All posts in category: Politics

Attention impoverished authors, here is a surefire bestseller with forever royalties

Why...

Struggle at the typewriter?

It seems to me the woke brigade have won in their determination to extract the humour chromosome from humans along with rejecting any disagreement with their point of view as either racist, right wing or offensive.

Ladies and Gentlemen, where is the woke version of the biggest selling book in the world? No, not Agatha Christie or the terms and conditions of Twitter… but The Bible.

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“Liar Liar Pants on Fire”

March 12, 2023
Entertainment/Media/Arts Life Politics Technology
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Why...

Is watching 24 hour news reminding me of a primary school fight over break-time sticky buns?

If you try and explain to kids today that once we only had a news reader who told us the facts, leaving us to make up our own minds as to the substance, they look at you with utter incredulity.

The trouble all started with CNN and 24 hour news. Someone or something had to fill in the time between bulletins so what could be better or cheaper than an organised debate between opposing views.

Of course that’s about as exciting as watching toast get cold. However, screaming, shouting, abuse and the odd guest even flouncing out of the studio in a strop, is ratings gold. So out went decorum, in came the forum. In fact worse than the forum, more like the Colosseum with the collective audience giving the thumbs up or down as to who can live or die.

Who cares if fact takes second place to drama? Fuel to the fire was added with the relentless advance of digital media, where people’s inability to grasp basic facts is not a valid argument against them!

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Beelzebub is extremely grateful to TV’s commissioning editors

April 3, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Politics Technology
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Why...

Is streamed TV drama suddenly so boring? I don’t know if you have noticed but after a cracking first few years, Netflix, Prime and Hulu et al are abandoning main stream entertainment for more PC and worthy subjects. “Shame on you,” I hear you all cry. However, this is my blog and you are welcome to challenge me. My theory however, is very simple. Back in the day when Netflix etc. were Davids to the established broadcast Goliaths, the middle aged owners took a keen interest in the commissioning process. Not least because they simply did not have the luxury of appointing high flying commissioning editors. They sought out established producers which gave out massive hits like, Bosch, Money Heist, Sneaky Pete, The Grand Tour, Catastrophe, The Kominsky Method, The Handmaid’s Tale etc., etc. (Before you say Breaking Bad remember that was an AMC show that caught fire on Netflix due to every episode being available in one go).

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It’s not over till the fat lady sings

February 21, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Politics Sport Technology
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Why...

Do we expect the TV news anchors to read the future?

Such is our insatiable appetite for news bites, we have forgotten how to sit down for a proper five course news meal.

It doesn’t matter if it’s Oscar nominees (yawn), COVID rules, Putin’s lack of rules or who is going to run as US President in the next elections, newscasters are permanently trying to predict these answers rather than wait and report them.

I am amazed that CNN or Fox News don’t have a crystal ball on their bulletin desks or their outside reporters don’t include Mystic Meg and Nostradamus. I suspect for the weather reports, these last two may be better than the systems currently employed! Last week in London I got soaked on what was supposed to be “sunny with occasional clouds”.

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Vital academic study shows The Hulk has piles

Why...

Are academics allowed to waste resources on utterly pointless research.

The University of Queenstown have been working diligently on the health issues of Marvel Superheroes. Yup that’s right, they spent hours of University time to come to the following conclusions after reviewers watched 24 Marvel films… the superheroes would all face chronic conditions in old age. The Hulk’s excessive weight and permanent anger means he is at risk to a series of diseases, from heart attacks and dementia to maybe piles. Black Widow’s traumatic childhood means she is at increased risk of becoming physically and mentally ill. Spider Man works at night as a teenager which means he is not getting the recommended eight hours of sleep which leads to health problems, obesity and unintentional injuries. So now it’s woke problems that affect fictional characters. Anger, lack of eight hours sleep and traumatic childhood. You couldn’t make this up… well, you don’t need to. It’s research into made up people. Academics have gone loopy.

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“I would rather cry in my Rolls-Royce than laugh on a bicycle” - Patrizia Reggiani, the notoriously greedy wife to Maurizio Gucci… whom she murdered. I agree

June 13, 2021
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Politics Sex
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Why...

Whoever said the best things in life are free is an idiot. He or she probably believes stars are God’s daisy chain or that rain is just liquid sunshine.

Before you all leap to fire emails at me like Exocet missiles, note the word things.

Love, friendship, good health, a decent moral compass, humour, compassion etc… yes they are the building blocks of happiness… but not things.

Things are what you can touch, be it jets, yachts, mansions, jewellery, caviar, Vintage Krug; even a pair of gravity defying boobs or a six pack. In each case they are eye-wateringly expensive. In fact, the only limit is the size of your wallet and personal greed or lack of taste or real sense of self worth.

However, some of these excesses imbue in me not only head shaking incredulity but equally a feeling of moral and intellectual superiority that the super rich can be super stupid. I remember meeting one of the Producers of Dallas who told me the secret to it’s success (and for the same reason Dynasty) was:

“There is nothing more satisfying than the eye-candy of rich people lives and toys then to watch them screw up a situation you think you could handle better yourself.”

Things like Vicuña cod pieces for $5,000 or a Hammacher Schlemmer single ice cube maker for $759.95 are not on my wish list now and if I won the Lottery, I cannot see they would ever be.

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“Before you pay your bill just some security questions” is the stupidest statement I have ever heard

Why...

Do we put up with inane statements or questions?

Let’s start with the one above. The only reason for this, is to be sure it’s me paying my bill. How many people contact a payment desk to pay someone else’s bill?

And if they do why would I give a damn! I mean it’s not as if there are a bunch of Nigerian conmen who have suddenly had a St. Paul like revelation, seen the error of their ways, and are now randomly paying people’s bills for atonement instead of fraudulently emptying their accounts.

This is the kind of nonsense talk that when it starts, all I hear is blah blah blah.

The next pile in the arse of the digital age are sites who allow you to use PayPal (excellent) but before you can, they ask for all your details... which defeats the point of PayPal. It’s like getting a ‘go anywhere’ travel card on the subway but still having to type in where you came from and where you are going!

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Lost & Found… but we keep it anyway

Why...

Is getting back stuff you have lost so difficult? Yes, I understand that my i-Phone and i-Pad should be attached to my wrists with a piece of string, just like a toddler’s gloves. I do have a tendency to lose things… A LOT. However, recently I left my i-Pad on a Turkish Airline flight that had to connect via Ataturk (Istanbul) Airport. I left the i-Pad on the plane that landed in Ataturk from Malta and noticed it missing on the plane to Sofia, my final destination. So far, so stupid. Rang the airline. Hooray they have found it. To confirm it was mine they asked for the access code to turn it on. I gave it to them. “When are you coming to collect it from Lost and Found?” I replied I was not coming back though Ataturk so could I send a courier to collect. “No. Lost and Found is airside (i.e. after customs/immigration control) so you have to collect yourself.” Having a Lost and Found at an airport that you can only physically pick up yourself if travelling is as logical as a chocolate tea-pot. In addition, my insurance company declined to pay out a loss as the item was in fact recovered. Now if I was a cynical chap, I might think this is part of a cunning plan. You lose an item on a plane, you hand over the access code to show it is yours, they know you are unlikely to collect and before you can say Ebay, it’s for sale… but that would be a terrible thing to suggest…….

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Tokyo Olympics... wanna bet?

Why...

Are we fooling ourselves the 2020 Olympics will take place in 2021. If you asked a four year old what they thought about flying people in from every country on earth to mix in essentially one location, you would be met with Greta Thunberg-like incredulity. I am happy to stick my neck out and say there is more chance of finding a tap dancing oyster than there is of watching a medal ceremony this summer.

Although as a youth I showed all the athletic ability of a mollusc, I have real sympathy for Olympic Athletes. You get a crack at glory every four years, but in my mind it looks pretty certain the gap will be eight years this time. That’s a lifetime as an athlete.

The Japanese Olympic committee seem to occupy some male dystopian NeverNeverLand where what they say goes, no matter the evidence. To them the Games are as certain to accompany this summer as raw fish is accompanied by rice.

To compound how out of touch our Japanese friends are, they recently announced they would NOT extend the female representation on their Olympic board to 40%, because women talk too much in committee meetings! Sad, as maybe they could talk some sense into these misogynistic blazer wearing dinosaurs.

At best you might allow athletes who have had a jab, but that of course would punish the poorer nations... and Russia whose inoculation is as close to those that actually work as their Tupolev TU-144 (Concordski) was to Concorde.

To be honest, I still cannot make out if the Russians would have been allowed to participate anyway!

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Maltese Termites are fed up with lockdown

October 3, 2020
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Politics
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Why...

Did these wood-chomping insects decide to come out of hiding last week and treat my home as a smorgasbord? Recently I awoke to the sound of my wife cursing and yelling. As I was still in bed I wracked my brain if I had said or done anything offensive the night before. We had hosted a fairly drunken dinner party during which all I could recall was the dogs farted and the charming lady next to me hoovering up food and drink with abandon. Being brave I got up and went to where the wailing and gnashing of teeth came from. My wife was gesticulating at a wall that seemed to be crisscrossed with curved lines of what looked like pepper. She was frantically pulling picture frames off the wall. “They have eaten my ‘I will not talk during class’.”Sure enough a picture frame that housed the final page signed by her father of a punishment of several hundred lines handed out in 2nd grade, now looked like it was made from Swiss cheese. It was full of holes. In fact the entire back of the wooden frame had proved to be a canapé before the main course of this highly prized family heirloom. This troop of munchers seemingly overnight had devoured several picture frames and half a door frame. A feat of gluttony that was pretty impressive. “Honestly, will you look at that. These things are no respecter of Covid lockdown.....” This time I had to move quickly to avoid a slap.

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Next up Jane Bond or In-Diana Jones...

Why...

The fuss about gender change in the creative process? So Dr. Who is now a woman. Who-hoo! But the Doctor is not a human anyway? Time Lord, Time Lady... all a bit vague so I think it's a great idea, as did Dr. Who co-creator Sydney Neumann back in the 1980s who suggested it to the BBC (They rejected it)! But now there are calls for Jane Bond, Jolanda Bourne, even In-Diana Jones. No no no no no! These characters are as male as much as Lisabeth Salander (Dragon Tattoo) Katniss Everdeen (Hunger Games) and Celie (Colour Purple) are female. The lunatic who thinks altering the author's original vision is their prerogative is at best wholly presumptive and at worst insulting to the creative process. As always the cries for these changes are emitted by mental pipsqueaks with all the creative talent of a mollusk. If they are so keen to see changes, go create something; don't stand at the sidelines picking at other people's work. I already blogged about the lunacy of PC titles for books (http://andanotherthin.wpengine.com/when-did-you-last-read-the-dark-nag) but changing the sex, colour, nationality, religion or race of a lead literary character to suit the mood of the day is so short sighted as to make Mr. Magoo have the vision of an eagle. Creative work needs to be seen in the context of when it was written as well as the time it was written about. Should we remove slavery from Gone with the Wind or short people from Gulliver's Travels and Snow White? Does Mr. McGregor threatening to put Peter Rabbit in a pie upset the Vegans? In Jack and The Beanstalk, "Fee, fye, foo, fum I smell the aftershave on an Englishman" just does not cut if for me. I know… let's remake Guess who's coming to Dinner… yup, with a Transgender.

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You are paid too much

Why...

Have I gone all ‘Jeremy Corbin’ and ‘Bernie Sanders’ on pay? If you set up your own business, gambled everything, worked long hours and against all odds made a success, you deserve every penny; so long as you also appreciate those that helped you. Show me a self made gazillionaire and the quality of his character is not the amount of money he made himself, but the others he made rich along the way. What use he has put surplus cash to is also a good yardstick. Yes, a jet if you must, but not with solid gold loos. But endless spending on self self self shows a deeply insecure narcissist (I am referring to some Rap Artists, Reality Stars, Actors Actresses and the late Leonora Helmsley). CNN and WTBS founder Ted Turner maybe one of the largest landowners in the US and it’s most charismatic entrepreneur, but he gave US $ 1 billion to the UN. I cannot speak for Bill Gate’s business methods but he has at least put his proceeds of Microsoft to good use. What I am finding hard to swallow is the salaries for CEO’s and CFO’s for publicly quoted companies that run into tens of millions a year, even when failing to hit targets and with collapsing share prices. I am a filthy money loving scumbag and admit I like many fine and expensive things. If I have a successful year great. If not, gritted teeth. But had I still been in the corporate world working for an established company, is there not a salary level when you are just taking the piss? Although I expect a CEO to be compensated and also get a bonus tied to performance... surely there is a limit? Take David M. Zaslav - CEO Discovery Inc. Total compensation in 2018, $129.49 million. That seems a bit excessive or the two CEO’s at Oracle at around $108m with stock options. In fact Fortune and Forbes magazines reported recently that some of the highest paid CEO’s were running some of the poorest performing companies. How about Kent Thiry of dialysis chain Davila getting $32m with a negative return of 29% or Art Pack at Gap getting $20.8m when during his four years they had a negative return of 21%. What the hell are the remuneration and compensation committees doing... oh yes. Of course. They are mostly made up of equally overpaid overbearing overlords. I don’t wish to come across as Mary Poppins but this kind of remuneration in a public company comes across as just vulgar!

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Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Why...

I saw this the other day and wanted to share it. Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2020, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the West great. Not to imply that any Western country is necessarily greater than any other country. And without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

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The Grand old Duke of York

Why...

Does arrogance always trump common sense? I rarely write about “moments du jour”, that is what editorial in journals and newspapers are for but... I have never watched anything so toe-curlingly embarrassingly thermonuclear-awful as Prince Andrew’s performance on his recent interview with the BBC. Forget about when Pat Nixon (wife of President Nixon and accused of taking bribes) cried on TV that she never had a fur coat, only a good Republican tweed one, or Jimmy Swaggart blubbing from the pulpit begging forgiveness and swearing he is off hookers and cocaine for life...until the following week. It made Sarah Palin’s comment that she knows about Russia coz she can see it from Alaska look positively electrifyingly brilliant. Prince Andrew’s performance was a televisual feast of what not to do. No sympathy for victims, laughable excuses for staying in Epstein’s house for five days, just to tell him their friendship is over, that our hero can’t sweat from a condition from being shot at in the Falklands War, he never noticed girls running about any of Epstein’s houses because he never notices staff. The problem is he is just so honourable! Andrew has managed to take what was a bubbling under story into being front page news for five days worldwide. 6% of viewers believed him! He has lost a ton of sponsors to his charities, asked to not be Patron anymore to others and as I write agreed to step back from Public Life for the time being. Furthermore, he has pushed the FBI closer to feeling his collar, all because his self belief rode roughshod over other people’s advice. His actual defence is his arrogance and self belief mixed with a confidence he can wing an interview against a real pro. Prince Andrew is his own perfect storm. An IQ rating the same number as his shoe size but thinks he is the smartest man in the room All the on screen charm of a traffic warden with halitosis and as pompous as a Maitre D in an overpriced restaurant Non-existent sympathy for Epstein’s real victims. Indeed he is trying to make himself the victim! I suspect when Prince Charles eventually takes over, a ten year posting to Tristan de Cunha (a remote British atoll in the South Atlantic) will be next on Andrew’s CV.

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Where there’s a will, there’s a... relative

November 8, 2019
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Politics Sex Uncategorised
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Why...

Did God invent money? To keep you in touch with your children.

It’s a sad truth that money trumps politics, religion or sexual orientation as the biggest buster-upper of families.

Here I stick my hand up and admit in my own family if mention is made of wills and inheritance it’s like nails down a blackboard.

Before we get personal, let me start with the tax logic... or utter lack of it. If you’ve had your nose to the grindstone, worked hard and paid your taxes, why do you get taxed again gifting it to whomever you please. Now I know in the UK there is a daft provision that if you live for seven years after the bequeath then what you bequeath is tax free. But why? What cockamamie logic is that?

When you are on the last lap of the race of life and you need money to look after yourself and lessen the burden to others... sorry, you must give it all away to lessen the inheritance tax bill. Either you live in poverty in your last years or rely on those you gave your money too will look after you. Either has the potential for disaster.

Next. The taxman's beady little eyes are more shortsighted than a mole. They value an Estate at time of death, not at the grant of probate. Mad. Let me give a simple example. Let’s say you sadly popped your clogs before the crash of 2007 when stocks were high but your wife who achieves probate afterwards when stocks were often more than halved; she would find there was very little left after the taxman had his Jaws like bite.

Then there is probate itself. Legal constipation at its finest. Even simple probate takes a year and more complex ones taking up to five times that.

Once you have got through all this... the legal challenge. A minefield and the explosive device upon which many a family have trodden and blown themselves to smithereens.

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How you treat your servants will predict how long you will live

Why...

Do we treat those who help us with such disdain? History tells us what happens. All empires fade away... usually about the time the home help gets pissed off. Take Ancient Rome. There are only so many orgies you can clean up after, a limited number of vomitorium’s you can sluice out, before even a slave decides “screw this for a game of coco, I’ve had enough”. Their debauched and jowly bosses were so far removed from the granite hard soldiers who founded Rome that sure enough, before you could say Barbarians at the gate... it all came tumbling down. And not one slave or servant shed a tear. It is in fact a little scary to note that the sudden rise in the transgender ‘population’ almost exactly coincided with the collapse of Rome, but that will be another blog.

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If you are going to sing the National Anthem at an event, the faster the better

Why...

Do people insist on singing National Anthems at major events at full vibrato and wringing out every note for eternity? I understand the recently deceased Aretha Franklin set the bar in the USA at a staggering 4 minutes 55 seconds at a football game on Thanksgiving 2016. That’s longer than it took a surgeon in the 1550’s in Malta to whip out a kidney stone AND amputate a leg! The normal time for the US ditty is one minute 40 seconds. I mean, I’m all for putting your hand over your heart and showing some national pride but 5 minutes before you get to ‘From sea to shining sea…’!? In winter?

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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you

Why...

Are we surprised at the contempt in which politicians hold the voter? There was a comment the other day on the radio from a frustrated Brit who mewed: “If my vote really meant anything they would take it away.” The honest answer is, no need... it’s simply ignored.

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Say what you like about Trump... at least he understands deals need to close

Why...

Has the great European jaw-jaw resulted in a draw-draw? When the history of Brexit is eventually written, no matter on which side of the great divide you stand, the sheer lack of understanding by politicians as to what a clock is, will stand as a supreme lesson. I cannot think of a peace treaty let alone a deal negotiation which has taken two years... and that does not look like it’s long enough! At the time of writing this blog, it seems like the negotiation is going into extra time to prevent everyone throwing their toys out of the pram. Yet, so far this chit-chat (note: with our friends and allies) has cost the British taxpayer on expenses, travel and outside consultation fees around £600m. Nearly a billion dollars and it’s got nowhere. That is in itself such a monumental achievement I have to pinch myself whilst re-reading my own text. To paraphrase dear Winston, “Never in the field of human negotiation has so much time been wasted at so much cost by so few to the utter bewilderment of so many...” Like him or not I suspect the UK might have saved a fortune by asking perma-tanned occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to thrash out a deal for a fee of say £100m, with a £100m bonus if he could wrap it all up in the time it takes the English cricket team to play a test series. Sadly, La Donald had just got another job when this all started so we might have needed another slippery deal maker. Anyone know what happened to the other Donald, Don King?

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I am sorry, if you want to be in a ‘cowboy outfit’, please come dressed as an incompetent and dishonest plumber

Why...

Can’t I dress up without a dressing down? I understand the Student Union in Edinburgh have come out with a long list of what is no longer acceptable to wear at fancy dress. Students have been warned that costumes “based on racial or cultural stereotypes” are banned including those portraying Native Americans, Arabs, Nazis, a woman in a Burka, Buddha, a Mullah or a Catholic Priest, (although for some strange reason a nun is OK). They have now added the ‘Cowboy Outfit’! Whoever is President of the Student Union needs to donate his or her body to medical research so we can try and find out how God managed to remove the humour chromosome. This is the thinking that got rid of Kleenex Man Size tissues and will no doubt tell us ‘the time of the month’ is now when females wo-menstruate. Students are meant to be stroppy, rowdy and obsessed with big hopeless causes; saving the polar bear, stopping melting ice caps, ending world poverty or getting Simon Cowell to quit Botox and white T-shirts. They tilt like Don Quixote at these windmills of impossible dreams until the real post graduate world bites. Your bolshy economics student grows up when he has to go spend their cash on white goods (washing machine, fridge, freezer) rather than a few tabs of E. But fancy dress! Is that a needy focus of undergraduate ire?

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All posts in category: Politics

Attention impoverished authors, here is a surefire bestseller with forever royalties

Why...

“Liar Liar Pants on Fire”

Why...

Beelzebub is extremely grateful to TV’s commissioning editors

Why...

It’s not over till the fat lady sings

Why...

Vital academic study shows The Hulk has piles

Why...

“I would rather cry in my Rolls-Royce than laugh on a bicycle” - Patrizia Reggiani, the notoriously greedy wife to Maurizio Gucci… whom she murdered. I agree

Why...

“Before you pay your bill just some security questions” is the stupidest statement I have ever heard

Why...

Lost & Found… but we keep it anyway

Why...

Tokyo Olympics... wanna bet?

Why...

Maltese Termites are fed up with lockdown

Why...

Next up Jane Bond or In-Diana Jones...

Why...

You are paid too much

Why...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Why...

The Grand old Duke of York

Why...

Where there’s a will, there’s a... relative

Why...

How you treat your servants will predict how long you will live

Why...

If you are going to sing the National Anthem at an event, the faster the better

Why...

When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you

Why...

Say what you like about Trump... at least he understands deals need to close

Why...

I am sorry, if you want to be in a ‘cowboy outfit’, please come dressed as an incompetent and dishonest plumber

Why...