishment I would never be allowed to play cricket again. It took the acting skills of De Niro to look thoroughly upset, rather than punch the air for joy.

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Oscar night.....just has me riveted to my seat

Why...

Give a damn about the Oscars? The whole thing has got further up its arse than a proctologist’s middle finger. No one cares, because the last decade’s nominated movies are quasi arthouse that do not resonate with the audience. In an attempt to show making movies is really all abaht aaaart, dahling, the Academy has recently become all coy about nominating truly mass appeal movies. And who was responsible for this sudden fit of hubris, a desire to show a more cultured less crass side of the entertainment industry? A man imbued with a strong sense of the aspirations of the pinnacle of quality and not our baser instincts; Harvey Weinstein. Pay attention Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. You want to know why the Oscar shindig is as exciting as watching toast getting cold? Try looking at the movies you allow to get nominated....let alone win! The last ten years’ winners were , LaLa Land, Moonlight, Spotlight, Birdman, 12 Years a Slave, Argo, The Artist, The King’s Speech, The Hurt Locker, Slumdog Millionaire. I can barely remember what most of these are about? They may be worthy but are minnows compared with the 1970’s. The winners that decade were: Patton, The French Connection, The Godfather, The Sting, The Godfather Part II, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Rocky, Annie Hall, The Deer Hunter, Kramer vs Kramer. You’ve probably seen them all, and I can pretty clearly remember the stories even though released 40-50 years ago. US viewer audience for 1970 Oscars 55.2 million. US viewer audience last year, 26.5 million The only thing that sank faster was The Titanic (one of the last broad appeal movies to win back in 1997/8). I am pretty certain neither Rocky, Patton nor The Sting if made now, would even be nominated. So dear fellows and voters of the Academy, try and remember you are in the ENTERTAINMENT Industry. Get back to your roots and out of your ego. Start nominating movies that mean something to the general public and they might watch the awards!

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Oh, come on... what happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm

Why...

When I went on my first solo summer holiday, was the hottest part of the day always after dark? I remember reading that in the 1980’s such was the lure of ‘a quickie in Magaluf’ that over 35% of single people had sex with a stranger within two days of starting a package holiday on the Costa Brava. I suppose if you ground out 50 weeks a year in a damp typing pool in Wigan, some rumpy pumpy in an exotic locale had a very strong appeal. I mean all those hormones, no parents and no prying phone camera from your friends to tell the world what you had been up to. My holiday snaps in the 1970s were taken on the last day to show my Aunt the sea view from my room and the plane I flew home on; taken with a camera loaded with one roll of film with 12 shots (ASA 100 - Remember those). Today’s racy photographs that cover snapchat like acne would never have been developed by my local Boots. Instead I would have found a note inside saying these pictures were unsuitable to print! I can assure you that what I was looking for on those first holidays was not a UNESCO World Heritage Site or a basket weaving co-operative. So I was somewhat staggered to learn that young people on their first solo holidays nowadays seek out exotic locations as opposed to locations where they indulge in something erotic. Cheap and cheerful holidays have been replaced with earnest young people wanting to load up on Instagram a photo of a three toed armadillo or four eared fruit bat. Students and the first time employed apparently now yearn to sample the delights of a warm oil colonic irrigation whilst eating mung beans in an Ashram. Fun seems to be a ten mile trek through some mosquito infested swamp with the reward of a tofu burger and cup of tepid fruit tea, rather than an all-night rave and enough E to fill a giant size bag of M&Ms. The kiss me quick traps of the Baby Boomers and X Generation have suddenly gone quiet. The locals in great swathes of Spain, Italy and Greece are actually nostalgic for the old days of sluicing away the vomit from the night before’s over indulgence or collecting abandoned flip flops, thongs and condoms that once littered the beach in dawn’s early glow. Wolfing down paella with chips followed by binge drinking Raki with Sharon from Skegness has faded from memory like the sepia pictures that hang in the mock rustic tavernas. Now, whilst I am the last person to deny some culture to our youth, where has fun gone? I worry today’s youth are not being misspent.

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Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder... ...how the f*#k you got it!

July 20, 2018
Animals/Pets Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Work
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Why...

Are stars listed for goods and services that mean utter bullsh*t? Let’s start with the supernova of stars, the seven star hotels in the Gulf. According to the Hotel Star Registry, there is no such thing as a seven star hotel. Well guys, I hate to tell you, the Burg al-Arab boasts them. Hard to miss it. It’s the third highest building in the world. The fact no one challenges this self aggrandising nonsense is a clear example of how the rating system is abused globally. Technically I believe the star rating system was started by the Forbes Travel Guide, formerly Mobil Travel Guide, which launched its star rating system in 1958. The AAA and their affiliated bodies use diamonds instead of stars to express hotel and restaurant ratings levels. However, although many countries have legal requirements for star designation, others do not. This makes a mockery of the whole system. A four star hotel in say London or New York is in a different league to one in some islands in Southern Europe or Africa. To qualify to be five star you need to have shops on hand available to buy essentials. However there is nothing to say a vending machine would meet that requirement... and in some countries they do! In China saunas and spas are not a requirement to get five stars but a room to play cards and mahjong is! In Mongolia I assume you need somewhere to tether your Yak whereas in London it’s an underground car park.

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Your grobulator is not in sync with your doo-hickey

April 14, 2018
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Technology Uncategorised Work
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Why...

Do I have to listen to drivel? Jargon is really a verbal hedge professionals hide behind... waiting to jump out and financially mug you. The truth is most businesses are not that complex, but to make everyone think someone has an IQ the size of a planet, people make up complex words (acronyms if in the Army) that no one understands. Never let a simple word stand in the way of a complex one, especially if as a lawyer you can charge £500 an hour to explain it.

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Time for a World Summit

Why...

Do people go to Davos? The question I pose is why Davos as a place, not why a bunch of billionaires and centi-millionaires congregate somewhere to discuss the plight of the working class! Call me stupid but last time I checked Davos is a ski resort. Clearly it would be electoral suicide for a Political bigwig to go there and be filmed enjoying a convivial après ski drink or a couple of runs down the mountain before breakfast… unless you are Putin when it’s more likely your opponents keep committing suicide. However whilst I understand that G10, G20, GSpot or whomever dutifully rotate the choice of a city between members for their get-togethers, who on earth said: “I know, let’s disrupt an entire ski resort in high season, fly a bunch of Politicians and plutocrats into a snow storm and add in a battalion of security guards and flunkies. Oh and the world’s press. Yup, we can shoehorn them somewhere that is dedicated to fun and frivolity and pretend it’s somewhere to save the world”. Whoever that someone was, is a genius and I assume is making a bundle of money out of this.

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There are only two things I dislike about you... your face.

Why...

Not admit it. A sprinkling of hypocrisy adds spice to life. It’s the one time us mortals feel superior to those meant to be our elders and betters. Rumours abound that after playing arenas in the US, rather than diving into a mound of cocaine and groupies in their bedroom suites, certain Dinosaurs of Rock head out to the airport and a private jet to make sure they never spend a night in the USA... all to avoid tax. Very spirit of Woodstock! It even appears from the Paradise Papers that the saintly Bono may have feet of clay... that he no doubt leases back to himself to avoid Value Added Tax. I commented a couple of weeks ago on the squeals of surprise from industry bigwigs over the Harvey Weinstein revelations. This week in the wink of an eye Netflix have disowned Kevin Spacey for alleged serial behavior they of course knew nothing about....despite working cheek by jowl over several years! They did however know House of Cards had been instrumental in their growth into a media behemoth. And yet I can’t help having a sneaking admiration for those who so blatantly do not practice what they preach. Armstrong’s filmed condemnation of the use of drugs in sport is a truly Academy Award Winning performance. Knowing that Tax and Finance Ministers have secret bank offshore bank accounts, Televangelists get filmed in orgies and fitness trainer’s washboard stomachs are from liposuction, makes people in authority less terrifying. Next time you are in front of a male judge imagine under that wig and robes are fishnet stockings and six inch Manolo Blahniks. Then he ain’t quite so intimidating.

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What's wrong with a stereotype?

July 27, 2017
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Work
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Why...

Is there such an outcry about gender stereotypes in advertising? Clichés in advertising either make me howl with laughter or throw things. In either case they have the opposite effect on what the advertiser wants therefore they are just bad campaigns. However a targeted market may contain a stereotype and these can be very good campaigns. And as we know, today's cutting edge is tomorrow's stereotype. Have you watched the iconic ‘I'd like to teach the world to sing’ Coke add recently? It makes your teeth itch it's so clichéd. The opposite of an advertising gender stereotype is a gender A-typical stereotype…which by definition is niche. Last time I checked, advertising either wants to reinforce its brand to its core buyer or take its competitors, not worry about niche. Yes of course there are boys who play with dolls, men who enjoy catalogue shopping or talk to strangers while having a pee; even women who hunt bears or smell their socks before throwing them in the laundry basket. Just because these groups exist why is a Marketing Executive made to feel guilty about an advertising campaign that gives him the biggest bang for his buck and does not address small groups? "I'm awfully sorry Mr. CEO for spending a zillion £,€,$ or ¥ on a campaign for washing up liquid aimed at bricklayers. But research shows 3.267549% wash dishes too you know and some are keen to have soft hands." This nonsense is spouted by people who have no common sense. They are just incensed. In the interest of being more inclusive to minorities may I suggest their views should only be reported for six months in niche periodicals like the Newt Lover's Gazette, The Macramé Times or Morris Dancer's Today to reach those people who might be interested in their message but not read national newspapers, listen to the radio or watch TV?

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The Digital Water Cooler and the End of Suburbia

Why...

Actually go to work? As some of you know, a while back I hightailed it out of the UK to settle in Malta. Contrary to popular belief this was not to retire and endlessly gargle drinks with little umbrellas in them and discuss the good old days with expats and people in Witness Protection. It was to set up a digital business; a revolutionary App that makes language learning fun. LingoZING! (www.lingozing.com) uses the visual storytelling of digital comics and graphic novels with an interactive multi language interface. Basically you can hear and read in two languages switching between the two with an onscreen slider. The actual App goes live in January 2017 but you can get a glimpse on Kickstarter, https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/446245694/lingozing-the-fun-way-to-learn-a-language?ref=recommended) One of the early meetings with a friend (and now investor) started with: "Why should I invest in a company whose people are spread across the globe like so many ticks on a dog's back?" "Coz these ticks bite 18 hours a day, " I snapped back faster than knicker elastic. You see we have a team in Bulgaria, two of us are in Malta, the CFO in South Africa, the CTO in San Diego and marketing people in the USA, France and Brazil. So in the highly unlikely event of anyone working only eight hours, there is someone working 18 out of 24 hours a day. That's pretty impressive for a start up with low overheads. We of course are not the only disparate group of people all bound by the same digital umbilical cord rather than being anchored to the office water fountain. Connectivity comes from phone, email, SMS, Skype or Zoom. However I feel no less of a homogenous whole than if we were all crammed into expensive office space. In fact it's better. Sure occasionally you take a Skype call at a ridiculous time in the night with a shirt and tie on top but still in dressed below in sweat pants! I have no commute and the coffee is excellent. My computer screen is the Alice Through the Looking Glass that binds me to my friends and colleagues.

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Ding Dong, can I purge your soul and dry clean your wallet?

February 18, 2016
Life Work
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Why...

Am I asked to give to a church which solemnly predicts the end of the world is nigh? No long term benefit for me, and clearly the money not much use to them! Last week my door bell rang and a young couple looked up at me all doe eyed youth. " Vous parlez Francais (you speak French)?" To which I replied in the affirmative (My mother was French). We live in a section of London with quite a few French families who have fled to escape President Hollande's financial guillotine and I assumed these two were lost and needed someone who spoke French who could help them find where their friends were. "Vous avez la paix. ...Are you at peace?" Nope, not lost tourists, but a couple of Jehovah's witnesses seeking to convert any escaped countrymen! That is really pushing hope well past the door of reasonable expectation. Successful proselytising in a foreign country but in your native tongue is as likely of being successful as a tap dancing oyster. "Un instant .. Wait a moment" I replied disappearing into the basement. I reappeared wearing a horned Devil's mask and holding a pitchfork, (taken from our Halloween party box). The young couple understood that I might be playing for the other team and left fast enough to make Usain Bolt blush.

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THE RESOLUTION IS CARRIED ………

December 31, 2015
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Politics Sport Travel/Nature Work
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Why...

When it comes New Year Resolutions do I have the backbone of a chocolate éclair? Without a shadow of a doubt the worst thing to give up for New Year is anything you enjoy. After spending a few days in a confined space with relatives and noisy kids, I just want to send them to a vivisectionist. I sooooo badly need a cigarette, chocolates, booze or drugs and have zero chance of giving up anything till my blood pressure drops below Defcon5. Maybe February? Shortest month of the year. However next year is leap year and winter might have woken up by then so I will need my creature comforts. Looks like Lent is the time I have a shot at stopping something. Of course if it’s religion I give up I might as well ignore Lent and indulge my way through March and April. I mean you have to have Easter with Chocolate and Spring would be meaningless if you can’t toast it with a chilled Bellini? May and June are times of weddings so not drinking and eating is just plain rude. July and August is holiday time, so unless I have managed a crash diet for a week before, I am not going on holiday to starve. Then it’s Fall. The time of mellow fruitfulness…. It’s shooting season and the sky is raining pheasants and partridge like so much plush toys from Hasbro. Next thing you know it’s Thanksgiving that rolls into Christmas season…so no time for giving up anything. AND THAT’S WHY RESOLUTIONS DON’T WORK. So I will briefly turn my attention to the other quaint pastime of the New Year. Talking balls…as in crystal. Here are my 16 predictions for 2016. POLITICS 1) US Mitt Romney declares and chooses Rubio as Vice President goes on to win Republican Nomination, and then the Presidential election. 2) EUROPE Chancellor Merkel will lose a vote of no confidence and resign. 3) UK As with the No vote in the Scottish referendum, politicians will have badly underestimated the strength of anti EU feeling with a surge in the polls for a ‘No’ or exit vote. ‘Yes’ to stay in EU to squeak home by under 2%. 4) WORLDWIDE Instability breaks out in Saudi Arabia. Iran now seen along with Israel as the only stable market economy with a middle class. Despite huge domestic resistance from leaders, need for historic Israel/Iran meeting inevitable. BUSINESS 5) WORLWIDE News Corp will attempt again to buy out other BSKYB shareholders. In either instance, it will then sell off their own shareholding to sovereign hedge fund. 6) US Companies who had bought power on long term contracts start to suffer badly due to drop in oil price. Oil at $35 per barrel continues to question value of fracking and halts much future exploration. However this fall in the barrel price of oil slowly starts to climb and is seen as the low point of fuel prices for the next 15 years. 7) MONEY Euro declines and gold rises; each by 15% and the world’s largest lottery is won because a child chose the numbers for the mother. SPORT 8) FORMULA ONE Will be bought by a group neither from Europe, Asia nor America. However following the BBC decision to drop it and sell to Channel 4 because of low ratings, the new owners will desperately need to reinvigorate a sport that currently is only useful as a cure to insomnia. 9) OLYMPICS Russia reinstated to take part in the Olympics, only for another country to be expelled. Politics and sport are just two sides of the same coin, especially if it’s an Olympic medal. 10) FOOTBALL FIFA elects President who effectively pardons all those currently involved with bribery allegations. As a result they lose a cornerstone commercial partner. MEDIA 11) US Number of broadcast free to air channels on cable drop by over 15%. Netflix eventually bought out by Google after long fight with Amazon. CNN will become a streamed only news service. 12) OSCARS Delayed broadcast due to security scare. Surprises; Best Picture Spotlight and Best Supporting Actor Sylvester Stallone for Creed. TECHNOLOGY 13) Graphine and its full potential is at last grasped by public and becomes the 2016 buzzword. FASHION 14) Group LMVH (Edun, DKNY, Louis Vuitton, Möet et Chandon, Emilio Pucci, Fendi, Marc Jacobs, Givenchy, Kenzo, Berluti, Loewe, Celine Dior) acquires Hermés. FOOD 15) Failed attempt at poisoning distribution plant of major soft drink supplier. Mad cow disease breaks out again in the UK. NATURE 16) Mount Paektu in North Korea-China erupts, for once taking worldwide media’s attention away from President Kim Jung Un’s own eruptions. Give me my score this time next year. Happy New Year to you all! If you have enjoyed the blog please pass on to friends and if you are just dipping in please subscribe! It’s free and you get a once a week notification. If you use a tablet or phone click on the three black horizontal lines Ξ top right, and the form will appear. Just add any name you like and your email address. On line www.andanothething.com the form is on right, above subscribe. Put in a name and email….. Th-th-that’s all folks!

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The Plug… A license to drain your money

December 10, 2015
Technology Work
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Why...

In a world where a standard Big Mac is available in more countries than I ever knew existed, do plugs and cables differ so much? Let's start with plugs in walls for electricity. Voltage used to be a problem but most electrical equipment can now happily suck down from 120 volts to 240....but the plug at the end comes in more versions than does ‘why did the chicken cross the road’. Two pin, round pin, angled pin, three pin, bloody safety pin….. it's all nonsense. If we can't agree on world peace, you think some global organisation might at least standardise plug sockets? No, it can't happen overnight but yes it can gradually. The UK managed to change from round pin to square pin in the 1970s so don't tell me it cannot be done. Differing plugs are utterly inconvenient as I wander about with plug adaptors the size of Rubik's cubes every time I visit another country.

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Nice Tattoos. Perfect for Shakespeare

November 19, 2015
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Work
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Why...

Would an actor cover his or herself in tattoos (least of all those with spelling mistakes….Tradgedy??) The whole body is a blank canvas, on which the actor creates a character. Yet serious actors now want to cover themselves with designs and phrases totally at odds with their profession. If you are playing Hamlet, I would have thought names of previous girlfriends and a design that looks like the cover from a Meatloaf album might be out of context? It was one thing when Sean Connery had two small tattoos on his right arm, Scotland Forever (surely a mistake as he hasn’t lived there for more than half a century?) and Mum and Dad, as both were easily covered up by make-up in the Bond movies. (You can still see them though if you look carefully). In any case MI5 and MI6 ban any kind of body markings that can identity an agent. Actor Tom Hardy is a veritable Etch-a-Sketch of body tattoos. When his half naked torso was shown playing the baddie Bane in The Dark Knight I assume at times CGI (computer Generated Effects) were employed to cover them all up, however good old pancake make-up seems to have done the trick most of the time. You can see in some outtakes or set photographer shots the smudging of the thick layer of body cover-up revealing a tattoo underneath. In a more recent film, Mad Max, Fury Road he looked a bit ridiculous as he was so buttoned up with only his head and hands showing! Maybe being in the Namibian desert with all that sand sticking to thick pancake body make-up would have driven him nuts!? But now he wants to be Bond?? The point is, talented as he and many other like him with body tattoos are, it seems to run against everything an actor’s body should be. If I was a producer shooting a Roman epic and saw Kiss me qwick tattooed on a centurion’s ass and had to pay to cover it up, I’d be offering to sandpaper it off!

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Duck it; shot happens

Why...

Is Spellcheck watched over by some electronic Mary Poppins? If I search in Google for any number of potentially innocent things such as water sports; adult I am offered an eye-popping smorgasbord of entertainment, many of which have nothing to do with surfboarding, scuba diving or water skiing and are very rude indeed! Yet I am prevented from typing some decent Anglo Saxon swear words in a document without them getting changed or redlined. I can almost hear my iPhone nanny tutting at the vulgarity. The only alternative is to sit with Roger’s Profanisaurus (dictionary of swear words and slang) and insert (ho-ho) every rude word I can think of into to my personal dictionary so I continue to be abusive to my friends…in a language at least they understand!

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Welcome, have a nice day…but I loathe you

Why...

Are we so angry that London is overrun by young Arab men this time of year, squirting their bling-bling hypercars up and down Park Lane? Well, of course it’s because these glitzy tourists have more money than us, have a different culture and so we don’t understand them….Does that sound familiar? Think a bit next time you go somewhere remote on holiday as to how you behave and be thankful most locals treat you with such patience and respect! They must feel just the same as many Londoners do now and yet smile when they see you, not grit their teeth!

It is so easy to cause offense without thinking, even in cultures of similar backgrounds to our own.

I once waited in line at Le Louvre, when in front of me stood an elderly American couple. He was wearing trousers with checks big enough to play chess on and she had hair dye the colour of condemned veal.

"Can you tell us where the Winged Victory of Samothrace, the Venus de Milo, and the Mona Lisa are?" they asked the ticket lady without attempting a single word in French.

Obviously a frequently asked question, the girl pulled out a map and tracing the path they needed to take explained:

"You go up the staircase to the Greek section, there is the Winged Victory then turn right….through the lobby on to the Roman section to see The Venus de Milo….then come back to the staircase and go two floors to the greats masters…. turn left, turn right, walk the entire corridor to finally get to a small room….et voilá, the Mona Lisa."

"Gee Harry, " said the exasperated women, "why don’t these French just put ‘em all in one room. Be much simpler."

And you wonder why you don’t always feel the love of your host country.

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Smile and say cheese… But, ♫...hey, you, ♫ get off of my cloud…

Why...

Do we take photos we never really intend to keep? It was reported that during 1990 we took 57 billion photos; for 2015 it’s estimated we will take one trillion! In fact 10% of all photos ever taken were in the last twelve months; every two minutes we take more photos than the entire first 80 years of photography…but of what? And where are they? Well three trillion are on some cloud, to be stored forever and rarely viewed. But what the hell is the cloud? Will the sun come along one day and burn it away? In the 1970’s a questionnaire asked if there was a fire and you could save one thing, most chose their photograph album. Yet now we entrust those cherished memories to some electronic jiggery-pokery none of us understand. If the cloud ever disappears so will our past.

Digital storage has become like the ‘lock-up’ we keep furniture in. We hang onto this stuff in the belief that one day we will use the hideous mirror from Auntie Mary or look at that picture of a drunk in a sombrero in Malaga, mooning at the camera. Of course we never will... unless that young man becomes famous; then it’s who wants to pay?

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So who made you a professional 'offendee'?

Why...

If somebody says something in private that is overheard and reported, someone else not remotely involved seems to get 'offended'? Don't get me wrong, I don't condone any kind of aggressive, hateful, racist or derogatory public statements. In private surely we have the right to say certain things that in the 'open' world are of course inappropriate. Again I am not encouraging hateful diatribe but rude words, blue jokes, clichéd stereotypes can have a role in private conversation. If I tell a joke about a Scotsman, an Irishman and an Englishman, why should some Scotsman I have never met and doesn’t have a clue of the context in which the joke was made be offended? Yes the joke might be offensive if it was a public statement but that’s the whole point. It wasn’t. It’s the 'offendee' who made it public. These offendees not only have had their humour chromosome removed but appear to get their facts wrong. The list is endless and laughable if the consequences were not so serious. Of the examples scattered over the internet one that I found nearly unbelievable was that of Mr. David Howard, who was working for the US Government when he used the word niggardly in a speech to describe a certain expenditure!! People were offended and he was forced to resign. The total lack of understanding of the use of the English Language is the real offence here!

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"Eggs benedict with a tazer stun gun on the side, please."

Why...

Must people feel compelled to have business breakfast meetings?

Breakfast is a time when the brain needs a kick-start of coffee to aid gentle re-entry into reality’s atmosphere. You start by reading about the latest world shattering crisis from the Kardashian family and end with the less trivial matters of Wall Street or Washington.

The idea I would agree to spend those delicious moments of transformation with someone pitching a financing opportunity whilst wearing a tie loud enough to deafen, is ludicrous. The loudest thing I am prepared to listen to is ‘Snap, Crackle and Pop’.

I am pretty certain that all the bad deals were made over breakfast...

"No Josephine, I have made up my mind. We fight at Waterloo tomorrow. Now pass me a croissant." 17th June 1815

"So. All agreed? We change the Coke formula and call the old one Coke Classic. Waffles all round" April 23 1985

"No one will give a shit? Break in if you have to. Just get that stuff out of the Watergate building. More bagels?" October 9th 1972

I imagine evening meals where your brain is fully functioning are therefore so much more successful…

"So Miss Rowling, everyone else has turned down your Harry Potter book? May I offer you more wine?" May 10 1996

"Ok Winston, D-Day is a go. Now another brandy and cigar?" June 4th 1944

"Let’s raise a toast to our little company. And we’ll call it EBay." September 2 1995

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All posts in category: Work

Moving house... so time for an overseas trip or be admitted to hospital

Why...

I can happily eat quiche, but will never be seen wearing sandals or carrying a manbag

Why...

If you don’t want to do it, screw up badly ... once

Why...

Oscar night.....just has me riveted to my seat

Why...

Oh, come on... what happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm

Why...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder... ...how the f*#k you got it!

Why...

Your grobulator is not in sync with your doo-hickey

Why...

Time for a World Summit

Why...

There are only two things I dislike about you... your face.

Why...

What's wrong with a stereotype?

Why...

The Digital Water Cooler and the End of Suburbia

Why...

Ding Dong, can I purge your soul and dry clean your wallet?

Why...

THE RESOLUTION IS CARRIED ………

Why...

The Plug… A license to drain your money

Why...

Nice Tattoos. Perfect for Shakespeare

Why...

Duck it; shot happens

Why...

Welcome, have a nice day…but I loathe you

Why...

Smile and say cheese… But, ♫...hey, you, ♫ get off of my cloud…

Why...

So who made you a professional 'offendee'?

Why...

"Eggs benedict with a tazer stun gun on the side, please."

Why...