Moving house? I am going away!


Would any sane married couple go through moving together? Let alone reassembling everything in a new location. When we actually move, my wife has banished me in case she decides to strangle me.

I have already been through a clear out of possessions that has been a mixture of surprise and horror. Surprise at the things I thought I had lost forever, and horror that I had paid for them to follow me like the rats and the Pied Piper of Hamlin from the UK to my two previous homes here in Malta.

I am sure there was a point in my life when a belly button cleaner, singing fish, cassettes, CDs and DVDs seemed essential, but those days are gone. Much as it pains me to see I once paid £17.50 for a CD, they now need to go to the big juke box in the sky. And no, please don’t tell me I can make a fortune on sites like Magpie. Living here in Malta exporting or importing anything is absurdly expensive. We have probably filled a couple of charity shops with enough things to keep them busy for months. Some stuff I could not believe they sold within days! Who goes to a charity shop looking for bongo drums, but a pair we donated were snapped up faster than a lock of Elvis’ hair!

...and another thing

There have been moments of foot stamping as my wife questions if certain ‘artistic’ photos of old girlfriends or toy cars need to make the cut.

I have been brave. I have allowed car magazines, certain cook books and boxes of ‘just in case’ screws, bolts, wires, plugs and thingummies to go into the gloppata-gloppata machine.

One thing I cannot fault here is rubbish collection. We get three a week! Brilliant, though there are times when the empty bottles of white wine clank like the chains of Banquo’s ghost I feel a tad embarrassed.

...and another thing

My wife has entered the world of Facebook Marketplace. On the whole it’s been brilliant. Those items that genuinely have a value or not suitable for the charity shop have found their way here. There has been some wounded pride when the Facebook police removed a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes as fake. My wife was apoplectic as she had the receipts to show they were the real McCoy so reposted with receipts. No avail. Taken down again.

We have been lucky and actually met some wonderful people who have bought beds, antique furniture and even a dog stroller.

Conversely, we get inundated with fraudulent buyers who all say the same thing:

“Sorry. I want to buy xyz. I am out of the country but will get, son, nephew, niece, next door neighbour’s budgerigar, to pay and collect on my behalf.”

Of course they then turn around and say not as advertised/son was an idiot etc. cancel payment and refuse to return item. What is so comical is because it’s Facebook you can check up on those eager buyers who always seem to be travelling and invariably their Facebook page has about ten different faces.

Maybe the Facebook police should spend more attention to that than disbelieving the provenance of my wife’s footwear!

Stay safe.

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  1. Georgina Jackson Sytner says:

    And Another thing…..should be your latest book …a compilation of all the past ones.

    Your writing never ceases to make me laugh out loud!

    You are yet to be discovered as the amazingly brilliant writer you are …your observation on life and the re-telling is totally priceless.

    The world needs your hilarity!!

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