All posts in category: Travel/Nature

Welcome aboard. This is your Captain speaking

Why...

Are people so keen to replace commercial airline pilots with computers?

If I remember correctly the ‘unfailable’ systems of SouthWest airlines failed in June 2021. It was Southwests turn again in December 2022. British Airways and numerous others have also had to severely restrict or halt services due to computer ‘glitches’. Even the rock solid computer system of the Federal Aviation Administration went tits up in January 2023.

So far I don’t recall a single pilot or co-pilot flopping over in the cockpit needing a reboot.

Now that isn’t to say I go all misty eyed about losing usherettes at the Cinema or bus conductors on the Number 72, but frankly I prefer a human being in charge of an aluminium bullet travelling at near 600 mph

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2023 ... hero or villain?

December 25, 2022
Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

At the beginning of each year, do we go through this ritual inspection of the chicken entrails to reveal the booby traps or goodies awaiting us in the New Year? If you are a sentient being with an IQ bigger than your shoe size, you already know the answer. In sport there will be a couple of upsets, otherwise the usual suspects clean up at everything. Politics and global warming will get hotter and a couple of natural disasters will blight lives. Mid-summer a silly story about some animal being able to perform open heart surgery, play a Beethoven sonata or predict the outcome of a football match will make worldwide headlines. A big rock star will fall off his perch as well as a past-it-sell-by-date TV show will get the ax. Two certainties are the winner of the Best Actress at the Oscars will cry, and then suggest the category is sexist and should just be for best actor.

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Fill her up with four star, a packet of crisps, a bottle of Bordeaux and a butt plug please

September 18, 2022
Fasion Health & Beauty Sex Technology Travel/Nature
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Why...

Does the content mix of goods on display in some stores surprise me? I was recently in a small hillside village in the South of France when I stopped at the local gas station just outside town. It was a small family run business, not part of a major chain. When I went inside to pay, whilst I stood in the queue, I idly looked at the stuff on display. Oil, antifreeze, air freshener, alcohol (it’s France) then came across dildos, a massive butt plug and handcuffs. Enterprising as this may be, I just don’t see if you popped in for a few litres of fuel, you might suddenly decide… “Ah yes, I need a new butt plug.” Conversely, if you did need such toys, the last place I would think of to go and buy them would be my local garage. It’s not as if this was a major artery where long distance lorry drivers would pull in and buy themselves some personal amusement as they slept overnight in the car park. When it came to paying the elderly grey haired lady behind the till, I was so tempted to ask if she stocked any French ticklers. So now I have started to actively look for the unexpected in shops. Amazing. Dr. Scholl’s shoes in my greengrocer’s, rat poison in my office supply shop and ‘Jesus loves you’ ties and ‘Jesus saves’ Band-Aids at the local coffee shop.

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Just don’t mention the weather

Why...

Can I not turn on the news or pick up a paper without screaming about the weather? The UK news media liken what would be a warm day where I live as akin to the UK living in hail and brimstone. Beelzibub and his minions are stalking the hell-like streets. Pah! However, here in Malta this summer has been hot enough to poach an egg in my underpants. I like the beach as much as anyone but I cannot understand people flocking to be staked out on the sand with the sun hot enough to turn their bodies the colour of condemned veal. Certainly most locals shake their heads in disbelief at the tourists gently sizzling on the shoreline. So instead, my wife, the French bulldogs and I enjoy the view of the Mediterranean from the comfort of the air conditioning, with the occasional sprint into the pool. Even the dogs hop across the garden flagstones to jump into the flowerbed to pee. Forget booties for the snow, you need them to protect your tootsies from turning into ten chipolatas!

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Disco. It still exists. Only in nightmares. Or holidays

July 17, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

To add to the list of things you do on holiday and leave on holiday is dancing to disco music.

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If an airline can charge you for a seat on a plane that does not exist, why can they also charge you if you don’t appear at the gate?

July 3, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Friends Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

Are some airlines hellbent on pi##ing off their passengers, whilst some notable exceptions bend over backwards to be helpful? Let’s face it. Airports in certain cities are in chaos. I recently heard of a passenger checking into First Class on an international carrier asking for his bags to go to Rio as he went to New York. An exasperated check in staff called over the manager who explained this was simply impossible. Baggage had to accompany the passenger. “Well, you managed it last time I flew to New York”, came the response, to a ripple of applause from other passengers.

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Why a spring break is like a Pringle

May 29, 2022
Entertainment/Media/Arts Fasion Health & Beauty Friends Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

During two years of lockdown and feeling like Papillon on Devil’s Island, locked in and no way out, my wife and I took the sports car to Sicily then on to Calabria and Puglia in the boot of Italy. The problem was we did not want to come home. After being cooped up in Malta, an island so small you could carpet it in an afternoon, the sense of freedom was overwhelming. And just like a single Pringle, a short break is not nearly enough. Had we not had two pooches waiting for us, we would be in Croatia by now on the way to Istanbul!

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Things I want to buy Duty Free

March 27, 2022
Finance/Law Food & Drink Kids/Family/Relations Travel/Nature
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Why...

Are we so desperate to buy Duty Free? The truth is duty free is daft. I mean who said… “I know. Let’s fill all departing aircraft with more weight to burn more fuel. In addition, let’s fill the passenger compartment with a bunch of combustibles; booze, perfume, tobacco and raffia or plastic tat.” The truth is airports don’t give a fig about passengers so long as they can claw money off you in the two hours they hold you captive. The logical thing to do of course is to buy items to be collected when you land, thus avoiding transport cost and safety issues. That means all the crap you buy at the airport for friends and relatives because you forgot to buy on holiday will fall by the wayside. And no more local hootch that most of the time is used as paint thinner anyway. If you are desperate to buy a diamond encrusted watch or unobtainium rings because they are massively cheaper than at home, then search them out and buy them when you land. Makes the custom clearance queues shorter for the rest of us.

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????Kwanza is coming, The non-force-fed goose is becoming plus size ????Please transfer a bitcoin into the yearly challenged person’s electronic hat

Why...

Is the term Christmas offensive to some but if I suggested to my Muslim mates that they renamed Hadj or Jewish friends came up with a more inclusive term for Yom Kippur or Sikhs and Hindus festival of Diwali should be changed to ‘fancy dress day’, I would quite rightly be told to sod off.

I am confused as to what is wrong with cultural identity. It’s not offensive to others, just saying:

“Hi there, this is our excuse to let our hair down. Join in if you like, but these are the rules of the game!”

And to be honest a huge number do join in.People of all faiths pull crackers and put on silly hats on December 25th and I don’t hear many objecting to getting the day off.

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Now it’s wind power that’s killing the planet

Why...

Is wind about to destroy life on earth?

At the recent COP 26 (have there really been 25 others) there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. I am by no means a climate denier but I am also a realist. Much as Greta and co would like, I am not reverting to eating mung beans nor limiting my travel to bicycle or Ox and cart.

In terms of transport, Genies once out of bottles are impossible to put back in. You have to replace them with a better one. Horses for steam train, steam train for car, car for plane… etc, etc. So, if fossil fuel must pass, it will only be because we have something as good, if not better. To me that does not mean running around in cars fired by a battalion of AAA batteries. I am quite prepared to wager major sums of money on two things.

The internal combustion engine is extremely efficient with lowering levels of pollution and will not disappear in the foreseeable future.

Battery cars are the Betamax of transport. The future is hydrogen.

Trains will doubtless move from polluting generated electricity to magnetised super trains and planes will get faster as our insatiable appetite to travel and save time continues to grow. I suspect jet technology will be around for at least another half century unless a real Scottie can be found with Star Trek’s dilithium crystals.

In any event, blocking motorways or just shouting in a march resolves nothing. We need brainpower to solve our current problems, not the boos and hisses usually the preserve of pantomime audiences.

So it’s really power stations, insulation and packaging that need the wake up call. Which brings us to wind. The kind cows emit.

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Officer. Arrest that man. His clothes fit

October 18, 2021
Fasion Health & Beauty Finance/Law Technology Travel/Nature
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Why...

Do policemen look like they have been shrink-wrapped?

Maybe it’s rose-tinted spectacles but back in the day when all policemen looked older than me, I don’t recall them being shoehorned into clothing three sizes too small for them.

Nowadays they all seem to be trying to burst out of their uniforms. I understand the theory is… it makes them look intimidating and gives you less to hang onto in case you get into a scuffle. Quite how clothing tighter than a sausage skin is meant to be intimidating, I am not sure. However, judging by the actual size of many policemen, I reckon I could hop faster than they could run. Why scuffle if a brisk walk will leave a Bobby panting like a pug in the Sahara?

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For sale - International Space Station. One careful owner. Huge saving on list price. US $35b o.n.o. Must collect

Why...

Is it ‘time’s up’ on the I.S.S.?

I understand that the space equivalent of Honest Jo’s Car Lot Jamboree have given the space station the once over as NASA struggle to keep it running.

“Hmmm. Well now. The grobulators are worn out and your doo-hickeys are in pieces. These parts are very difficult to track down, you know? They just don’t make ‘em anymore. Huge mileage. Needs a new paint job, a few dents whilst docking I see”. No doubt at this point whilst space walking, Jo gives the tyres a kick.

“Trouble is no one really wants these old fashioned ones anymore. Me, I love all that classic silver and chrome and a really good jet propulsion… but young people nowadays… they want the latest and it has to be green. I could take it off your hands but sorry £1b is as far as I can go. Even then I will probably make a loss”. Selling a used vehicle was ever thus.

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Be still my beating heart. No, I’m not lovestruck. I am about to get on a plane

August 29, 2021
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Travel/Nature
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Why...

Am I so excited to get on a plane again?

After a catalogue of medical oopsy-daisies and the dreaded Covid lurgy-lockdown, my wife and I board the big silver bird soon. For me, the first time in 20 months. Love Malta as I do, you can carpet it in an afternoon. I have increasingly felt like Dustin Hoffman or Steve McQueen in Papillon, waiting to jump off a cliff with a net bag full of coconut shells to drift away to somewhere new.

I really don’t know what to expect at the departing or arriving airports. It appears things are totally random. When my wife flew to the USA earlier this month the words Covid or vaccination were never uttered in Washington DC, yet as she flew out of Frankfurt she was made to feel she should be hermetically sealed and vacuum packed. We have friends who have been grilled with more questions than a debrief of a defecting spy, while others drifted through without ever producing a vaccine certificate. As usual there is no consistency or joined up writing between what various health ministries decree and what happens on the ground

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If you are at home in summer it’s too damn hot. If on holiday it’s not hot enough

Why...

Do exactly the same events draw different reactions whether at home or on holiday?

It is a given if you live in a country with a hot climate, that summer is a bit of a chore. No one who lives here in Malta would dream of going sunbathing in August, let alone spend all night in an unair-conditioned night club. Yet as soon as we break the island’s shackles and go abroad everything changes. We all lay out like coffee beans slowly going from red to brown under a scorching sun in Marbella or visit a sauna with music that is some Greek nightclub in Mikanos. There we bop the night away as we slowly melt like the Wicked Witch of the West, to scramble back to hotels as dawn is breaking only to be woken an hour later by bin lorries.

Despite paying through the nose we actually put up with a lot more on holiday than we do at home. That explains paying silly money for a plate of pasta at a beach side bistro or a kings ransom for a bottle of champagne in a nightclub; neither of which we would ever pay at home.

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The ultimate amusement park ride or just a giant c#ck?

Why...

This sudden glut of billionaire space cowboys?

Obviously the creation of your own rocket is a pretty serious achievement. The best I could have come up with would have been a 300 foot milk bottle, lit the blue touch paper and stood well back.

However, amazing as it is that three individual billionaires can summon up the resources to compete with NASA, I can’t help asking why? I mean the business plan has got to be pretty poor.

“ Ok so you want to spend umpty billion building a rocket?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“ To offer rides to those not rich enough to build one themselves. Common or garden centimillionaires.”

That’s it. It is the ultimate private Enterprise F#ck You bragging rights over silly $500m yachts or gold plated planes.

Bezos rocket even looks like a willy. Is he really just like any middle aged saddy in a Ferrari to make up for any shortcomings in his manhood.

“Just look at the size of my cock as it thrusts it’s way into outer space”, he is shouting to the world. I hope in the Bezos bedroom it lasts longer than ten minutes soup to nuts.

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Lost & Found… but we keep it anyway

Why...

Is getting back stuff you have lost so difficult? Yes, I understand that my i-Phone and i-Pad should be attached to my wrists with a piece of string, just like a toddler’s gloves. I do have a tendency to lose things… A LOT. However, recently I left my i-Pad on a Turkish Airline flight that had to connect via Ataturk (Istanbul) Airport. I left the i-Pad on the plane that landed in Ataturk from Malta and noticed it missing on the plane to Sofia, my final destination. So far, so stupid. Rang the airline. Hooray they have found it. To confirm it was mine they asked for the access code to turn it on. I gave it to them. “When are you coming to collect it from Lost and Found?” I replied I was not coming back though Ataturk so could I send a courier to collect. “No. Lost and Found is airside (i.e. after customs/immigration control) so you have to collect yourself.” Having a Lost and Found at an airport that you can only physically pick up yourself if travelling is as logical as a chocolate tea-pot. In addition, my insurance company declined to pay out a loss as the item was in fact recovered. Now if I was a cynical chap, I might think this is part of a cunning plan. You lose an item on a plane, you hand over the access code to show it is yours, they know you are unlikely to collect and before you can say Ebay, it’s for sale… but that would be a terrible thing to suggest…….

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As lockdown is over we wondered if we could come visit and have a dip in your pool?

April 18, 2021
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Technology Travel/Nature
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Why...

Do I suspect our home is about to be invaded by numbers that make the Mongol hordes look like a tea party?

Over the next four months my wife and I are bracing ourselves not only for requests to visit from dear and close friends, but everyone I have ever met; from the STD doctor I once spilt coffee over and gave my gentleman’s sausage third degree burns, to a Fulham traffic warden who gave me so many tickets he knew my name. He’d even stop me in the street to tell me he’d just given me another ticket or worse what he called a curbie grip (clamp).

The pent up desire from people in Northern climes to ‘come and unwind’ for a few days now they are released from Covid’s lockdown embrace, could eventually transform me from a gracious host into Basil Fawlty.

As some readers know, the problem is people think because you live by the sea in a warm environment that you are de facto permanently on holiday. No, it’s home! I work from here! It’s like assuming because you choose to live in Des Moines you are as bland as sliced bread... well actually that’s true, bad example... but you know what I mean. No matter where you live, in a Palace in Pacific Palisades to a bivouac in Hackensack. It’s home. Not a holiday.

Some people are shocked when you cannot drive them to see the worlds largest bunion (or whatever your locale has made famous) or that the fridge is getting low on beer.

“Yeah the red burns on my arm are not caused by the sun but permanently working on the bar-b-q”, I add dryly to a enquiry as to my health.

Please note... actually it’s barbe a queue, literally beard to tail when you spit roast a chicken or even a pig on an open fire. So now we not only have to thank the French for their Letters (think about it, it’s a subtle joke) but also allowing Australians to think they can cook.

I digress...

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My new travel agent

March 14, 2021
Entertainment/Media/Arts Food & Drink Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

Has my TV and cable remote turned into TripAdvisor?

Having run the gamut of US and UK located shows I have started choosing my televisual feasts on where I fancy visiting or want to return to now that lockdown is giving me island fever here in Malta. I have not set off the rock for over a year and though a lovely place it’s so small you could carpet it in an afternoon.

The Serpent gave me a decent dose of Thailand, Nepal and India. My sister is so ancient she can remember the rumours of a serial killer praying on backpackers in the 1960s in Asia.

Yearning for a bit of ice and snow I watched the thriller Cardinal, set in Algonquin. Not the hotel in New York where Dorothy Parker held court with such gems as “Every morning I brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue” or “beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes to the bone”, but some snow hole north of Toronto where a serial killer was plying his trade.

Next I hopped over to the beaches of Sydney for Deep Waters followed by the anodyne surroundings of Canberra in Secret City, Australia’s own House of Cards.

To add to the feeling of local immersion, these shows have to be binge watched, accompanied by meals and booze from the country of the series. So possum burgers and Bundaberg Rum for Oz, Moose Lager and maple syrup pancakes for Canada and chilly Mo-Mo washed down with Tongba for Nepal. (Look it up). No wonder my diet isn’t working. Maybe I need to watch more shows from Japan or other low fat diet countries.

In fact maybe TV watching can be part of a diet?!

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2021 Summer Holidays... Club 18-30 will be empty. It’s going to be all oldies

March 7, 2021
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

Will all the nightclubs this summer be full of Old Age Pensioners?

Amid all this rushing to get anyone in touching distance of being old injected against Covid, we will have left the younger generation alone.

“They’re not at risk. They can wait.”

Maybe...

I have to assume that this summer no one is going to be able to venture overseas without proof of inoculation. Come forward most people over 55. What about the sex mad twenty somethings, a significant percentage of whom enjoy rumpy-pumpy 24 hours after landing on foreign shores! They are going nowhere. No inoculation, no overseas travel.

An entire generation will sit at home watching their parents and grandparents all dressed up in sombreros and sandals, off to the Continent to drown in Sangria, Mai Tai’s and Ambre Solaire.

On the Costa del Sol a backpacker is going to be as rare as a redneck with a full set off teeth. The whole vibe of this summer in Europe will change.

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It’s a passport photo, not a Henri Cartier Bresson portrait

January 24, 2021
Fasion Health & Beauty Sex Travel/Nature
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Why...

Do we go care so much about our passport photographs? It’s not as if we expect to go on a date with a Custom’s Officer? A dear late friend of mine was a wildly successful manager of Rock and Pop Stars. He got a call one day from a world famous client who was performing at Wembley and due to fly out and perform three days later at the Olympic Stadium in Berlin. His passport had expired so my friend went to his London home, picked up the passport and went to Petit France (where passports were renewed in those days) and due to the fame of his client managed to get a new passport. Two days later he got a furious call from his famous client saying he would not be going to Berlin as he hated the photo his agent had selected in the new passport. He refused to use that passport and had it incinerated. Concert was postponed! And no, I am not saying who this was! In our new COVID world you can renew a passport online with an I-phone photo. Let me just say my wife was extremely upset at the photo I took of her recently for her new passport. “Darling, you are an eternal beauty. But it’s flat lighting, a head on shot against a white background, blank expression, hair pulled back... so the odd wrinkle might show.” She was still not happy. “The only person ever to see it will be an overweight Immigration officer with halitosis that could strip paint and a probably unhealthy desire to give you an “internal” search. My recommendation is to look as appealing as roast pangolin served by a waiter with a cough.” That worked.

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All posts in category: Travel/Nature

Welcome aboard. This is your Captain speaking

Why...

2023 ... hero or villain?

Why...

Fill her up with four star, a packet of crisps, a bottle of Bordeaux and a butt plug please

Why...

Just don’t mention the weather

Why...

Disco. It still exists. Only in nightmares. Or holidays

Why...

If an airline can charge you for a seat on a plane that does not exist, why can they also charge you if you don’t appear at the gate?

Why...

Why a spring break is like a Pringle

Why...

Things I want to buy Duty Free

Why...

????Kwanza is coming, The non-force-fed goose is becoming plus size ????Please transfer a bitcoin into the yearly challenged person’s electronic hat

Why...

Now it’s wind power that’s killing the planet

Why...

Officer. Arrest that man. His clothes fit

Why...

For sale - International Space Station. One careful owner. Huge saving on list price. US $35b o.n.o. Must collect

Why...

Be still my beating heart. No, I’m not lovestruck. I am about to get on a plane

Why...

If you are at home in summer it’s too damn hot. If on holiday it’s not hot enough

Why...

The ultimate amusement park ride or just a giant c#ck?

Why...

Lost & Found… but we keep it anyway

Why...

As lockdown is over we wondered if we could come visit and have a dip in your pool?

Why...

My new travel agent

Why...

2021 Summer Holidays... Club 18-30 will be empty. It’s going to be all oldies

Why...

It’s a passport photo, not a Henri Cartier Bresson portrait

Why...