See all posts for August2015

Keep it simple, stupid

Why...

Do we associate quality with complexity? 95% of mobile phone users understand about 10% of their phones’ capabilities. Does any manufacturer seriously believe we are going to read the handbook (or should I say download it). These things make ‘The Lord of the Rings’ seem like a postcard.

Friends are more useful than a manual and a darn site quicker. We kick ourselves of course but most of their tips are at least helpful. Did you know if you’ve just typed a long sentence and accidentally deleted it on your iPhone, you can give it a shake to bring up the undo/redo button? OK, of course you did, but I didn’t. The point is this useful tip is hidden in a tsunami of useless information.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Welcome, have a nice day…but I loathe you

Why...

Are we so angry that London is overrun by young Arab men this time of year, squirting their bling-bling hypercars up and down Park Lane? Well, of course it’s because these glitzy tourists have more money than us, have a different culture and so we don’t understand them….Does that sound familiar? Think a bit next time you go somewhere remote on holiday as to how you behave and be thankful most locals treat you with such patience and respect! They must feel just the same as many Londoners do now and yet smile when they see you, not grit their teeth!

It is so easy to cause offense without thinking, even in cultures of similar backgrounds to our own.

I once waited in line at Le Louvre, when in front of me stood an elderly American couple. He was wearing trousers with checks big enough to play chess on and she had hair dye the colour of condemned veal.

"Can you tell us where the Winged Victory of Samothrace, the Venus de Milo, and the Mona Lisa are?" they asked the ticket lady without attempting a single word in French.

Obviously a frequently asked question, the girl pulled out a map and tracing the path they needed to take explained:

"You go up the staircase to the Greek section, there is the Winged Victory then turn right….through the lobby on to the Roman section to see The Venus de Milo….then come back to the staircase and go two floors to the greats masters…. turn left, turn right, walk the entire corridor to finally get to a small room….et voilá, the Mona Lisa."

"Gee Harry, " said the exasperated women, "why don’t these French just put ‘em all in one room. Be much simpler."

And you wonder why you don’t always feel the love of your host country.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

The Vacation Car Rental Experience…only Satan tries harder

Why...

Do we never learn? Einstein told us, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Clearly the great man never rented a car twice. Millions of people are now on holiday, not quite believing the rental car experience will again be torture like the time before…but BINGO! It is. You could be hiring a car in the South of France and waiting outside under the blazing sun in a two hour queue. Your shoes are melting on the pavement and your children gently poaching, whilst inside the air-conditioned offices that only seems to hold four customers, the two counter staff seem to swap shifts every ten minutes. In sunny Miami you fall asleep upright with jet lag in the car rental line, as the couple ahead of you spend an hour looking for their driving license and telling the assistant they definitely had it when they put their teeth in and slipped on their incontinence pants that morning.

As predictable as a guilty politician’s ‘no comment’, the model of the car you hired months ago is no longer available. However the rental car company can offer you a replacement within the same category…a former communist country run about, the Trabant, with no aircon, manual gearbox and the reliability of a cheesecloth condom. And then, when you are frustrated and ready to commit murder; salvation! A surreptitious wink and you are offered an upgrade for only a few dollars more a day. You sign on the dotted line and wham!, the nominal day rate increase for your luxobarge pales against the extra cost of insurance, collision excess insurance, content insurance, medical and personal injury cover etc. You half expect an additional fee because you might have orange hair, walk with a limp or are an alien. Suddenly the bargain $250 rate for a week break that you grabbed after searching for hours on cheapocarrentaldeals.com balloons to $1, 250.

Your kids are visibly shorter as they have wilted so much and your wife has used the Wi-Fi to file for divorce (perhaps they should sell ‘Divorce While-in-a-Queue’ insurance)? The desk jockey whips your credit card through the machine gouging out a deposit large enough for a down payment on a small yacht that also blows your card limit before you’ve even started your holiday. Another bonus is if you are caught speeding by the cops or on camera, the rental company immediately take the fine off your card. And the cherry on the top is you pay so much per day for a sat-nav that in no time you could have bought it; only you would never actually do that as the previous user had locked the language to Swahili and you can’t understand a word. All this before you leave the airport.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

It’s a pile of crap…..but beautifully lit

August 6, 2015
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Love
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Why...

Do we make such a fuss about pictures of models being altered to look better? It’s been like that since man could fingerpaint! Henry VIII nearly had the painter executed who presented him a touched up painting of Anne of Cleves. She looked sexy enough to be the equivalent of a Tudor Playboy centre-page spread (but without the staples). The King told the entourage who accompanied the painting that he would offer her his hand in marriage, and retired to his chambers in anticipation of the wedding night, with a royal hard-on that a cat couldn't scratch.

When Anne bowled up at court and became wife number four, she had a face that apparently could curdle milk. So history records even the King of England being fooled by the packaging not matching the product.

However the ones that get me are the lush photos of fast food that are as close to reality as a beauty contestants boobs. We see a burger dripping in some delicious hickory sauce, nestling on a puffy bun sandwiched between an explosion of crisp lettuce, as springy as a bouncy castle, as well as fries standing to attention like golden soldiers. But the real thing looks more like a hockey puck that's been sat on by Kim Kardashian and the lettuce as limp as La Cage aux Folles dancers' handshake. As for the fries, they have all the appeal of a bus driver's sock.

Just as there are legions of professional make-up artists at models photo shoots, there is a similar phalanx of stylists helping to create a fast food ad. These ‘artists’ come complete with tweezers, oils and brushes along with more unusual beauty aids such as blowtorches and knives.

I can so easily imagine our L.K. Bennett wearing stylists with their black roots sprouting under their blond bottle perms, clacking with hushed tones during the shoot.

"Do people really think that quarter-pounder wakes up looking that good?"
"My chicken nugget lettuce just came here to curl up and dye."
"If truth is beauty, that tortilla roll is a goddamned liar."

If anyone can send me a promo-photo of fast food that matches the heart-attack-in-a-sack they just bought for a few dollars, I will post it up!

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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Keep it simple, stupid

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It’s a pile of crap…..but beautifully lit

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See all posts for August2015

Keep it simple, stupid

Why...

Welcome, have a nice day…but I loathe you

Why...

The Vacation Car Rental Experience…only Satan tries harder

Why...

It’s a pile of crap…..but beautifully lit

Why...