Assault and Battery


Is something as simple as buying a battery as confusing as the tariff at an airport garage?

Does anyone know which of these batteries from Duracell are the best? Duracell Plus Power +50% more power or Duracell Ultra Power. Let alone Energiser Power Plus or Energiser Extreme. And both of these are before you even get to lithium, rechargeable etc., ya-di-ya-di-ya. All I know is they always seem to run out when you have no spares in the house. And despite all this extra super long blurb, how come there is a battery in Oxford that has been ringing a bell for 180 years or 10 billion tings but my battery corkscrew can barely manage a dozen bottles?

...and another thing

What’s with the goddamn bunny? Both Duracell and Energiser decided to adopt a bunny as a logo!?

Are you seriously suggesting to me two roomfuls of adults sat around a table and had the same Eureka moment.

“I know. Let’s have a rabbit as a logo.”

The only things rabbits do, or go on and on and on, is have sex. Which apart from the obvious electronic phallic accoutrement has nothing to do with batteries, though maybe a dildo buzzing away saying it goes on and on is far better than a bunny beating a drum. The battery was invented by a woman anyway.

...and another thing

Batteries are very similar to razor blades. There you also have two behemoths, Gillette and Wilkinson Sword, who seem to charge an extortionate amount for a teensy strip of steel. Batteries are not only expensive but they can vary from pricey to insane. Here in Malta they charge so much for batteries you would think it was nuclear fusion.

...and another thing

Unlike razors, however dead batteries can keep on giving. They can explode and are highly flammable although I understand that batteries make good mulch. Yup, the zinc and manganese dioxide that make up a battery are good for the soil. Maybe that’s what they mean by a power plant?

...and another thing

Finally, I think the battery I hate most is the one you cannot easily replace. I thought the whole point about a battery is when they conk out and go to the big battery farm in the sky, you just yanked it out and replaced it. Apple apparently don’t see it that way. For some curious reason when you need to replace their battery, mainly because the latest upgrade has slowed their battery down, you have to take your phone or iPad into an Apple Store and have them perform open heart surgery on it with the appropriate high charge, to replace it. (Pun intended).

I understand the oldest battery ever is 2,000 years old and comes from the Parthian period. It was found outside Baghdad. Sadly someone decided to replace it and stole it in 2003 during the invasion of Iraq. Maybe Saddam needed it for his Walkman?

Stay safe.

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