Officer. Arrest that man. His clothes fit


Do policemen look like they have been shrink-wrapped?

Maybe it’s rose-tinted spectacles but back in the day when all policemen looked older than me, I don’t recall them being shoehorned into clothing three sizes too small for them.

Nowadays they all seem to be trying to burst out of their uniforms. I understand the theory is… it makes them look intimidating and gives you less to hang onto in case you get into a scuffle. Quite how clothing tighter than a sausage skin is meant to be intimidating, I am not sure. However, judging by the actual size of many policemen, I reckon I could hop faster than they could run. Why scuffle if a brisk walk will leave a Bobby panting like a pug in the Sahara?

...and another thing

People say we don’t like wearing uniforms because we don’t like to conform and want to express our individuality. Really? Go to a rave of 1,000 people in Ibiza and 999 of them will have a tattoo, be in flip flops and a t-shirt.

Insulator protestors currently clogging British motorways all have beards (women included) and teach Geography. And middle management female executives all wear LK Bennett.

I’m no different. Hawaiian shirts and shorts in the summer, jeans and a puffer jacket in winter. In fact, following nearly two years of lockdown if you want to stick out wear a suit and tie!

...and another thing

Yet at school I had to wear a uniform… and it was a health hazard. If you want to get thumped, try walking around a tough Midlands town like Rugby having to wear a cap. The local lads looking for a rumble with us spoiled brats at the private school (which of course invented the game of Rugby) need only see a cap perched on a gormless toff before his face and testicles would brutally attack the innocent locals clenched fists (or that’s what they always told the cops when they turned up). Thankfully, after several boys got their teeth shuffled the school saw that sticking out like a Belisha beacon to be set upon, was perhaps not wise and caps were at last no longer a requirement to go into town.

Even the Army had worked out two hundred years before that wearing a bright red coat going into battle was a tad conspicuous and after the American War of Independence, gradually introduced the idea of Army fatigues to blend with the background. The original argument given for wearing red was if shot your fellow soldiers might not notice the blood!

...and another thing

So how do you stand out from the crowd without looking either like a fashion victim or a mascot from a football club? The trick is to get away from the crowd… not change your dress sense. So, for example try wearing those jeans and Gucci puffer jacket in Pyongyang. Or maybe your Glastonbury get up in Mecca during the Haj.

Perhaps, then we might see being able to wear what we want is more important than actually trying to make a statement. In both the above examples the statement would be “Arrest me.”

Stay safe.

Go Back

Add a comment: