My Eyebrows are Silky Soft and my Hair Smells of Listerine


Hotel room designers must have one thing in common (apart from calling their children Nathanial or Poppy); vision so perfect they could see a flea get a hard on. Even with all the lights on, hotel rooms at night are as dim as a village idiot. It has some very disturbing results. Instead of the bell hop pointing out the bloody obvious like opening a small door and expecting me to be hugely impressed when he says 'fridge' instead of 'hotel cash machine' why can he not explain how the inevitable mishmash of light switches all relate to each other? I am forever getting into bed and hitting some knob that instead of turning the lights out, turns on a hairdryer or activates the TV. Even once I’ve mastered how the actual switches work, the lighting is so bad that my wife insists I bring a flashlight to help with her make-up.

...and another thing

The real challenge is the shower cubicle, (watching you don’t stub your toe on the chrome door frame that always sticks up by an inch or so). There you are faced with the Lilliputian array of bottles or sachets that all have tiny writing.

Either this means getting out to find glasses that you don’t mind get soaking wet or opening the bottles and pot luck. Inevitably this leads to squirting shampoo on my face (hence soft eyebrows) and mouthwash as hair conditioner.

...and another thing

Has anyone from the cosmetic firms ever tried to unscrew the bottle caps the size of a thimble with soap on their hands?

...and another thing

Why does a sign that says ‘to serve you better’ really mean ‘do it yourself so we don’t have to’? Electric kettle rather than room service, a shoe shine pad for your loafers rather than leaving them outside your door to be polished?

Still, at least you can watch the porn without it being itemised on your bill. Hotels have learned some things to serve you better…….

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