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If eating food is a sport, I need to start training properly
Why...
Can I not think of a single redeeming feature of eating competitions... unless of course it’s my company’s food. There are plenty of people who can argue with some justification that tug-of-war, tiddlywinks, or Morris Dancing are sports. At least they require some skill, a smidgen of technical ability. Dare I say it, there is also some teamwork or aesthetic beauty. Apart from the hand to eye coordination of being able to stuff food into your mouth like a high speed conveyor belt, I can think of nothing that needs any special requirements... except zero common sense and a stomach capable of enlarging to the size of a mid range Buick. Let’s put aside the question of if it’s a sport. Let’s start with why is it even a pastime. The basics. Gluttony. That is the skill. That attracts a very specific individual. Certainly if you shout in their ear you might get an echo. The goal. Waste as much bad food as possible and try not to vomit. Every eating competition I have found contains junk food with more additives than a years worth of Apple I-phone updates. Competitors taste buds are not exactly refined. And as the food is cheap, so it’s easy to supply in industrial size portions. From a personal point of view I would question the word Food! I mean no one ever has a caviar or truffle eating festival otherwise I might be tempted.
...and another thing
Who are the competitors? Are there naturally gifted scoffers out in society or are they made by hard training? I mean when little Earl is sitting on his Dad’s knee and is asked;
‘So, you wanna shoot some hoops?”
He just shakes his head.
“Let’s wear in your new baseball glove?”
Yuk sign.
“Batting cage?”
Yawn.
“So what sport you wanna practice?”
“I need to eat 50 hotdogs in two minutes.”
No, in the same way proctologist’s are all failed plastic, brain or heart surgeons, professional “sports eaters” are the lard asses who bent the bleachers while watching others play sports. Suddenly they find they can turn their hobby of trying to eat a mammoth in one sitting, into a competition. And, most glorious of all, it’s a sport for once they might win.
Sure, the health risks are as high as being a cyclist in Team Armstrong. Except instead of pumping drugs into veins it is fat into the arteries.
...and another thing
Can someone enlighten me? Apart from permanent indigestion and producing enough gas at both ends to power Chicago, what are the perks? Going out to dinner is just practise practise practise. Cinema visits require getting a a wall of hotdogs before you sit down. Dieting is futile and the only muscles that get a regular work-out are those in your jaw!
Maybe it comes with social glamour? So you start in the Little Leagues (Snack League?) of crackers then move up to donuts. You graduate from this into the Majors of Pizza and then Hot Dogs. Are there cheerleaders cartwheeling about with giant knives and forks instead of batons?
Then what? Is there an International Circuit as well as a Domestic one. Sushi stuffing in Japan, burrito binging in Mexico, chow mein chomping in China? Maybe a World Cup even, with the actual trophy of someone hurling into the toilet? God forbid, what happens if there is a tie. Do the competitors get a twenty minute break to tickle the back of their throat with a feather and they start again. Or do they have to go on to sudden death (highly appropriate) of eating until the other gives up/explodes?
...and another thing
Is their a college scholarship programme? There has to be one in Myrtle Beach! Most people there who swim in the ocean run a real risk of being harpooned by Japanese whalers.
All I know is that when future archaeologists dig up the 21st Century, two things will puzzle them.
- Graves full of female remains and two silicone sacks on their rib cage
- Huge sports silverware and trophies depicting people eating.
My debut thriller FALL OUT by MN Grenside is available on Amazon, on line book sites and good bookshops. Click HERE for local web link
Also, visit my author page at mngrenside.com
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