All posts in category: Sport

Remember to play safe, but where’s the fun in that?

Why...

Is there so little thrill and danger? By far and away the moments of my life that sparkle in my memory are those of danger, wonder or excitement. Often all three. (These of course include marriage ceremonies). If, as they say, life’s key moments will flash in front of my eyes just before I shuffle off this mortal coil, I am damn sure mine will not include any snippets from work, religious services, group sessions of any description, let alone earnest social or political discussion. I suspect those fleeting last moments will feature marriages, my beloved wife, kids and grandkids… yet interspersed with: Screaming in fear bulleting solo down the Cresta toboggan run in St. Moritz Jumping off Annapurna on a hang-glider in Nepal (following my wife) Hand feeding a Tiger shark (admittedly wearing a butchers chain mail glove) scuba diving in the Pacific near Tahiti Sideways out of control in an eyewateringly expensive classic Ferrari around the UK’s famous Goodwood race track Avoiding a stampede of screaming girls at a Beatles concert at the Hammersmith Odeon Jumping out of a plane at 14,000 feet over Nelson, New Zealand (again following my wife) Accidentally getting airborne solo in a glider whilst still a schoolboy. Munching fugu (deadly poisonous puffer fish) in Tokyo Working with lions the size of Buicks on a movie shoot in Africa, certain I smelled like a tasty chicken Discreetly exiting the boudoir of a lady who failed to mention she was still married until her husband returned early from a business trip. As I look at current generations it would appear most of their thrills are vicarious, living through an Avatar in some video game or fantasising about men in Spandex in f/x laden movies. For real spice a few dawb paint at some middle class location like a museum, Wimbledon Tennis, Ryder Cup Golf, or Test cricket beseeching me to Stop Oil. Safe sensible places where the public might tut-tut displeasure. To me, that’s about as exiting as watching toast get cold. Danger and risk of injury is what makes you feel alive. If protestors want to raise their heart beat and get real press, try that kind of malarkey as an MMA event or NSCAR race and see what the crowd think of you.

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It’s all about kit

October 6, 2024
Fasion Health & Beauty Sport Technology Travel/Nature
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Why...

Are we obsessed with accessories? It doesn’t matter whether it’s macrame or motor cars, fishing or falconry, shooting or skateboarding, any hobby is really about the kit. I have been a scuba diver since before I got my driving license. I was actually taught to dive by the crew from Jacques Cousteau’s Calypso while on R & R anchored in Bandol in the South of France My equipment consisted of a horseshoe like vest that was the precursor to a BCD jacket. I had a depth gauge, mask, fins and a crude weight belt with a simple hook and eye clasp. Tank was hung over my back with a webbing like belt. Didn’t even have an air gauge. Just a coat hanger like lever to pull when air got tight and that was my safety reserve! I was diving here in Malta last week in balmy autumn weather with people looking like knights in suits of armour. Dry suits, rebreathers, knives, torches, compass, dive computer, electric dive scooter, emergency tank, booties, gloves, and I’m sure a couple of people added a kitchen sink to the dive bag attached to their waist. All this clobber was there for one reason. Kit. Every time a diver enters a dive shop there is always something there ready to separate you from hard earned cash. New kit is katnip. It can be as simple as a ball on a rubber ring that fits around your tank and you can flick to make a banging noise to attract attention right the way up to a full face mask with radio walky talky ability. I’m amazed that Deliveroo are not on speed dial to deliver extra goodies while hanging around at a decompression stop. The same endless list of goodies are available to snowboard and winter skiers, parachute jumpers, golfers, fishermen, classic car enthusiasts and cooks. I have drawers stuffed full of kitchen gadgets that at one time or another seemed essential but are now just future landfill.

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Are the hosting of the Olympics becoming the next ‘black spot’ no one really wants to receive?

Why...

Does everyone who has previously won an Olympic bid then say it was never worth it, yet countries queue up to host it? The Moaning Minnie list of previous Olympic hosts is longer than the ribbon gymnasts wave about on their floor exercise. (Quick question here. In an age of equality why are only women allowed this exercise?) The Australian grumble about how the Olympic village outside Sydney was originally a rubbish tip and at least they have returned it to that. The bird’s nest stadium in Beijing might as well be birds nest soup and the Olympic structures in Rio crumble like rocks of cocaine that are sold there. I read today in the London Times that before Paris has even fired a starting gun there is much mooching and shrugging of shoulders of unhappy Parisians. The hoteliers are complaining that the hotels are at only 70% occupancy as so many tourists have taken to Airbnb. Restaurant bookings are down as again those in Airbnb are cooking in. “Pourquoi”, (why) cry our French cousins, the stub of a Gauloise cigarette screwed into the corner of their downturned mouths. GREED is the answer. The simply ridiculous price hikes by the cheese eating surrender monkeys, as Homer Simpson once described the French, are just one step too far. Add to that the by-the-throat greeting by Parisians to foreigners and you have a recipe for attendance disaster that even Escoffier could not have whipped up. Of course as an extra ‘amuse-bouche’ to this PR meal disaster is the fact the French have had an election with change in direction that makes a weather vane in a tornado look stable. With a two part vote the first set swung France to the right. “Quelle horreur” the media all wept as they ran around hands on cheeks like the figure in The Scream by Edvard Munch. So they then get every single other party to co-operate on candidates on tactical voting to beat Marine Le Pen and instead end up with a far left Government who want 90% top rate of tax, retirement dropped from 65 to 60 and unlimited immigration. And who think the Olympics an outrageous waste of money. Do I see conflict of interest raising its head here?

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🎶Memories are made of this🎵

December 4, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Finance/Law Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations Sex Sport Technology
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Why...

Can nostalgia be dangerous? Brrrm Brrrm! Walking straight onto a plane with no security checks Carrying my speargun as cabin baggage in a plane First and business class transatlantic flights with no beds Airplane tickets made by travel agents only Smoking carriages on the subway/smoking sections on a plane Asking what is the movie on the plane Hovercraft to France Railway carriages with compartments and corridors Going for a Sunday drive 101 Octane Fuel Buses with conductors Driving without a seatbelt Just a radio with a single speaker in the car Spare tyres in cars No speed limits on motorways Electric Milk Floats Parking meters fed with coins

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It’s not about the money … honestly

June 19, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Sport
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Why...

Is everyone so coy about admitting ‘I am doing it for the money?’ There is a huge brouhaha going on because a bunch of sportsmen dressed in awful tartan and plaid clothing have decided to whack a few balls around God’s largest bunker, Saudi Arabia. Now, dear reader, have a guess what attracted these already rich men to play golf there? Was it… 1. The quality and diversity of the golf courses bathed in 100 degree heat 2. The range of free alcoholic beverages on offer 3. The chance to dance the night away with local unescorted ladies in some jiving nightclub and the wonderful variety of nightlife and entertainment 4. The opportunity to mingle freely with people of either sex or sexual orientation without fear of segregation or arrest 5. Their support to the regime that chopped up poor journalist Jamal Khashoggi in October 2018, and has a habit of beheading people whose sexual orientation or religion they disagree with, bans free speech and can use torture as a punishment from courts…… or 6. Could it possibly be the multimillion dollar prize money? Whilst trying not to reveal themselves as the money grabbing venal people most of us are, the golfers have tied themselves into a Gordian knot trying to say money was the last reason they agreed to the tour. Such a shame. I would have hugely respected the man who had piped up and said: “The only reason to visit this godforsaken sandpit with stone-age rules about women and gay people is to make vast amounts of money. If people honestly believe my presence here has anything to do with supporting a repressive regime they are either dreaming or drive in Formula I.” Previous F1 events have taken place in such well known beacons of human rights as Russia, Turkey, Bahrain, China, Qatar, Azerbaijan, Saudi Arabia and AbuDhabi.

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Who took in my trousers?

Why...

Is getting dressed in normal clothes again proving so hard?

As we emerge blinking into the post COVID light (or Putin’s nuclear Armageddon) it is time to put away elasticised tracksuits, have a shave and put on shoes not sneakers.

It was in fact a relief to trim my beard as I was starting to look like Grizzly Adams. Tying up shoelaces took a bit of practice but I got there. Knotting my first tie in two and a half years was a challenge. I also tried to tie a bow tie. The result looked like a drunken moth.

Trousers were something else. When did the tailor fairies come into my house and take all my trousers in? I had to shoehorn myself into my smart trousers recently. If I sneezed my fly zipper would have come undone.

This is all a bit of a puzzle as I thought during lockdown that the times we weren’t opening and closing the fridge, expecting each time for it to have different content, people were superglued to their Pelaton machine, doing a one legged pigeon pose or just having sex. It appears this is as fictional as the Downing Street parties. Someone has inserted a Space hopper into me.

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It’s not over till the fat lady sings

February 21, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Politics Sport Technology
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Why...

Do we expect the TV news anchors to read the future?

Such is our insatiable appetite for news bites, we have forgotten how to sit down for a proper five course news meal.

It doesn’t matter if it’s Oscar nominees (yawn), COVID rules, Putin’s lack of rules or who is going to run as US President in the next elections, newscasters are permanently trying to predict these answers rather than wait and report them.

I am amazed that CNN or Fox News don’t have a crystal ball on their bulletin desks or their outside reporters don’t include Mystic Meg and Nostradamus. I suspect for the weather reports, these last two may be better than the systems currently employed! Last week in London I got soaked on what was supposed to be “sunny with occasional clouds”.

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The next Olympic sport should be the Air Guitar

Why...

Are some fun sports excluded from The Games?

I watched the recent Olympics with the inclusion of new disciplines such as mountain biking, karate, skateboarding and rock climbing with some joy mixed with confusion. These are nearly all sports of the current generation which is why some participants had to ask nanny if they could miss their afternoon reading lessons to compete in their sport. They also had to beg to stay up late for their medal ceremony, no doubt wearing slippers and pyjamas so they went straight to bed afterwards.

My grandfathers generation had manly sports such as tug of war with all the men in hooped onesies, rugby boots and walrus moustaches.

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Resistance is futile... I will dress like a pimp from a blaxploitation movie

Why...

Do certain pastimes creep up on me as I get older? Golf is a great example. Forty years ago the whole clubby, cliquey, smug aroma of joining a club and spending eons smacking a little white ball around manicured lawns represented everything the young urchin in me hated. I refused ever to pick up a golf club, wanting the world to know I was kicking against the pricks in every sense of the word. I would rather have entered Richard Nixon than a golf club. Then a few years ago a virus struck down many of my friends who suddenly started not only playing the game but wearing tartan V neck sweaters and trousers, accompanied by white flat caps and checkered leather shoes that Cab Calloway would have been proud of. They even started drinking gin. Fortunately around that time I met my beloved wife. In an earlier life she had dated a professional golfer and it had put her off the game for life. I was safe. However a dear friend and his wife came to visit recently and both are avid golfers. As I listened to them ramble on about such arcane terms such as nibblets, bogies and my particular favourite an Adolf Hitler; (two shots in a bunker), I suddenly said: "That sounds great." Time stood still. You can't unring that bell. My wife instead of getting up and looking for a rolling pin to shuffle my teeth added: "There is only one course here in Malta!"

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Tokyo Olympics... wanna bet?

Why...

Are we fooling ourselves the 2020 Olympics will take place in 2021. If you asked a four year old what they thought about flying people in from every country on earth to mix in essentially one location, you would be met with Greta Thunberg-like incredulity. I am happy to stick my neck out and say there is more chance of finding a tap dancing oyster than there is of watching a medal ceremony this summer.

Although as a youth I showed all the athletic ability of a mollusc, I have real sympathy for Olympic Athletes. You get a crack at glory every four years, but in my mind it looks pretty certain the gap will be eight years this time. That’s a lifetime as an athlete.

The Japanese Olympic committee seem to occupy some male dystopian NeverNeverLand where what they say goes, no matter the evidence. To them the Games are as certain to accompany this summer as raw fish is accompanied by rice.

To compound how out of touch our Japanese friends are, they recently announced they would NOT extend the female representation on their Olympic board to 40%, because women talk too much in committee meetings! Sad, as maybe they could talk some sense into these misogynistic blazer wearing dinosaurs.

At best you might allow athletes who have had a jab, but that of course would punish the poorer nations... and Russia whose inoculation is as close to those that actually work as their Tupolev TU-144 (Concordski) was to Concorde.

To be honest, I still cannot make out if the Russians would have been allowed to participate anyway!

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Why are super strength bin liners as thin as a condom and with all the strength of wet rice paper?

Why...

Are bin liners so weak?

Every pack of bin liners my wife buys has packaging screaming, super strong, extra strength, tear proof. The Superman of black bags... yet unravel the roll and instead you get an anaemic Clarke Kent sack that will tear if you fill it with only cotton candy.

I assume ‘normal’ strength bags are so fragile they are only suitable to stick wishes and dreams into.

Is there no scale of strength for refuse bags? A minimum level of actually being able to hold something heavier than a ping pong ball?

There you go EU bureaucrats! Do something more useful than determining the curvature of a banana and give minimum strength requirements to bin bags.

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Do I get loyalty points if I have to quarantine for two weeks in a hotel?

February 7, 2021
Fasion Health & Beauty Kids/Family/Relations Sex Sport Work
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Why...

Not get some benefit from being locked in a gilded cage for a fortnight?

Now I understand many of you might think two weeks in quarantine in a Premier Inn in Wigan might just be a first world complaint. However, that will only be from people who have never experienced a wet Wednesday in Wigan in February. For those who have, it’s the closet thing to purgatory outside of having to watch endless repeats of the Wheel of Fortune with someone who constantly shouts out the wrong answers.

It troubles me that you can tip out of your first class seat at Heathrow and end up locked in some orange and beige nightmare in Brentford for two weeks instead of your normal sojourn at The Ritz. I hear the allocation of the actual quarantine hotel is luck of the draw. That clearly can not be true. There must be a fiddle somewhere. I just don’t believe you might end up in a magnificent palace with a suite large enough to have a croquet tournament or a hutch so small a mouse with a hard on could not turn around. Does anyone have the skinny on how to get a decent allocation?

And what do you do for two weeks? Do you end up tapping morse code on the walls with your jailed neighbour? Maybe fling open the curtains and scream out the window like Peter Finch in Network, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore.” Or would that mean the boys in blue come around and lock you in an even tinier cell instead?

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Never ask for directions and other essential tourist information...

August 1, 2020
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Sport Travel/Nature
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Why...

Do I know more about where I visit than where I live? If you want to amuse yourself in a city you are visiting ask directions to a made up address. If it's slightly rude… even better. Piddle Lane, Butt Hole Road, Divorce Court or (my favourite) Camel Toe Drive. (These in fact all exist). Nine times out of ten the person you ask will point you with utter certainty in the direction of your fictitious address. Locals never, ever, can be seen to know less than a foreigner. It is a maxim that you are always better informed of the cities you visit than the ones you live in. Most foreigners know far more than I do about London....and I lived there off and on for fifty years. The last time I viewed the Crown Jewels at the Tower of London, TV was black and white and The Beatles wore suits. My most recent visit to the British Museum was with my toddler son......who is now a pilot! However I visit the Louvre every time I am in Paris and the Met every time I'm in New York. I would rather kiss a politician than go to the Opera in London but in Vienna it's a must. If you do want true culture always search out a local museum. There are only so many Botticelli's a man can see in a day but how about the Phallogical (gentleman's sausage) Museum in Reykjavik, Iceland? You can compare notes with the Condom Museum in Bangkok or Sex Museum in Amsterdam? Got the kids? No problem. There are Barbie museums in Paris, Rome and Montreal or a Cup Noodle Museum in Osaka.

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If eating food is a sport, I need to start training properly

Why...

Can I not think of a single redeeming feature of eating competitions... unless of course it’s my company’s food. There are plenty of people who can argue with some justification that tug-of-war, tiddlywinks, or Morris Dancing are sports. At least they require some skill, a smidgen of technical ability. Dare I say it, there is also some teamwork or aesthetic beauty. Apart from the hand to eye coordination of being able to stuff food into your mouth like a high speed conveyor belt, I can think of nothing that needs any special requirements... except zero common sense and a stomach capable of enlarging to the size of a mid range Buick. Let’s put aside the question of if it’s a sport. Let’s start with why is it even a pastime. The basics. Gluttony. That is the skill. That attracts a very specific individual. Certainly if you shout in their ear you might get an echo. The goal. Waste as much bad food as possible and try not to vomit. Every eating competition I have found contains junk food with more additives than a years worth of Apple I-phone updates. Competitors taste buds are not exactly refined. And as the food is cheap, so it’s easy to supply in industrial size portions. From a personal point of view I would question the word Food! I mean no one ever has a caviar or truffle eating festival otherwise I might be tempted.

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No, it’s not an illness nor a condition... it’s lack of self-control

October 18, 2019
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Finance/Law Kids/Family/Relations Sex Sport
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Why...

Is everything bad that happens to young people not their fault or beyond their control? However, if anything good happens, especially by blind stupid luck (yes, you lottery winners & Love Island/ Big Brother) it is all down to destiny and a well-deserved reward from society ‘for being me’... especially if I am lazy and lack a nanogramme of skill. We have created a generation that is obsessed with the self and values just existing as a reason to enjoy rewards, regardless of any talent (a bit like the succession in the monarchy....). When growing up, my generation wanted to have a talent to allow us to be an astronaut, athlete, Rock God, movie icon, Wall Street Titan or porn star. Ambition was about having talent. A recent survey showed that the most popular ambition now is to be a reality TV star; i.e. not bother with learning to fly, run, play an instrument, sing, act, count or keep a hard on for a day! Basically, you just permanently shop, make vacuous statements and put your name to a line of cosmetics to get paid buckets of money. If you have butt cheeks between which you could park a Harley Davidson, even better.

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If you are going to sing the National Anthem at an event, the faster the better

Why...

Do people insist on singing National Anthems at major events at full vibrato and wringing out every note for eternity? I understand the recently deceased Aretha Franklin set the bar in the USA at a staggering 4 minutes 55 seconds at a football game on Thanksgiving 2016. That’s longer than it took a surgeon in the 1550’s in Malta to whip out a kidney stone AND amputate a leg! The normal time for the US ditty is one minute 40 seconds. I mean, I’m all for putting your hand over your heart and showing some national pride but 5 minutes before you get to ‘From sea to shining sea…’!? In winter?

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Attention Airlines. I am not an egg. Please don’t poach me

Why...

Do airlines insist on cabins being too hot when you board? I admire pilots. My son is one. The only thing more difficult to understand how to operate than a plane is possibly Donald Trump’s hairdryer… but not a simple thermostat. So please, all cabin crew, can we set cabins at a temperature that human life as we know it can survive when we board? Overheated cabins incense me (in every sense of the word) so much that I have started to take a digital thermometer with me when I travel. I enjoy waving this at the In-Flight Attendant showing a toasty 28c/86f degrees and once in my seat I loudly suggest: “Excuse me, after three minutes I should be perfectly poached. My wife sitting next to me wonders if you would bring her some buttered toast to accompany her meal.”

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If you don’t want to do it, screw up badly ... once

Why...

Do people moan about doing things they hate? Don’t like washing up? Drop a few tea-cups or leave a couple of cornflakes welded to a plate. Hate spring cleaning? Dribble drops of eggshell enamel onto the dog’s head. My father, when asked to change his first nappy (and they were toweling ones back in the day) gagged at the smell then promptly flushed waste and nappy down the loo. He blocked the drains for an entire apartment block and was forbidden from ever changing my diapers again. Result! At school I found playing cricket matches a waste of four sunny afternoon hours. Dragooned into playing against another school because I was a half decent bowler, I swapped the ball for a tomato. Splat! Cricket whites covered in red spots. I was called to the housemaster, told I was a disgrace to the school and as punishment I would never be allowed to play cricket again. It took the acting skills of De Niro to look thoroughly upset, rather than punch the air for joy.

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I say, anyone for tennis?

July 7, 2018
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Politics Sport Technology
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Why...

Have some events managed to stay essentially the same in character whilst others have changed beyond recognition? Wimbledon is in many ways gloriously anachronistic and has stayed resolutely the same since 1877. My late father was on the board and I was immensely lucky to have watched every men’s final from 1969 until his death in 2004. Yes the event is old fashioned but still managed to sneak in the odd dollop of progress. It took till mid 60s before the All English Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club, to give it its official name, allowed professionals to compete. In the 1970s skirts went high and in the 1980s rackets just went high tech. In the 1990s Wimbledon led the way in taking a little pressure out of the balls to stop short serve and volley rallies that threatened to ruin the game... but those two weeks in July are still rooted in Agatha Christie’s England. Pimms Number 1 cup to drink, smoked salmon sandwiches, strawberries & cream to eat, and a fearsome dress code. All men must wear jackets and ties in the members enclosure, trousers are frowned on for women and no one raises their voice (John Mcenroe in his prime, the exception that proved the rule). Even now the men’s and ladies champion pair up at the opening dance at the Gala finale ball. You almost expect to see Maggie Smith as Dowager Lady Grantham complete with lorgnette inspecting the crowds to make sure no riff-raff have gained entry. And yet Wimbledon has survived, even thrived. Unique in the tennis world as a Grand Slam on grass yet with the atmosphere of a smart village fete. It’s not the quaint atmosphere that puzzles me, but why no one else has tried to copy it.

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And they all lived happily ever after

Why...

Do we think that nations with opposite views will eventually all become lovey dovey? The fact that North and South Korea are competing in the snowman building competition at the Olympics or that the British and our continental friends like a sing-song event called the Eurovision Song Contest does not mean for one moment all is platonic. The UK has had a very jaundiced view about foreigners ever since 10,000 BC, when the British Isles uncoupled itself from France due to tectonic shifts and became an island fortress. “If God had wanted us to be European, we would not take baths but showers nor eat food that has gone off and whose rotten taste is covered up in fancy sauces,” say many limeys. However despite this feeling of self righteous ‘differentness’, every high street in the UK looks the same as they are all franchises from multi-national brands, whereas in most of rural Europe individuality at retail level rules supreme. Go figure. The rift between North and South Korea is but a blink of an eye in the history of our times but looks to run as long as the all time Box Office Champ of dispute between the Jews and other Arab nations.

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All posts in category: Sport

Remember to play safe, but where’s the fun in that?

Why...

It’s all about kit

Why...

Are the hosting of the Olympics becoming the next ‘black spot’ no one really wants to receive?

Why...

🎶Memories are made of this🎵

Why...

It’s not about the money … honestly

Why...

Who took in my trousers?

Why...

It’s not over till the fat lady sings

Why...

The next Olympic sport should be the Air Guitar

Why...

Resistance is futile... I will dress like a pimp from a blaxploitation movie

Why...

Tokyo Olympics... wanna bet?

Why...

Why are super strength bin liners as thin as a condom and with all the strength of wet rice paper?

Why...

Do I get loyalty points if I have to quarantine for two weeks in a hotel?

Why...

Never ask for directions and other essential tourist information...

Why...

If eating food is a sport, I need to start training properly

Why...

No, it’s not an illness nor a condition... it’s lack of self-control

Why...

If you are going to sing the National Anthem at an event, the faster the better

Why...

Attention Airlines. I am not an egg. Please don’t poach me

Why...

If you don’t want to do it, screw up badly ... once

Why...

I say, anyone for tennis?

Why...

And they all lived happily ever after

Why...