Zip it, stupid!


Use the postal service? I know handwritten letters are on the endangered species list along with intelligent British Tory MPs but to me they are still a thing of wonder. We are approaching Christmas (not the Holiday Season, not the Festive Season, Yuletide or any other mealy mouthed watered down in case I offend anyone Holiday) and my wife sends out Christmas cards to all four corners of the globe. I am not so impressed that a series of electronic impulses from my computer in Malta can flash this blog across the planet. But a letter? How, in all that’s holy can anyone read the scribble we write on envelopes. To be able to decipher that is black magic. The ZIP code is of course the key. These are the vital numbers read by a computer that send your letter on its merry way and has helped hugely in the efficiency of the postal service... except in England. In dear Olde England the equivalent of the Zip code (which in USA is only numbers) is called the Post Code. It is usually two letters and one number followed by one number and two letters. NW1 0NE You would therefore think to avoid confusion the Masterminds at the GPO (General Post Office) would never use the letters I and O to avoid confusion with the numbers 1 and 0. Er... No. It is simply staggering how many codes in the UK use one of those four. In fact over 75% of Post Codes on our cards have one of those four letters or digits. And as for my friend who lives in OA1 0IU if you don’t get a card, not my fault. Get the clown who gave you that Post Code to change it. How about FU2 GP0

...and another thing

Things in the matrimonial home have been a tad tense recently due to things arriving in the post that I wish had got lost. I have discovered internet crack. It is a website called that lists upcoming auctions all over the world. You can track down almost any objet d’art you fancy; from Hermes Birkin bags and diamond studded loo seats seized by the DEA from your local drug king pin to 9th Century silver bangles worn by marauding Vikings when they popped over to England for a spot of rape and pillaging.

But what makes it so dangerous is if I type in I am looking for a stuffed Llama  they will kindly send me an email when one is up for auction. You can of course leave a bid but that is so boring. So I log in live to the auction. To make sure I don’t miss my new ‘must have’ item I join several items prior and watch a stream of things being auctioned off for peanuts. Last week between furious emails to the taxman about a tax demand then shouting at my French Bulldog for eating said tax demand, I find I have bought an ancient Chinese jade back scratcher (ruyi), Teddy Roosevelt’s chamber pot and a complete set of First editions of Winnie The Pooh.

Sadly the damn postal service in Malta works a treat and every day I find myself trying to convince my wife that I was sure she would like a 16th Century Watusi codpiece or that the Gucci mink ear muffs were a real bargain….

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