♪Taxi Taxi, ♬Uber alles, Uber alles in der welt

Why...

Do we endlessly discuss the merits of Uber vs Local cabs without addressing what really matters? How they drive and what they say. Firstly any cab driver who continually accelerates, slows down, accelerates, slows down, accelerates, slows down should only be driving something that actually benefits from this cretinous behavior…. a milk wagon so he can turn the content to butter. Period. No discussion.

...and another thing

I.C.E. (In Car Entertainment)

Passenger retaliatory action is fully justified if the driver (usually non Uber) insists on talking on his mobile to his friends about organising a golfing week-end or listening to any talk radio station and then answering back. More usual for Uber drivers is a radio tuned to ethnic music, thrash metal, whale songs or rap; all of which have their place… but it’s just not a place next to me.

If any of this starts during a ride just honk through your nose and open and close your mouth (like Jack Lemmon as Felix Unger in the Odd Couple) saying this music/voice radio brings on sinusitis often followed by a severe case of flatulence.

Sport

I am in awe of those local taxi drivers who have an encyclopedic knowledge of the streets of their City, yet why do they assume I share the same affection for their preferred football team? Once they get started it’s never a discussion, just a diatribe.

After your driver has described in excruciating detail last night’s blatant penalty the ref had missed just respond by asking them. “Hey did you catch the world chess tournament between Yuri Cutchyacockoff and Hugh Janus last night?Can you believe after a classic Molotov cocktail opening move from Janus that the Russian countered with bishop to queen sixty nine instead of knight to king’s butt and threw the game. What an idiot! I mean any fool knows that, right? What would you have done?” Guaranteed silence.

Politics

Drivers who rant about politics are dealt with as follows. “Ever since I did a short spell in prison after an argument that turned violent about politics I try not to discuss it with strangers anymore.”

Fatuous Optimism

The next no-no starts with “Cheer up, it might never happen” usually just after you have been sent a text message from your girlfriend who did not believe your recent internet search of Womb Raider, Twin Cheeks and Assablanka were just typos. To make things worse as you sit in the cab with your life in ruins the driver starts telling jokes. Stay looking depressed, add a facial tick. Then chip in…

“I told my therapist a great joke today

Roses are Red

Violets are blue

I’m schizophrenic

So am I.”

Silence guaranteed to follow.

...and another thing

It always surprises me how stubborn some drivers can be when you suggest a short cut. Even London Black Cabs with their total knowledge of London streets do not take kindly to being shown the way and grumble like their differentials or whine like their gearbox when pointed in your direction not theirs.

Worse however is Uber. In fact there needs to be a new version of Uber called ♪Move uber, da-rling ♬ in which I can drive to where I am going and the driver can sit in the back. Just blindly believeing that Sat Nav is infallible is like relying on the soap dispenser in the public bathroom to always have soap in it.

I welcome foreigners to my country and applaud their entrepreneurial get up and go but I do worry when I hear the Sat Nav directing the driver in Swahili. I have also had drivers not recognising the name of Grade A destinations like Times Square in New York, Beverly Hills Hotel in LA or Piccadilly Circus in London and asking for the postal/zip code to feed into the computer. In those instances I can get to my destination faster if I drive….even in reverse gear.

...and another thing

Whilst there is little worse than being whipped by industrial strength BO or slowly gassed by the garlic from a kimchee munching Korean driver, over potent air-fresheners are equally nausea inducing. I’d love to meet the people who think the sickly sweet waft these things give off are related to anything like fresh air. At best they remind me of mothballs at worse they purport to give off a scent that is utter balls. I mean if ever I was blindfolded in a wood that smelt of these trees that hang in cars I would assume I was in a dry cleaners. Did you know you can buy bacon, cupcake, hamburger or popcorn smelling air fresheners? It’s just a shame you can’t buy ‘Just shut the f#$%k up’ air freshener. I’d carry it everywhere.

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One Comment

  1. Avatar Peter says:

    Well as my dear wife often says “We are all different”. I get into black cabs in order to discuss the footie !! and politics for that matter and have benefited from the wisdom of many including the odd bet on the Premiere League. At the end of each journey I pass over a generous tip
    and usually get the response ” Its been a pleasure talking to you”. We both feel the world is a better place !!