Maltese Termites are fed up with lockdown


Did these wood-chomping insects decide to come out of hiding last week and treat my home as a smorgasbord? Recently I awoke to the sound of my wife cursing and yelling. As I was still in bed I wracked my brain if I had said or done anything offensive the night before. We had hosted a fairly drunken dinner party during which all I could recall was the dogs farted and the charming lady next to me hoovering up food and drink with abandon. Being brave I got up and went to where the wailing and gnashing of teeth came from. My wife was gesticulating at a wall that seemed to be crisscrossed with curved lines of what looked like pepper. She was frantically pulling picture frames off the wall. “They have eaten my ‘I will not talk during class’.”Sure enough a picture frame that housed the final page signed by her father of a punishment of several hundred lines handed out in 2nd grade, now looked like it was made from Swiss cheese. It was full of holes. In fact the entire back of the wooden frame had proved to be a canapé before the main course of this highly prized family heirloom. This troop of munchers seemingly overnight had devoured several picture frames and half a door frame. A feat of gluttony that was pretty impressive. “Honestly, will you look at that. These things are no respecter of Covid lockdown.....” This time I had to move quickly to avoid a slap.

...and another thing

After my wife had the house fumigated, we discovered from the exterminator  that the warm autumn we are basking in here has brought out a cornucopia of little friends. Mice, rats, cockroaches, fleas, Jehovah’s Witnesses and other pests have all decided to come out to annoy us.

I suppose you could look at it as some company for those locked in quarantine but to be honest I get very twitchy if I see a mouse scurry across the floor. For a man who is happy to swim with tiger sharks or deal with two legged sharks known as actor’s agents, I cannot explain why little Jerry from Tom and Jerry fills me with terror. But they do…

...and another thing

Talking of sharks and things full of holes reminds me of a Minister here in Malta who spectacularly shot himself in the foot this week. David Attenborough gave young Prince George a fossilised Megaladon shark tooth that he found in Malta. Impressive as these prehistoric fangs are, they are far from rare. I have several. They have been on sale here at various markets for years. But no, this one was clearly extremely special as the Minister demanded this particular birthday gift tooth be wrenched from the young Prince’s hands and returned as the Maltese equivalent of the Elgin marbles to be put on display. Attenborough, (probably the most well loved man on earth) was a relic stealer of monumental proportions.

You see, all sorts of irritating bugs are coming out this time of year.

Keep safe.

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One Comment

  1. Jeff Lange says:

    The ‘Jehovah’s Witnesses and other pests’ comment made me laugh out loud…….thanks!

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