All posts in category: Technology

If you want to sell me something, don’t steal my time

October 1, 2023
Entertainment/Media/Arts Politics Sex Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Do companies blather on for eternity trying to convince me to buy the latest wonder; be it a drug to change me into a rampant teenage sex God, an electrical thingummybob to turn my stomach into ab heaven or gel that could grow hair on a billiard ball.

In each case the purveyors of this snake oil somehow believe that teasing out, in a thirty minute commercial, what we really want to know (ie price and what the miracle is made from) will be a help to their pitch.

It’s like they are performing a verbal striptease, teasing us with removing one piece of information only to reveal another layer rather than the ultimate goal!

Who on earth thinks this works? I would love to know the percentage of those people who click and start to watch these video versions of a shaggy dog story to who actually get to the end. 5%?

I’m about as likely to watch this endless drivel as I am to pay Elon Musk to be on TwiX or whatever he calls it.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

The Betamax of the Car Industry

Why...

Do we allow people who know so little about engines and power make policy to regulate them?

Please don’t take this blog as a peon to the internal combustion engine. I am as aware as anyone who either has a window or a TV of climate change. It’s just the hysteria don’t always match the facts!

I seem to remember the Blair Government in the UK going all lovey- dovey about diesel a few years ago. The fact that taxes were jacked up to make the fuel the same price as petrol and create a windfall of revenue to the Chancellor surely had nothing to do with it!

And now diesel is the ‘sperm of Satan’ after the fall out following the dodgy VW claims. It is banned forever from anyone’s list of power… despite the fact new diesel engines are remarkably clean. “No. Diesel was a bad mistake. It must be banished,” Politicians cry sincerely. Knee jerk reaction by populist short term thinkers.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I am still scared of the dentist - My dog should be too!

July 22, 2023
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Does mentioning the dentist to me still bring up images of Lawrence Oliver and Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man?

I suspect my generation are the last of those truly frightened of dentists as we grew up in the white heat of torture during the 1960’s. Back then my dentist thought you were a cissy if you wanted novocaine for a filling, and scrapped tartar of my teeth with a grouting tool. Even now in Malta, with a fabulous dentist who has not inflicted even a tickle during a visit, I still get cold sweats as I go through the doors. I swear he has cloven hoofs and a tail poking out from under his white garment.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

🎶We’re off to see the Wizard, 🎵The wonderful Wizard of ...

Why...

Is looking forward to a holiday nearly as good as going on one?

We have not travelled outside of the U.K. and European time zones since December 2020! I don’t think I have spent two years in the same time zone since I was six!

However, we have taken the plunge and planning to go to Cambodia at the beginning of next year. It’s months away of course, but the mere fact we have an itinerary to exotic sounding places has lightened my footsteps and my spirits.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I’m back and I’d rather hang myself than another picture

July 2, 2023
Animals/Pets Food & Drink Life Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Did I persuade my wife to let me help us move? The last 6 weeks I have neither written this blog nor a sentence of my next novel… that I started in April!

My darling wife and indeed our marriage had survived five previous house moves during which for one reason or another I was unable to be there.

I decided this time things would be different but should have heeded the look of foreboding on my wife’s face.

Patience is something I have always interpreted as not doing something now. Well, it isn’t when it comes to moving. Patience is a basic ingredient. Rather than methodically unpack one box at a time if I decide I need something I open twenty looking for it. I then get frustrated and need to lie down… leaving a huge mess.

As you might imagine this can cause industrial scale irritation in my wife. So banished from unpacking duties I become itching to put up every picture everywhere, I set about hanging them.

Here’s what my bruised ego and body have learnt.

1. Molly screws, which expand as if they were pregnant and are meant to allow you to secure things to plasterboard/gypsum or light walls to hang things from… are actually the devils fingers that are more likely to flip you the bird than be of any use.

2. Those white hooks with tiny masonry nails that are meant to make drilling holes a thing of the past, well they don’t work either. They have the durability and dependability of Liz Truss’ previous Tory government. Firstly, the hooks themselves crack at the slightest pressure. Secondly, after a few weeks hanging something up, each hook can suddenly say:

“Nah, had enough of this…” and call time on staying put and instead jump out the wall.

3. Electric screwdrivers are all very well until they shred cheap screw heads and leave you with a half drilled in screw with no way of removing it.

4. White painted walls may look clean but they mark even by just looking at them.

5. Parasols no matter how expensive or how heavy the base always blow over in a mild breeze and never last more than two years.

6. The heaviest furniture always lives in the most difficult part of the house to reach.

7. Super glue is never the answer, but double sided extra strong Gorilla tape is a gift from the Gods.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Moving house? I am going away!

April 23, 2023
Kids/Family/Relations Technology Travel/Nature
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Would any sane married couple go through moving together? Let alone reassembling everything in a new location. When we actually move, my wife has banished me in case she decides to strangle me.

I have already been through a clear out of possessions that has been a mixture of surprise and horror. Surprise at the things I thought I had lost forever, and horror that I had paid for them to follow me like the rats and the Pied Piper of Hamlin from the UK to my two previous homes here in Malta.

I am sure there was a point in my life when a belly button cleaner, singing fish, cassettes, CDs and DVDs seemed essential, but those days are gone. Much as it pains me to see I once paid £17.50 for a CD, they now need to go to the big juke box in the sky. And no, please don’t tell me I can make a fortune on sites like Magpie. Living here in Malta exporting or importing anything is absurdly expensive. We have probably filled a couple of charity shops with enough things to keep them busy for months. Some stuff I could not believe they sold within days! Who goes to a charity shop looking for bongo drums, but a pair we donated were snapped up faster than a lock of Elvis’ hair!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Assault and Battery

Why...

Is something as simple as buying a battery as confusing as the tariff at an airport garage?

Does anyone know which of these batteries from Duracell are the best? Duracell Plus Power +50% more power or Duracell Ultra Power. Let alone Energiser Power Plus or Energiser Extreme. And both of these are before you even get to lithium, rechargeable etc., ya-di-ya-di-ya. All I know is they always seem to run out when you have no spares in the house. And despite all this extra super long blurb, how come there is a battery in Oxford that has been ringing a bell for 180 years or 10 billion tings but my battery corkscrew can barely manage a dozen bottles?

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

“Liar Liar Pants on Fire”

March 12, 2023
Entertainment/Media/Arts Life Politics Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Is watching 24 hour news reminding me of a primary school fight over break-time sticky buns?

If you try and explain to kids today that once we only had a news reader who told us the facts, leaving us to make up our own minds as to the substance, they look at you with utter incredulity.

The trouble all started with CNN and 24 hour news. Someone or something had to fill in the time between bulletins so what could be better or cheaper than an organised debate between opposing views.

Of course that’s about as exciting as watching toast get cold. However, screaming, shouting, abuse and the odd guest even flouncing out of the studio in a strop, is ratings gold. So out went decorum, in came the forum. In fact worse than the forum, more like the Colosseum with the collective audience giving the thumbs up or down as to who can live or die.

Who cares if fact takes second place to drama? Fuel to the fire was added with the relentless advance of digital media, where people’s inability to grasp basic facts is not a valid argument against them!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Welcome aboard. This is your Captain speaking

Why...

Are people so keen to replace commercial airline pilots with computers?

If I remember correctly the ‘unfailable’ systems of SouthWest airlines failed in June 2021. It was Southwests turn again in December 2022. British Airways and numerous others have also had to severely restrict or halt services due to computer ‘glitches’. Even the rock solid computer system of the Federal Aviation Administration went tits up in January 2023.

So far I don’t recall a single pilot or co-pilot flopping over in the cockpit needing a reboot.

Now that isn’t to say I go all misty eyed about losing usherettes at the Cinema or bus conductors on the Number 72, but frankly I prefer a human being in charge of an aluminium bullet travelling at near 600 mph

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I want to be left alone - TV and magazine interviews on exactly why, to follow.

December 12, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Friends Sex Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Do some people who shriek for privacy, remind me of a quote from Hamlet, “The lady doth protest too much, me thinks”. In days gone by, certain people really meant it when they withdrew from the limelight. Every female mimic in the world vamps us as Greta Garbo famously saying “Dahlink, I vant to be left alone”. The difference then was the Swedish icon stuck to it. No frantic interviews as to why she wanted to pull away from the public, an oxymoron of an event if ever there was one. She retreated to Manhattan and her art collection. Manhattan! Can you imagine that? No seeking out the paparazzi and in the one of the most publicity hungry cities on earth. At the height of her fame and beauty she had decided to retreat from the world, possibly due to the negative reviews of The Two Faced Woman. She was 36. The title of that failed movie is pretty ironic when you look at the two-faced women since, who have protested their desire for privacy but who continue seeking the limelight and would attend even the opening of a fridge.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

🎶Memories are made of this🎵

December 4, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Finance/Law Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations Sex Sport Technology
View all 3 Comments

Why...

Can nostalgia be dangerous? Brrrm Brrrm! Walking straight onto a plane with no security checks Carrying my speargun as cabin baggage in a plane First and business class transatlantic flights with no beds Airplane tickets made by travel agents only Smoking carriages on the subway/smoking sections on a plane Asking what is the movie on the plane Hovercraft to France Railway carriages with compartments and corridors Going for a Sunday drive 101 Octane Fuel Buses with conductors Driving without a seatbelt Just a radio with a single speaker in the car Spare tyres in cars No speed limits on motorways Electric Milk Floats Parking meters fed with coins

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

What will you do over the holiday season?

November 13, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Technology
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Does the impending holiday season now revolve exclusively around my TV? Firstly I should say that while tapping out this blog, the sky here in Malta is blue and the dogs are sunbathing in 22c/72f. Thanksgiving and Christmas are about as far from my mind as next year’s tax bill. However television commercials insist on dragging me away from my balmy reality into the fantasy of snow, turkey, goodwill to all men….and get me to start buying. I really do not understand how these companies who start commercials in November and scatterbomb the schedule for nearly two months with the same message, think this warms viewers to their cause. No matter how brilliant a commercial is, there comes a tipping point when repeated viewing turns into watching it again is worse than nails dragged down a backboard.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

For ffff fakes sake

October 10, 2022
Animals/Pets Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Technology
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Care about a fake? I note with interest a puff piece in The London Times about the Hollywood nouveau riche hiring Art Consultants. The need is because these well coiffed beings can shuffle their A list clients to the heads of the queue to get a chance to gobble up a piece of art before anyone else. It also makes A listers feel less insecure having someone there to praise or confirm their good taste or have the expert lend Hollywood Royalty some of their own. Really? I agree if you made a few zillion dollars parading around in Spandex with the superpower to create a hurricane by blowing through your nose, you don’t really have much credibility as a Serious Actor; but in the art world, like any other, money is money. If the Hulk is prepared to pay more than a Titan of Wall Street for a scribble and dots by Cy Twombly, let the richest man win. I would lend more credibility to all these art experts were it not for the unfeasibly large amount of fakes or overbid artwork that has been sold to our brave Hollywood friends! As long ago as 1989 Sylvester Stallone sued his art consultant for $5m.(Brave person. I would have been more worried about a jab and a hook rather than a law suit). Steve Martin bought a fake Heinrich Campendonk (crazy name crazy guy) as have hoards of others. It appears these consultants no more protect you from a painting by Pinocchio rather than Pollock as anyone else

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Fill her up with four star, a packet of crisps, a bottle of Bordeaux and a butt plug please

September 18, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Sex Technology Travel/Nature
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Does the content mix of goods on display in some stores surprise me? I was recently in a small hillside village in the South of France when I stopped at the local gas station just outside town. It was a small family run business, not part of a major chain. When I went inside to pay, whilst I stood in the queue, I idly looked at the stuff on display. Oil, antifreeze, air freshener, alcohol (it’s France) then came across dildos, a massive butt plug and handcuffs. Enterprising as this may be, I just don’t see if you popped in for a few litres of fuel, you might suddenly decide… “Ah yes, I need a new butt plug.” Conversely, if you did need such toys, the last place I would think of to go and buy them would be my local garage. It’s not as if this was a major artery where long distance lorry drivers would pull in and buy themselves some personal amusement as they slept overnight in the car park. When it came to paying the elderly grey haired lady behind the till, I was so tempted to ask if she stocked any French ticklers. So now I have started to actively look for the unexpected in shops. Amazing. Dr. Scholl’s shoes in my greengrocer’s, rat poison in my office supply shop and ‘Jesus loves you’ ties and ‘Jesus saves’ Band-Aids at the local coffee shop.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Just don’t mention the weather

Why...

Can I not turn on the news or pick up a paper without screaming about the weather? The UK news media liken what would be a warm day where I live as akin to the UK living in hail and brimstone. Beelzibub and his minions are stalking the hell-like streets. Pah! However, here in Malta this summer has been hot enough to poach an egg in my underpants. I like the beach as much as anyone but I cannot understand people flocking to be staked out on the sand with the sun hot enough to turn their bodies the colour of condemned veal. Certainly most locals shake their heads in disbelief at the tourists gently sizzling on the shoreline. So instead, my wife, the French bulldogs and I enjoy the view of the Mediterranean from the comfort of the air conditioning, with the occasional sprint into the pool. Even the dogs hop across the garden flagstones to jump into the flowerbed to pee. Forget booties for the snow, you need them to protect your tootsies from turning into ten chipolatas!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

It only has to do one thing

July 30, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Technology
View all 2 Comments

Why...

Is it so difficult for simple things to do the one thing they were designed for? We have a set of drawers in our bathroom in the built in cabinets around the sink. However, they are all coy. Instead of fully opening they half open. I have checked the runners etc. They are specifically designed only to be drawn out half their depth! I spend my life with my arm half bent rummaging around at the dark recess of the back for medicines, pills, chargers and other bathroom paraphernalia having to sweep them to the front so I can see them. I would really like to meet that designer and warmly shake him by the throat.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

It’s an ATM not a Nintendo game boy

Why...

Do I seem to always be queueing at an ATM with someone who seems to be playing a game on the console? Just put the card in and take out the money! Maybe people miss the interaction with a bank teller? For all I know they could be typing in ‘Good morning, how are your kids/cats/bunions?’ All I see is cards go in, lots of typing, staring at the screen, then reading slips of paper… only to repeat the whole process all over again with another card. The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Maybe I am the mad one expecting people just to extract money from an ATM rather than a prolonged electronic dialogue.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

🎶 Here comes summer … or does it?

May 1, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Is the weather schizophrenic? Winter this year has behaved like the house guest who outstays his or her welcome. I have to admit that summer 2021 was hot enough to poach an egg in my underpants, therefore I was relieved for the respite of a winter chill. However, it’s now the beginning of May , yet Nanook of the North would have pulled on extra clothing over Easter here in Malta. Grey skies, a wind that could yank the eyebrows off your face and rain horizontal enough to win a limbo dance competition. Today the sun is shining but according to the forecast, it’s a deception worthy of David Copperfield (the magician, not the Dickens character). In a few days time, the temperature is set to drop low enough to make my pubic hair crackle; so the Ambre Solaire will go back in the cupboard and out will come my hot water bottle.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I never know what to put in each recycle bin

April 10, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Technology
View all 0 Comments

Why...

Do I have so many types of garbage bins when I deeply suspect it all goes into one galopata galopata machine anyway? Don’t get me wrong, I am doing my best to save the planet, whether it means only cleaning my belly button with a Q-tip once a month, or recycling my dogs poop by tossing it over the wall onto my next door neighbours’ geraniums. But bins? I have a battalion of these things standing to attention outside my door. The list is endless. Bins for bottles without screw top collar, sacks for those with them… and then subdivided between clear green and brown. 6 just for glass. Life is all receptacles for spectacles, crates for ash from grates, containers for retainers, hoppers for party poppers and repositories for suppositories. The subdivision for rubbish has gone mad. Surely what burns easily and is non synthetic like paper, real food, clothing and coffee grinds in one and synthetics like plastic, tin and any takeaway food in the other… and maybe one for glass.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Beelzebub is extremely grateful to TV’s commissioning editors

April 3, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Politics Technology
View all 1 Comment

Why...

Is streamed TV drama suddenly so boring? I don’t know if you have noticed but after a cracking first few years, Netflix, Prime and Hulu et al are abandoning main stream entertainment for more PC and worthy subjects. “Shame on you,” I hear you all cry. However, this is my blog and you are welcome to challenge me. My theory however, is very simple. Back in the day when Netflix etc. were Davids to the established broadcast Goliaths, the middle aged owners took a keen interest in the commissioning process. Not least because they simply did not have the luxury of appointing high flying commissioning editors. They sought out established producers which gave out massive hits like, Bosch, Money Heist, Sneaky Pete, The Grand Tour, Catastrophe, The Kominsky Method, The Handmaid’s Tale etc., etc. (Before you say Breaking Bad remember that was an AMC show that caught fire on Netflix due to every episode being available in one go).

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Subscribe to my weekly posts

Archives

Recent Posts

Categories

What drives you crazy?

Want to know when I publish the next blog?

All posts in category: Technology

If you want to sell me something, don’t steal my time

Why...

The Betamax of the Car Industry

Why...

I am still scared of the dentist - My dog should be too!

Why...

🎶We’re off to see the Wizard, 🎵The wonderful Wizard of ...

Why...

I’m back and I’d rather hang myself than another picture

Why...

Moving house? I am going away!

Why...

Assault and Battery

Why...

“Liar Liar Pants on Fire”

Why...

Welcome aboard. This is your Captain speaking

Why...

I want to be left alone - TV and magazine interviews on exactly why, to follow.

Why...

🎶Memories are made of this🎵

Why...

What will you do over the holiday season?

Why...

For ffff fakes sake

Why...

Fill her up with four star, a packet of crisps, a bottle of Bordeaux and a butt plug please

Why...

Just don’t mention the weather

Why...

It only has to do one thing

Why...

It’s an ATM not a Nintendo game boy

Why...

🎶 Here comes summer … or does it?

Why...

I never know what to put in each recycle bin

Why...

Beelzebub is extremely grateful to TV’s commissioning editors

Why...