I’m not interested in meeting my heroes, but I so want a dinner party with people I love to loathe


Have a boring dinner party?  They say you should never meet your heroes, as everyone has feet of clay. Clarke Gable’s and George Washington’s false teeth always fell out, Teddy Roosevelt had halitosis and there are countless movie stars short enough to mistake them for a table and I’d end up placing a drink on their head. For me, I would have unbridled glee if I was allowed to meet my villains. In the unlikely event they turned out to be charming it could reaffirm my faith in mankind, but I suspect Al Capone, Heather Mills (McCartney), Benito Mussolini, William Randolph Hearst, Piers Morgan, Kim Kardashian and even Putin would live up to billing and make a spectacular dinner party guest. Far more interesting and livelier than the normal wish list of Jesus, Einstein, Gandhi, Mohammed, Shakespeare and Mother Theresa (especially as some hardly drink and others have special dietary needs). What really makes the ideal dinner guest from hell is the certainty that whatever they say is right and their barely concealed contempt for anyone else. Add to that the cry that the world has misunderstood them, and they are the victims. Of course, one guest like that is a real nightmare but a collection all together would be a dynamite evening.

...and another thing

Unlike my heroes where I’d be all gooey eyed and hugely disappointed when some turn out be as dumb as dog slobber or be as boring as watching toast get cold, the worse the antihero behaves the better it would get. I would argue about everything but if I got tired, I could just take a large snifter of brandy and bask in their world class awfulness.

Putin and Benito agreeing that democracy is overrated but at least the trains run on time in Italy. In addition, had Benito better controlled the media, Il Duce might have clung to power rather than ended up hanging from a lamppost once his bullshit got rumbled.

Capone and Hearst would no doubt agree on the principal of trying to get a monopoly though maybe disagree on method.

I would squirm with joy listening to Morgan try and skewer McCartney for her utter stupidity, sense of self-importance and vacuous lifestyle until she pointed out she is an amateur compared to Kardashian. Kim in turn could remind Piers she gets more viewers on her website in a day than he ever got in total when he completely ballsed up the Larry King slot on CNN. Perhaps I might chip in the fabulous quote from King when asked about the melting ratings on the man who replaced him (and whom he apparently thought was an idiot).

“Well, I have mixed emotions. It’s like watching your mother-in law steal your new Rolls Royce but then drive it over a cliff.”

...and another thing

These people have opinions on everything. There would be no sacred cows, nothing you could not discuss.

“So, Il Duce what do you think about gay marriage?”

“Al, so now they are legalising marijuana. Any thoughts?”

“Hearst. The internet. A good idea or would you have bribed enough people in Congress to ban it like you did hemp?”

“Kim, if I took a walk through your deepest thoughts would I get my ankles wet?”

“Heather, got any hits from dating sites? Do you get Christmas cards from Stella?”

“Putin, what did those photos of Trump show?”

It’s lighting a blue touch-paper every time just waiting for the bang.

...and another thing

Mega egos with opinions are never discreet about people they know either. The gossip would be phenomenal.

“That Adolf. I told him loose the stupid moustache. And dance? He had two left feet. Never interested in hookers, drugs or booze. It was bound to end badly….”

“You know Angela Merkel made a pass at me.”

“My butt is a flotation device…”

“You think Paul has never had a sausage roll? And Stella, well she hates me because I know she…”

I mean c’mon. Way better than Jesus and Mohammed having a religious discourse.

The devil not only has the best tunes, he must have the best dinner parties…

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  1. Avatar PETER says:

    Great blog. Might be worth doing on a vaguely regular basis. My personal choice would be to have Nigel Farage, Jacob Rees Mogg and a couple of the other nutters and then have Winston Churchill there to tell them that they are all “Bloody fools “