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All posts in category: Food & Drink

Hmmmm. A gorgeous hint of bullshit, with on-the-palate flavour of Edward Lear nonsense poems and a strong aftertaste of swallowing a quaalude and The Complete Oxford dictionary. Welcome to tasting notes on wine and spirits

  • May 8, 2022
  • Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Life
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Are descriptions of taste so pompous and indecipherable? I read recently that a wooden cask tub of Macallans Whisky, which was bought for £5,000 thirty years ago on a whim of I suspect some rich dipso, has just sold for over £1m! To justify this ludicrous bar bill, that works out at around £2,000 a bottle, the descriptions of the taste have reached epic proportions of nonsense. Can anyone really tell me what… “a yellow halo with a mesmerising nose with a scent of salted caramel drizzled chocolate brownie restrained with a background of fresh orange marmalade and neroli with a dying hint of tobacco leaf” really smells like? To me it stinks like an Oreo cookie covered in Robertson finest Golden Shred marmalade, sprinkled with fag ends.  And that’s just the smell. The rapturous pretentious waffle goes into overdrive when describing the taste; I dare you to read this and take it seriously. “On the palate waves of sweetness carries and mingles mature oak and library leather bound book dryness. This breaks into a regal spice mix of nutmeg ginger and ground coriander, over a wash of ginger perkin biscuits, soft buttery dates and freshly baked Danish apricot pastries.” (London The Times 27 April 2022)  A perkin biscuit? WTF is that? I mean, just  line up six whiskies and tell me which one they are referring to. “I say, Cedric, I think it might be this one though I not sure if the spice mix is regal enough and I think sweaty sock juice mingled with old leather football boots more apt than library books.” What makes my jaw hit the floor in admiration at the effusive nonsense is the ingredients of scotch are simply malted barley, water and yeast. And yet it reads here that someone tipped half the content of the unused drawer in the kitchen into the still used to ferment the whisky. The people who write this tripe I assume double as Real Estate novelists. The people who describe bathrooms as bijoux when you have to stand on the loo to shut the door.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

🎶 Here comes summer … or does it?

  • May 1, 2022
  • Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Technology
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Why...

Is the weather schizophrenic? Winter this year has behaved like the house guest who outstays his or her welcome. I have to admit that summer 2021 was hot enough to poach an egg in my underpants, therefore I was relieved for the respite of a winter chill. However, it’s now the beginning of May , yet Nanook of the North would have pulled on extra clothing over Easter here in Malta. Grey skies, a wind that could yank the eyebrows off your face and rain horizontal enough to win a limbo dance competition. Today the sun is shining but according to the forecast, it’s a deception worthy of David Copperfield (the magician, not the Dickens character). In a few days time, the temperature is set to drop low enough to make my pubic hair crackle; so the Ambre Solaire will go back in the cupboard and out will come my hot water bottle.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

My wife can’t shut the front door

  • April 17, 2022
  • Food & Drink Love Sex
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Why...

Can my wonderful wife not close the front door? In nearly everything she achieves levels of saintly patience with me that would justify beatification. However, she likes to play the hokey-cokey with the front door. She closes it. Thinks. Opens it. Goes into the house to drop something off, retrieve something or check if something is switched off, then closes it… and repeats. I have asked a few of my married friends and they all admit this particular square dance with the front door is more common than I thought. I assume most airline stewards/stewardesses are not married or they would never close the aircraft door.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

I never know what to put in each recycle bin

  • April 10, 2022
  • Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Life Technology
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Why...

Do I have so many types of garbage bins when I deeply suspect it all goes into one galopata galopata machine anyway? Don’t get me wrong, I am doing my best to save the planet, whether it means only cleaning my belly button with a Q-tip once a month, or recycling my dogs poop by tossing it over the wall onto my next door neighbours’ geraniums. But bins?  I have a battalion of these things standing to attention outside my door. The list is endless. Bins for bottles without screw top collar, sacks for those with them… and then subdivided between clear green and brown. 6 just for glass. Life is all receptacles for spectacles, crates for ash from grates, containers for retainers, hoppers for party poppers and repositories for suppositories. The subdivision for rubbish has gone mad. Surely what burns easily and is non synthetic like paper, real food, clothing and coffee grinds in one and synthetics like plastic, tin and any takeaway food in the other… and maybe one for glass.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Things I want to buy Duty Free

  • March 27, 2022
  • Finance/Law Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

Are we so desperate to buy Duty Free?  The truth is duty free is daft. I mean who said… “I know. Let’s fill all departing aircraft with more weight to burn more fuel. In addition, let’s fill the passenger compartment with a bunch of combustibles; booze, perfume, tobacco and raffia or plastic tat.” The truth is airports don’t give a fig about passengers so long as they can claw money off you in the two hours they hold you captive. The logical thing to do of course is to buy items to be collected when you land, thus avoiding transport cost and safety issues. That means all the crap you buy at the airport for friends and relatives because you forgot to buy on holiday will fall by the wayside. And no more local hootch that most of the time is used as paint thinner anyway. If you are desperate to buy a diamond encrusted watch or unobtainium rings because they are massively cheaper than at home, then search them out and buy them when you land. Makes the custom clearance queues shorter for the rest of us.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Orgies are overrated

  • March 20, 2022
  • Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Sex
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Why...

Ever since some Roman Oligarch came up with the idea of a vomitorium, have orgies have gone down hill? In this little cubicle there was a flowerpot full of feathers with which you could tickle the back of your throat, throw up then go back to eating and fornicating with an empty stomach so you could start eating again… but with breath that could strip wallpaper. I mean would you snog a puke smelling orgy participant, even if it was Bradus Pittus or Angelina Jolia? The orgies from the Ottoman’s must have been as exciting as watching paint dry. One bloke, the Sultan, and dozens of members of his harem. I suspect the whole shebang lasted five minutes with most of the girls just casual observers till the Grand Vizir, seeing his Lord and master already spent, called for a time out with a round of backgammon and some squares of Turkish delight. A male fantasy but in reality all over before all the ‘toys’ have been unwrapped.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

🎶 I’m busy busy busy doing nothing 🎶

  • February 27, 2022
  • Finance/Law Food & Drink Technology Work
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Why...

Am I exhausted?

The last year has seen a few upheavals and I now find myself with a bit more time on my hands.

 I am being horsewhipped into training five days a week, with my wife giving me the evil eye every time I even mention a carbohydrate.

“Get fit. More energy. More time to do things,” seems to be the mantra.

There is only one solution to get any relief. Find another challenge.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Before I agree to sign on for 2022 I want to read the small print

  • January 4, 2022
  • Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends
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Why...

It is good riddance to bad rubbish that was 2021. Everyone seems to have suffered. In my case, multiple surgeries, a law suit and a multi-coloured silk shirt my wife decided looked like a kaftan on me and nearly led to divorce!

I used to think ‘annus horribilis’ was a polite way of describing a bad case of piles. However, 2021 will take some beating as a pretty grim year and in fact a pretty grim decade. The only roaring of this Century 20’s is from frustrated revellers and travellers!

Much as I look forward to the sunny uplands of 2022, I can envision the lookalike of  Harry Potter character Dobby, a.k.a Putin taking a bite out of the Ukraine and depending on the West’s reaction, Panda Xi helping himself to a new form of Chinese takeaway, Taiwan.

Then we have a Winter Olympics in which all western dignitaries have stamped their diplomatic foot and refused to partake of Dimsum and a glass of Baijiu with the hosts. In addition, despite locking down anything that moves, COVID seems intent on derailing that spectacle.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

????Kwanza is coming, The non-force-fed goose is becoming plus size ????Please transfer a bitcoin into the yearly challenged person’s electronic hat

  • December 26, 2021
  • Food & Drink Travel/Nature
  • View all 0 Comments
Why...

Is the term Christmas offensive to some but if I suggested to my Muslim mates that they renamed Hadj or Jewish friends came up with a more inclusive term for Yom Kippur or Sikhs and Hindus festival of Diwali should be changed to ‘fancy dress day’, I would quite rightly be told to sod off.

I am confused as to what is wrong with cultural identity. It’s not offensive to others, just saying:

“Hi there, this is our excuse to let our hair down. Join in if you like, but these are the rules of the game!”

And to be honest a huge number do join in.People of all faiths pull crackers and put on silly hats on December 25th and I don’t hear many objecting to getting the day off.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Buzz Aldrin is why I drink and my sex mad Uncle is why I cook

  • December 12, 2021
  • Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Sex
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Why...

Are there such tenuous connections in life that lead to extraordinary outcomes?

When I was first employed at Lloyd’s of London for Kidnap and Ransom insurance it was during the heady days of the four martini lunch…followed by a discreet snooze in the afternoon. Then after Big Bang, it was all red braces and Porsches, and the only thing to put in your body was hair gel. As Gecko said, lunch was for wimps. Step forward a wimp.

There was a discreet upmarket cocktail bar and restaurant called the Victory Rooms in the City. So Old School you expected to meet Tom Browne, Mr Chips and Jean Brodie, in her prime.

Now I believe it’s a gym for your lunch break. In my day at lunch time it was manned by the super famous Savoy American Bar cocktail waiter, Joe Gilmore. My first day whilst sitting at the bar trying to work out what to order, I noticed a tiny framed a picture of Apollo 11 resting on the USS Hornet, the recovery vessel after that historic flight.

“Why is that there,” I asked.

Joe beamed and brought it over. I could now see the signatures of Michael Collins, Neil  Armstrong, and Buzz Aldrin. ‘Thanks. Would never have got through it without you’ it read.

When the three astronauts were asked what they would like to keep

them occupied for the two weeks they were locked in quarantine, Collins and Armstrong asked for various books and music. Buzz said, ‘“Fuck that. If I am going to be locked up I want to be blissful. Get Joe from the Savoy to keep us smashed”.

Joe poured me a  combination of grapefruit, orange liqueur, and a hint of rosewater, topped with Champagne. “It’s called a Moonwalker,” Joe explained. It was heaven in a glass. I owe Buzz Aldrin my love of cocktails.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Now it’s wind power that’s killing the planet

  • November 21, 2021
  • Food & Drink Technology Travel/Nature
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Why...

Is wind about to destroy life on earth?

At the recent COP 26 (have there really been 25 others) there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. I am by no means a climate denier but I am also a realist. Much as Greta and co would like, I am not reverting to eating mung beans nor limiting my travel to bicycle or Ox and cart.

In terms of transport, Genies once out of bottles are impossible to put back in. You have to replace them with a better one. Horses for steam train, steam train for car, car for plane… etc, etc.  So, if fossil fuel must pass, it will only be because we have something as good, if not better. To me that does not mean running around in cars fired by a battalion of AAA batteries. I am quite prepared to wager major sums of money on two things.

  • The internal combustion engine is extremely efficient with lowering  levels of pollution and will not disappear in the foreseeable future.
  • Battery cars are the Betamax of transport. The future is hydrogen.
  • Trains will doubtless move from polluting generated electricity to magnetised super trains and planes will get faster as our insatiable appetite to travel and save time continues to grow. I suspect jet technology will be around for at least another half century unless a real Scottie can be found with Star Trek’s dilithium crystals.

    In any event, blocking motorways or just shouting in a march resolves nothing. We need brainpower to solve our current problems, not the boos and hisses usually the preserve of pantomime audiences.

    So it’s really power stations, insulation and packaging that need the wake up call. Which brings us to wind. The kind cows emit.

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

    Stop. Open wide. Swallow. And be grateful

    • October 31, 2021
    • Food & Drink Technology
    • View all 0 Comments
    Why...

    Are some of my health pills the size of an ice hockey puck and more difficult to swallow than a politician’s promises?

    After my recent bout of infection following surgery, I was taking enough pills to sound like a maraca. This has now reduced to about twenty a day, a significant amount of which are health and supplement pills. Some are the size of an M&M, some covered in gel (I know Vegans hate gel) but a significant number are the size of a Buick and have no coating. Surely technology can get these down to a reasonable size… or it is just marketing. Make it look like you are getting something for your money!

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

    Whatever happened to the three martini lunch?

    • September 26, 2021
    • Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Friends Kids/Family/Relations
    • View all 3 Comments
    Why...

    Have we let naked ambition put cordial working relationships on a strict diet? Of course I blame purple braces, red Porsches and Gordon Gekko. The first casualty from Big Bang in the 1980’s was the three martini lunch. If lunch was for wimps, then count me in (if that’s no too much trouble)! I remember my early days in the City working in Lloyd’s Insurance market on Kidnap and Ransom insurance. Twice a year I would have lunch in the Directors boardroom at Fenchurch Street Brokers with an underwriter who got deeply offended if after cocktails then wine, we did not finish off a bottle of port. Of course we were fried as owls and no work was done that afternoon, but we never had a row, always got our man back if someone was kidnapped and the world shone brightly through the gimlet of the bi-annual assault on our livers. Could this Underwriter have been a touch richer, more ruthless and generate more moohlah for his company? Possibly? But then I probably would not have wanted to spend time with him or give him my business. In 1980 everything suddenly got serious. Fun was out as the new slave drivers assured us no one could possibly get rich being a bit silly. I suppose that’s one reason why shortly after Big Bang I left the City and ended up working for a man who had made millions sticking his hand up a Frog’s bottom. Jim Henson and The Muppets were back then an Entertainment behemoth... and not that we ever overindulged in anything to the detriment of that wonderful company, but indulge we all did. And it all (like Kermit) went along swimmingly. Chalk one up to the silly people.

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

    Be still my beating heart. No, I’m not lovestruck. I am about to get on a plane

    • August 29, 2021
    • Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Travel/Nature
    • View all 0 Comments
    Why...

    Am I so excited to get on a plane again?

    After a catalogue of medical oopsy-daisies and the dreaded Covid lurgy-lockdown, my wife and I board the big silver bird soon. For me, the first time in 20 months. Love Malta as I do, you can carpet it in an afternoon. I have increasingly felt like Dustin Hoffman or Steve McQueen in Papillon, waiting to jump off a cliff with a net bag full of coconut shells to drift away to somewhere new.

    I really don’t know what to expect at the departing or arriving airports. It appears things are totally random. When my wife flew to the USA earlier this month the words Covid or vaccination were never uttered in Washington DC, yet as she flew out of Frankfurt she was made to feel she should be hermetically sealed and vacuum packed. We have friends who have been grilled with more questions than a debrief of a defecting spy, while others drifted through without ever producing a vaccine certificate. As usual there is no consistency or joined up writing between what various health ministries decree and what happens on the ground

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

    If you are at home in summer it’s too damn hot. If on holiday it’s not hot enough

    • August 9, 2021
    • Food & Drink Technology Travel/Nature
    • View all 0 Comments
    Why...

    Do exactly the same events draw different reactions whether at home or on holiday?

    It is a given if you live in a country with a hot climate, that summer is a bit of a chore. No one who lives here in Malta would dream of going sunbathing in August, let alone spend all night in an unair-conditioned night club. Yet as soon as we break the island’s shackles and go abroad everything changes. We all lay out like coffee beans slowly going from red to brown under a scorching sun in Marbella or visit a sauna with music that is some Greek nightclub in Mikanos. There we bop the night away as we slowly melt like the Wicked Witch of the West, to scramble back to hotels as dawn is breaking only to be woken an hour later by bin lorries. 

    Despite paying through the nose we actually put up with a lot more on holiday than we do at home. That explains paying silly money for a plate of pasta at a beach side bistro or a kings ransom for a bottle of champagne in a nightclub; neither of which we would ever pay at home.

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

    I need a degree in physics to work in my kitchen

    • July 5, 2021
    • Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Technology
    • View all 0 Comments
    Why...

    Has my kitchen overtaken scuba diving or GoPro as the haven of gadgets…many of which are meant to save time and patently don’t?

    Let me start by contradicting myself in saying the oldest gadget I possess is a pressure cooker. This indeed is a miracle machine capable of making mashed potatoes in six minutes and Osso Buco in under an hour instead of five. However, recently just as slowly and surely as the pressure valve drops from maximum to minimum when you let it cool, my own love affair is no longer hot and steamy. It is dropping off. But it makes no sense.

    The blame for this is Sous vide cooking. Essentially sealing food in a vacuum packed plastic bag and plonking it into a bowl of water. What looks like a giant hand whisk standing in the bowl raises water to a very specific temperature and keeps it there. In theory you can never again overcook anything but you can cook something for three days to improve taste and tenderness. For me, it works. Especially on tough cuts of meat like brisket and tip, ribs or even Osso Buco. These can take between two to four days. But even a roast chicken at eight hours is fabulous.

    But now rather than half an hour before dinner wondering what to eat, I am pestering my wife at breakfast what she fancies for dinner the day after tomorrow. And there lies the rub. Hunger is a funny thing. You know what you want right now but never in a couple of days. Let alone when crossing meal times. Breakfast with Rice Krispies is never a moment to contemplate whether you want Coq au vin or spag bog!

    Like a Pavlovian dog, if someone mentions Chinese food just before I am due to eat, lights and switches go off inside me and not even pot of Beluga caviar followed by Wagyu beef in the Sous vide will deter me from some dim sum and Peking duck. Even if it’s crap!

    Same with pizza. I can be sitting there gently watching my four day Oxtail  become a thing of epicurean wonder and ready to serve but my wife only has to say. “You know I actually fancy pizza and “the best laid plans of Mice and Men…etc, etc, etc.”

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

    “I would rather cry in my Rolls-Royce than laugh on a bicycle” - Patrizia Reggiani, the notoriously greedy wife to Maurizio Gucci… whom she murdered. I agree

    • June 13, 2021
    • Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Politics Sex
    • View all 0 Comments
    Why...

    Whoever said the best things in life are free is an idiot. He or she probably believes stars are God’s daisy chain or that rain is just liquid sunshine.

    Before you all leap to fire emails at me like Exocet missiles, note the word things.

    Love, friendship, good health, a decent moral compass, humour, compassion etc… yes they are the building blocks of happiness… but not things.

    Things are what you can touch, be it jets, yachts, mansions, jewellery, caviar, Vintage Krug; even a pair of gravity defying boobs or a six pack. In each case they are eye-wateringly expensive. In fact, the only limit is the size of your wallet and personal greed or lack of taste or real sense of self worth.

    However, some of these excesses imbue in me not only head shaking incredulity but equally a feeling of moral and intellectual superiority that the super rich can be super stupid. I remember meeting one of the Producers of Dallas who told me the secret to it’s success (and for the same reason Dynasty) was:

    “There is nothing more satisfying than the eye-candy of rich people lives and toys then to watch them screw up a situation you think you could handle better yourself.”

    Things like Vicuña cod pieces for $5,000 or a Hammacher Schlemmer single ice cube maker for $759.95 are not on my wish list now and if I won the Lottery, I  cannot see they would ever be.

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

    Time for an enema

    • May 18, 2021
    • Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Technology
    • View all 2 Comments
    Why...

    Even in hospital is there still ying and yang. As some have commented it has been a while since I have written a ditty. The reason being I have been in hospital under the surgeon’s knife. Three times in fact; the result of which is my sense of humour has been sorely tested.

    If there was one benefit to this it was the endless supply of opiates, mainly morphine and pethidine that they have sent me gently wafting through some truly fabulous dreams and thoughts for the past month away from the raging storm of pain. No wonder heroin is so addictive. Like everything in life that is enjoyable there is a downside. Opiates turn your stomach contents into rocks. I will spare you all the details, but dignity is left behind when you check into a hospital. After managing somehow to unblock my insides with what amounted to industrial strength Draino I happily drank four litres of water a day along with sandcastle amounts of diuretics to prevent any reoccurrence. I have to say that on some days this was not helped by the food, which was more suited to building cladding and had all the nutritional value of a bicycle pump.

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

    Have you got your Easter Bonnet ready?

    • March 28, 2021
    • Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Sex
    • View all 1 Comment
    Why...

    Do certain holiday traditions fill me with dread... or make me laugh like a hyena.

    Easter is a weird holiday. Firstly you never know when it is. Easter Sunday is something to do with a full moon after another date that for me always has the whiff of the werewolf about it. Certainly it’s pagan.

    From the Christian point of view it’s ultimately about rebirth but it starts with a pretty grim death. Yet in public lore it seems more to centre on chocolate eggs and hats only someone with a strong neck like Mike Tyson can wear.

    And bunnies. How does a bunny get tied to an egg? Maybe David Attenborough can help?

    Ozzies hate the bunnies the British introduced and would rather stick needles in their eyes than celebrate them. They have chocolate bilby instead; the bilby being their indigenous rodent and looking like a cross between Pinocchio’s nose and a hare.

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

    My new travel agent

    • March 14, 2021
    • Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Sex Travel/Nature
    • View all 0 Comments
    Why...

    Has my TV and cable remote turned into TripAdvisor?

    Having run the gamut of US and UK located shows I have started choosing my televisual feasts on where I fancy visiting or want to return to now that lockdown is giving me island fever here in Malta. I have not set off the rock for over a year and though a lovely place it’s so small you could carpet it in an afternoon.

    The Serpent gave me a decent dose of Thailand, Nepal and India. My sister is so ancient she can remember the rumours of a serial killer praying on backpackers in the 1960s in Asia.

    Yearning for a bit of ice and snow I watched the thriller Cardinal, set in Algonquin. Not the hotel in New York where Dorothy Parker held court with such gems as “Every morning I brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue” or “beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes to the bone”, but some snow hole north of Toronto where a serial killer was plying his trade.

    Next I hopped over to the beaches of Sydney for Deep Waters followed by the anodyne surroundings of Canberra in Secret City, Australia’s own House of Cards.

    To add to the feeling of local immersion, these shows have to be binge watched, accompanied by meals and booze from the country of the series. So possum burgers and Bundaberg Rum for Oz, Moose Lager and maple syrup pancakes for Canada and chilly Mo-Mo washed down with Tongba for Nepal. (Look it up). No wonder my diet isn’t working. Maybe I need to watch more shows from Japan or other low fat diet countries.

    In fact maybe TV watching can be part of a diet?!

    ..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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