All posts in category: Kids/Family/Relations

Why a spring break is like a Pringle

May 29, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Friends Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

During two years of lockdown and feeling like Papillon on Devil’s Island, locked in and no way out, my wife and I took the sports car to Sicily then on to Calabria and Puglia in the boot of Italy. The problem was we did not want to come home. After being cooped up in Malta, an island so small you could carpet it in an afternoon, the sense of freedom was overwhelming. And just like a single Pringle, a short break is not nearly enough. Had we not had two pooches waiting for us, we would be in Croatia by now on the way to Istanbul!

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Things I want to buy Duty Free

March 27, 2022
Finance/Law Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

Are we so desperate to buy Duty Free? The truth is duty free is daft. I mean who said… “I know. Let’s fill all departing aircraft with more weight to burn more fuel. In addition, let’s fill the passenger compartment with a bunch of combustibles; booze, perfume, tobacco and raffia or plastic tat.” The truth is airports don’t give a fig about passengers so long as they can claw money off you in the two hours they hold you captive. The logical thing to do of course is to buy items to be collected when you land, thus avoiding transport cost and safety issues. That means all the crap you buy at the airport for friends and relatives because you forgot to buy on holiday will fall by the wayside. And no more local hootch that most of the time is used as paint thinner anyway. If you are desperate to buy a diamond encrusted watch or unobtainium rings because they are massively cheaper than at home, then search them out and buy them when you land. Makes the custom clearance queues shorter for the rest of us.

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A musical instrument is a friend for life

March 13, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Kids/Family/Relations Technology
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Why...

Do parents inflict on their children the misery of learning an instrument?

Well of course the answer to the above is probably one upmanship and ignorance.

“My Johnnie is learning the recorder…”

“Ah yes, the sweet little simpleton’s flute. Miranda found that soooooo easy she is now playing the oboe…”

All this lasts as long as the parent can stand the noise. No sane person would ever inflict on themselves, a child practicing the violin. Strangling a cat produces melodic bliss in comparison.

Then of course you get trendy parents who allow kids something a bit more useful and contemporary like drums or electric guitar. That is just masochistic. An electric guitar wails, and it’s the listener who ‘gently weeps’.

Drum solos are like nails down a blackboard even at a rock concert, but performed for hours on end, it is likely to end in mass murder. In addition, unlike a pair of maracas which your child can carry anywhere, you need a lorry to lug a drum kit about and a fork lift truck to load the stuff into the lorry. And then what? If your beloved keeps it up, he or she will spend all their teenage years doing no work but instead auditioning for bands convinced they are the next Nirvana.

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Love me, love my dog

January 30, 2022
Animals/Pets Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life Sex
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Why...

When you come to my house do I suggest you don’t criticise my dogs as I won’t judge your children (at least not out loud).

Now I completely accept some people don’t like dogs... in the same way I accept that some people believe Elvis Presley is alive, well and riding Shergar across Area 51.

The thing about dogs is their love is unconditional. Even Hitler’s pet Alsatian Blondi no doubt thought Adolf a loveable chap who fed him scraps and gave him a splendid kennel complete with a swastika weathervane. That pooch was always pleased to see Mein Fuhrer, even after a hard day’s genocide.

In fact dogs are the ultimate sycophants. They laugh at your jokes, look at you admiringly, even perform tricks on demand... of course in return they expect to get food and shelter.

Dogs have indeed come a long way from their wolf forebears and many are more metrosexual with clipped nails and smart coats than flea infested hunters of old. In fact were man to become extinct in a haze of radioactive mushroom clouds, I’m afraid man’s best friend would follow pretty shortly afterwards.

The idea that Pepe the Chihuahua would survive in a post apocalypse world is farcical unless the radiation allows him to develop thumbs to open any tins of Kanga Chunks that he might uncover in the ruins of the post atomic blast.

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Buzz Aldrin is why I drink and my sex mad Uncle is why I cook

Why...

Are there such tenuous connections in life that lead to extraordinary outcomes?

When I was first employed at Lloyd’s of London for Kidnap and Ransom insurance it was during the heady days of the four martini lunch…followed by a discreet snooze in the afternoon. Then after Big Bang, it was all red braces and Porsches, and the only thing to put in your body was hair gel. As Gecko said, lunch was for wimps. Step forward a wimp.

There was a discreet upmarket cocktail bar and restaurant called the Victory Rooms in the City. So Old School you expected to meet Tom Browne, Mr Chips and Jean Brodie, in her prime.

Now I believe it’s a gym for your lunch break. In my day at lunch time it was manned by the super famous Savoy American Bar cocktail waiter, Joe Gilmore. My first day whilst sitting at the bar trying to work out what to order, I noticed a tiny framed a picture of Apollo 11 resting on the USS Hornet, the recovery vessel after that historic flight.

“Why is that there,” I asked.

Joe beamed and brought it over. I could now see the signatures of Michael Collins, Neil Armstrong, and Buzz Aldrin. ‘Thanks. Would never have got through it without you’ it read.

When the three astronauts were asked what they would like to keep

them occupied for the two weeks they were locked in quarantine, Collins and Armstrong asked for various books and music. Buzz said, ‘“Fuck that. If I am going to be locked up I want to be blissful. Get Joe from the Savoy to keep us smashed”.

Joe poured me a combination of grapefruit, orange liqueur, and a hint of rosewater, topped with Champagne. “It’s called a Moonwalker,” Joe explained. It was heaven in a glass. I owe Buzz Aldrin my love of cocktails.

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Whatever happened to the three martini lunch?

September 26, 2021
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations
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Why...

Have we let naked ambition put cordial working relationships on a strict diet? Of course I blame purple braces, red Porsches and Gordon Gekko. The first casualty from Big Bang in the 1980’s was the three martini lunch. If lunch was for wimps, then count me in (if that’s no too much trouble)! I remember my early days in the City working in Lloyd’s Insurance market on Kidnap and Ransom insurance. Twice a year I would have lunch in the Directors boardroom at Fenchurch Street Brokers with an underwriter who got deeply offended if after cocktails then wine, we did not finish off a bottle of port. Of course we were fried as owls and no work was done that afternoon, but we never had a row, always got our man back if someone was kidnapped and the world shone brightly through the gimlet of the bi-annual assault on our livers. Could this Underwriter have been a touch richer, more ruthless and generate more moohlah for his company? Possibly? But then I probably would not have wanted to spend time with him or give him my business. In 1980 everything suddenly got serious. Fun was out as the new slave drivers assured us no one could possibly get rich being a bit silly. I suppose that’s one reason why shortly after Big Bang I left the City and ended up working for a man who had made millions sticking his hand up a Frog’s bottom. Jim Henson and The Muppets were back then an Entertainment behemoth... and not that we ever overindulged in anything to the detriment of that wonderful company, but indulge we all did. And it all (like Kermit) went along swimmingly. Chalk one up to the silly people.

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Your grobulator is not in sync with your doo-hickey

July 11, 2021
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Technology Uncategorised Work
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Why...

Do I have to listen to drivel? Jargon is really a verbal hedge professionals hide behind... waiting to jump out and financially mug you. The truth is most businesses are not that complex, but to make everyone think someone has an IQ the size of a planet, people make up complex words (acronyms if in the Army) that no one understands. Never let a simple word stand in the way of a complex one, especially if as a lawyer you can charge £500 an hour to explain it.

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Cycle lanes … they worry me

June 27, 2021
Fasion Health & Beauty Friends Kids/Family/Relations
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Why...

Does anyone think reducing the width of a road increases mobility?

Recently in Malta, many of our main arteries are being choked with cycle lanes cutting into the roads in the name of increasing mobility and reducing pollution.

To be honest, whilst I sort of understand the logic, it is a million miles away from reality. Let’s start with heart attacks. Who is really going to cycle between the months of July and September up and down our hilly rock where heat and humidity would test a Tour de France cyclist? And these are the months the traffic is at it’s height due to tourists.

If these cycle lanes cut into and reduce the pavement width I would be prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt as people promenading during these months along artery roads is rarer than a smile at passport control. But with each car in summer shuffling usually four tourists about in a mini car not much longer than a bicycle but going four times quicker, can it really help movement of traffic by narrowing the lanes? Lorries and buses are now perpetually driving like threading a needle adding to jams and pollution as everyone now grinds to a halt to let them squeeze around corners or roundabouts.

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Whatever time I wake up, I always feel everyone else should be awake

June 7, 2021
Fasion Health & Beauty Friends Kids/Family/Relations Sex Technology
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Why...

Do Hospitals insist on waking patients up at 0:Dark Thirty?

Recently, due to a prolonged hospital stay where I was actually woken up each morning at 05:00, I now luxuriate in home visits from a nurse every morning at 07:00. So, my wife and I have been getting up at a time which in my younger nightclubbing days I would have just about been going to bed.

Before you all send me messages about how much earlier you get up, that is not the point. For me, I usually wake around 08:30 and down a heart-starting double macchiato by 09:00. Remember the commute to my office is a flight of stairs. So, for me I expect all my friends in the same time zone to be bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to talk within an hour and a half of my waking up, i.e 10:00.

Right now though,10:00 seems an eternity away from when I greet the dawn. 3 1/2 hours for European time and 4 1/2 for UK. I mean there is only so much shit, shower and shave, breakfast news, morning papers and Facebook abuse a man can take. I need human contact outside of my beloved wife!

I start to wonder who will equally be up early because of kids or gym. At least I can call friends in LA when I get up. It’s early evening for them.

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As lockdown is over we wondered if we could come visit and have a dip in your pool?

April 18, 2021
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Technology Travel/Nature
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Why...

Do I suspect our home is about to be invaded by numbers that make the Mongol hordes look like a tea party?

Over the next four months my wife and I are bracing ourselves not only for requests to visit from dear and close friends, but everyone I have ever met; from the STD doctor I once spilt coffee over and gave my gentleman’s sausage third degree burns, to a Fulham traffic warden who gave me so many tickets he knew my name. He’d even stop me in the street to tell me he’d just given me another ticket or worse what he called a curbie grip (clamp).

The pent up desire from people in Northern climes to ‘come and unwind’ for a few days now they are released from Covid’s lockdown embrace, could eventually transform me from a gracious host into Basil Fawlty.

As some readers know, the problem is people think because you live by the sea in a warm environment that you are de facto permanently on holiday. No, it’s home! I work from here! It’s like assuming because you choose to live in Des Moines you are as bland as sliced bread... well actually that’s true, bad example... but you know what I mean. No matter where you live, in a Palace in Pacific Palisades to a bivouac in Hackensack. It’s home. Not a holiday.

Some people are shocked when you cannot drive them to see the worlds largest bunion (or whatever your locale has made famous) or that the fridge is getting low on beer.

“Yeah the red burns on my arm are not caused by the sun but permanently working on the bar-b-q”, I add dryly to a enquiry as to my health.

Please note... actually it’s barbe a queue, literally beard to tail when you spit roast a chicken or even a pig on an open fire. So now we not only have to thank the French for their Letters (think about it, it’s a subtle joke) but also allowing Australians to think they can cook.

I digress...

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2021 Summer Holidays... Club 18-30 will be empty. It’s going to be all oldies

March 7, 2021
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

Will all the nightclubs this summer be full of Old Age Pensioners?

Amid all this rushing to get anyone in touching distance of being old injected against Covid, we will have left the younger generation alone.

“They’re not at risk. They can wait.”

Maybe...

I have to assume that this summer no one is going to be able to venture overseas without proof of inoculation. Come forward most people over 55. What about the sex mad twenty somethings, a significant percentage of whom enjoy rumpy-pumpy 24 hours after landing on foreign shores! They are going nowhere. No inoculation, no overseas travel.

An entire generation will sit at home watching their parents and grandparents all dressed up in sombreros and sandals, off to the Continent to drown in Sangria, Mai Tai’s and Ambre Solaire.

On the Costa del Sol a backpacker is going to be as rare as a redneck with a full set off teeth. The whole vibe of this summer in Europe will change.

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Do I get loyalty points if I have to quarantine for two weeks in a hotel?

February 7, 2021
Fasion Health & Beauty Kids/Family/Relations Sex Sport Work
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Why...

Not get some benefit from being locked in a gilded cage for a fortnight?

Now I understand many of you might think two weeks in quarantine in a Premier Inn in Wigan might just be a first world complaint. However, that will only be from people who have never experienced a wet Wednesday in Wigan in February. For those who have, it’s the closet thing to purgatory outside of having to watch endless repeats of the Wheel of Fortune with someone who constantly shouts out the wrong answers.

It troubles me that you can tip out of your first class seat at Heathrow and end up locked in some orange and beige nightmare in Brentford for two weeks instead of your normal sojourn at The Ritz. I hear the allocation of the actual quarantine hotel is luck of the draw. That clearly can not be true. There must be a fiddle somewhere. I just don’t believe you might end up in a magnificent palace with a suite large enough to have a croquet tournament or a hutch so small a mouse with a hard on could not turn around. Does anyone have the skinny on how to get a decent allocation?

And what do you do for two weeks? Do you end up tapping morse code on the walls with your jailed neighbour? Maybe fling open the curtains and scream out the window like Peter Finch in Network, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore.” Or would that mean the boys in blue come around and lock you in an even tinier cell instead?

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Not only is diet a four letter word, but Darwin was a lying bast*rd

January 17, 2021
Animals/Pets Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Sex
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Why...

Do foods I like to eat mean I have to diet? My wife has read me the riot act after indulging in too much Christmas pudding and Port. This is where I have a disagreement with Charles Darwin whilst floating around the Pacific in HMS Beagle. He had his Eureka! moment looking at finches in the Galapagos and noticing different beaks for different foods on different islands. “Aha,” he cried. “We evolve with our surroundings; especially with regards to eating specific foods.” If, as a species, our diet evolves with our surroundings, surely the fact that I prefer the taste of a Jelly Baby to that of a raw carrot means my body, via evolution, adapts to the candy? But no. My body apparently directly challenges my taste buds. “Jelly baby, No. Carrot, Yes.” On the other hand if my eating habits were purely hereditary rather than evolutionary surely I would be turning up my nose at a fillet steak or coq au vin whilst longing for a Tyrannosaurus Rex cutlet or Mammoth Osso Buco ? I prefer to think that evolution will catch up. Mac and cheese followed by peach cobbler and ice cream will hopefully do me or at least future generations, far more good than artichoke hearts and a tofu sausage. Mother Nature implants desire into us for our own good. Humans are sex mad to keep up procreation. Therefore, there must be a method behind me salivating at the smell of frying bacon or going weak at the knees at the sight of a chocolate eclair!

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Attention dog toy manufacturers! May I introduce your product development team for 2021

January 10, 2021
Animals/Pets Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations
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Why...

Do ALL dog toys turn into confetti? Fifty years ago we put a man on the moon. In 2004 Greece won the European Football Cup. In 2020 mankind developed a vaccine for an unknown virus in under twelve months. We can do anything... except produce a dog chew that can last longer than the first time a teenage boy has sex. This Christmas some very dear friends sent a Fortnum and Mason hamper to our French Bulldogs Clouseau and Mowgli. They were super impressed. I was green with envy. Inside was an assortment of treats, toys and tucker that should have been enough to keep a pack of Transylvanian werewolves happy for a month. Let’s discuss the toys. The first ‘indestructible’ toy was a floppy rope knotted reindeer from Kong, the leader in indestructible chews. It was shredded in under a minute. The second, an eye wateringly expensive green and red Christmas cushion lasted as long as my first coffee. Next the Fuzzu Donald Trump doll soon had white kapok coming out of his head. It looked like steam from anger, no doubt following the Senate vote in Georgia. Finally there was a tough suede ball made from the same leather as desert boots. I actually heard Mowgli burp as he devoured it. He then looked up at me. “Next time mate, it needs more salt.”

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2021... about bloody time!

December 29, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Friends Kids/Family/Relations Uncategorised
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Why...

I shall stay up till midnight this New Year’s Eve?

Like guests who have overstayed their welcome and I shed crocodile tears as I wave a relieved good bye, I shall bid an un-fond farewell to 2020. Indeed, I shall stay up to make sure we do go into January 1st 2021 rather than have Groundhog Day and get stuck on 31 December 2020.

There is no need to dwell on the all the obvious reasons of why I shall be ecstatic to say Adieu to 2020; US elections, riots, Brexit and COVID.

Here are a few less known things that have expired and I am saying goodbye to in 2021.

My Tabasco sauce of five years,

My Lea & Perrins of ten years ago and

Any Twinkie cakes buried in the cupboard and bought when my Kindergarten teacher was born must also now go the the giant dustbin in the sky.

I know that within a month of every electrical guarantee expiring, the gadgets will all go phut... unless I paid money for an extension on the guarantee. The equipment will duly give up the ghost the next day after expiry of the longer warranty.

Unbelievably, beer only lasts four months from bottling. Whoever has kept beer that long anyway?

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Bruce Springsteen was right... ???? 57 Channels and nothing on????

December 20, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations Technology
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Why...

Can’t I find something to watch? The most common question I get nowadays is not about COVID measures, UK versus EU or how Donald Trump combs his hair. It is... “Have you seen a good series recently?” There are two things we all have in common during lockdown. One is continually opening the fridge and expecting to see different content despite not having been to the shops to feed it. The other is binge watching TV series, despite earlier stated noble ideas of learning via the Internet fluent Swahili or being able to perform open heart surgery armed only with a Swiss Army knife. This is where Springsteen was prophetic in his song from 1992. You would think with more drama being produced than ever before this would be easy. There is no doubt that the best of television now is the best ever created. The most talented writers, stars and directors are forming orderly queues outside the offices of Netflix, Hulu, Showtime, HBO and Amazon Prime. Unlike us at the cinema. However, I have a problem. Everyone wants to create a Fargo, The Bridge, Breaking Bad or other cutting edge shows. Sadly many fall as flat as one of my soufflés. Can we not have a sprinkling of less edgy but more accessible shows? Not every lead has to be damaged, not every scene shot at night or every plot about the evils of drugs, dysfunctional families, child abuse, serial killers or big Pharma. (PS this last group along with another baddie, single use plastic, have just saved our asses so back off a bit maybe?) I am not asking for wall to wall Murder She Wrote or Midsomer Murders. I have sleeping pills that have the same effect. However, there are numerous thrillers, drama stories and even comedy books out there that are a little more mainstream and would make great TV. Or do I need to be put down as I am obviously getting old and crinkly?

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Christmas farmers must raise tiny turkeys

Why...

As I turn my focus from the actual size of my stomach to what I intend to put in it over Christmas, have I already goofed. In October I made a Christmas cake the size of the heel stone at Stonehenge and Christmas pudding so heavy that when it is engulfed in flaming brandy I will need a crane to bring it to the table. Same for the turkey. Ever since my wife introduced me to the Southern US joy of deep frying an 8lb turkey in under an hour, a big bird presents no problem. So I ordered a 12lb one this year as we expected a dozen for lunch and a house full of guests. Oops! So far Christmas lunch is for four with overseas family unable to take flights to visit us and others here in Malta locked up in lockdown. We cannot even invite strangers as they would be considered outside our bubble! If I was a Supermarket, I would get rid of large boxes of mince pies by selling them individually. Special offer would be ‘Xmas style tiny turkeys’ (chickens) for four people, walnuts in packs of six and Stilton slices. The only large family gatherings are going to be around a Zoom screen rather than a Christmas tree or dinner table.

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Thanksgiving, the boring day before Black Friday ...Christmas Day? Thats just blah blah before the Boxing Day sales!

Why...

Has a public holiday become simply just the day before a sale? Putting aside any religious connotation, it's a wondrous idea that all nations have certain days during the year that are set aside to unwind with friends and family. However I challenge anyone to give me an example when a national holiday nowadays is not followed by a sale. OK maybe not April 15th in North Korea which is Day of the Sun (Birthday of Kim Il Sung)....I dunno' though?....I could be wrong. Maybe you can get a deal on a nice set of finger nail extractors....I mean nail clippers....at ten potatoes off list price. (You never know who is reading this stuff. Ask a Sony)! Whilst Labor Day or Memorial Day are not inextricably linked to buying, Christmas is. Spending the whole month of December wracking my brains at what to buy Auntie Incontinent or Uncle Halitosis (or more likely did I give them the same thing last year) do I really want the day after giving and receiving all this detritus to put my brain into buy mode again? A cracking good example as to how easily we lap up special days to spend money on was my blog about card companies making up superfluous celebration days http://andanotherthin.wpengine.com/beware-card-shark/#andanotherthing.

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Find me someone who can undo a child lock and I’ll find you a Houdini in the making

November 22, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Technology
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Why...

Do I need the dexterity of a safe cracker to open a jar of vitamins? I am always amazed at Health and Safety’s belief in the stupidity of others. Of course dangerous things should be kept away from the vulnerable. And that includes some parents from kids. Why should responsibility and common sense be the albatross around Proctor and Gamble’s neck? I was at a dinner party recently and instead of after dinner games like Ibble Dibble or Are you there Moriarty?, we were presented with the challenge of trying to open a box of washing pods. Impossible. Perhaps colouring them like sweets is not super smart but you’d need a mouth like Julia Robert’s to actually eat one. A) just keep box away from kids, B) give them a huge telling off if they try to even reach for them and, C) explain they taste yuck. Give them a tablespoon of mustard if they don’t believe you. Tough lessons worked on every generation back to the dawn of civilisation. Whether it was... “Don’t kick a sleeping saber tooth tiger,” Or “Never wear a black conical hat and talk to your cat in front of the Inquisition,” up to Don’t lick the plug socket! It was pretty simple. If you did, the consequences were your own fault. Nowadays it’s never your fault, even if you are as thick as a whale omelette. Accidents are never caused by kids because no one told them not to... put the cat in the microwave to dry it, not to get stuck toast out of a live toaster with a fork or jump off the roof using a plastic bag as a parachute.

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This is not a full stop . It’s a lethal weapon

November 9, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Kids/Family/Relations Life
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Why...

Be woke? I understand the woke generation are now bleating that a full stop/period is offensive and could be taken as a sign of aggression. Therefore, it must no longer be used in punctuation. Aggression is when Hitler invaded Poland. Or hijacker Leila Khaled who was convicted as a terrorist took over a TWA jumbo jet in 1969. But recently she was invited to San Fransisco State University to address a forum on Gender Justice and Resistance. Did I miss reading about this exchange? “Right. We are taking over this plane. Men to the left aisle, women to the right. Those among you who are gender neutral, we will be letting you disembark.” I don’t think so.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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All posts in category: Kids/Family/Relations

Why a spring break is like a Pringle

Why...

Things I want to buy Duty Free

Why...

A musical instrument is a friend for life

Why...

Love me, love my dog

Why...

Buzz Aldrin is why I drink and my sex mad Uncle is why I cook

Why...

Whatever happened to the three martini lunch?

Why...

Your grobulator is not in sync with your doo-hickey

Why...

Cycle lanes … they worry me

Why...

Whatever time I wake up, I always feel everyone else should be awake

Why...

As lockdown is over we wondered if we could come visit and have a dip in your pool?

Why...

2021 Summer Holidays... Club 18-30 will be empty. It’s going to be all oldies

Why...

Do I get loyalty points if I have to quarantine for two weeks in a hotel?

Why...

Not only is diet a four letter word, but Darwin was a lying bast*rd

Why...

Attention dog toy manufacturers! May I introduce your product development team for 2021

Why...

2021... about bloody time!

Why...

Bruce Springsteen was right... ???? 57 Channels and nothing on????

Why...

Christmas farmers must raise tiny turkeys

Why...

Thanksgiving, the boring day before Black Friday ...Christmas Day? Thats just blah blah before the Boxing Day sales!

Why...

Find me someone who can undo a child lock and I’ll find you a Houdini in the making

Why...

This is not a full stop . It’s a lethal weapon

Why...