Welcome aboard…. is enough

Why...

"Welcome aboard flight UR OXN flying from Heathrow to Sydney. My name is Sandra and I will be assisted by Dee in First class, Ben and Jerry in business and some trainees I look down on in economy. We understand you have a choice of other airlines and appreciate your custom ........We will be cruising today at 35, 000 feet at approximately 900 kilometres, or 560 miles or 490 knots per hour. First I need you all to pay attention to the safety demonstration, even those amongst you who have flown before…..” And so it begins. Flight attendants have become nannies in the sky, ready to instruct and scold. They know best. So listen up….and just to make you are awake the speakers screech with feedback. Most of us just want to recover from a cavity search after foolishly packing a pair of nail clippers in our hand luggage and watch a movie. The only thing we may ask the cabin staff (whose name is on their badge) is to turn the heating down.

...and another thing

“Our route today will take us up over Paris where we will then turn south towards Lilliput, then south east over Narnia west towards Tatooine before taking a stop for an hour in Hogwarts International. We ask every passenger to disembark because part of our deal with the host airport is to try and get you out to spend money in their duty free before we continue south again over Shangri-La out across the Sea of Tranquillity where you will be able to make out the remains of Atlantis before descending into Oz. The temperature outside will be -50 degrees……”……and on and on and on and on……. This interminable spiel is then translated into four other languages. Information for information sake. There’s nearly always a channel for those anoraks who really want to know this stuff but why spend up to twenty minutes telling every passenger?

...and another thing

I’m pretty unconvinced the navigator will pay much attention to a video game devotee from Purley Way Croydon who thinks he has a much better route and also wants to suggest flying 100MPH slower so we might save the aardvark.

As for the temperature outside……Much as I’d like to nip out for a sneaky cigarette or suggest to the twins in the row behind who are shouting and kicking the back of my seat if they would like to play outside…. Who cares? It’s irrelevant.

...and another thing

Who is the genius at BA who thought giving passengers garlic flavoured nibbles on planes with 350 people in close proximity was a good idea?

And sandwiches? What is wrong with Ham & Cheese, Egg & Cress and Chicken salad? Instead nearly all the airlines foist on us over complex mishmashes like Spawn of Toad with Beetroot Jam, Pelican Ears with raw onion or Chillies, Gravel and Cumquat. It’s not installation art, it’s a sandwich. Simpler the better. I’d actually quite like honey or jam.

...and another thing

If you can issue a ticket electronically with that clever bar code, as well as a receipt confirmation with yet another ‘thank you for flying with us’ note how about saying something useful like which bloody terminal you are flying from?

...and another thing

An article recently stated that a quarter of planes take off times are late. So how do the airlines then say 90%+ of their flights land on time?

A clue.

In 1958 the flight time to Amsterdam on the old busses flying then was 70 minutes. It’s now 75. If you pad your flight times it’s easy to make schedule if you are late taking off.

But if you have sat for an hour in a sweltering August heatwave with insufficient air conditioning before going to your destination seven hours later, a self-congratulatory comment from the Captain as you leave the plane saying you still landed on time simply asks the question …

“If we had taken off on time would we have landed an hour earlier?”

Now that really is a flight of fancy.

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10 Comments

  1. Gary says:

    On KALULA AIR a local airline running mainly between JHB and Cape Town have new wonderful flight attendants . Now .. Please dont accuse me of being a racist ( I spent all my earlier life fighting Apartheid ) but the funny accent only adds to my recent funny experience.
    The people running the airline think they are on the Seinfeld Show !
    Stuff like .. After the Welcome Aboard, etc … Toilets are no smoking and one at at atime with cameras for the crew to have some fun if you go in two at a time. Then there was something about putting one on the edge of the wing if one didnt obey the rules. There were a number of crude jokes like stuff about getting rid of one’s spouse or partner. Dont leave them on board. The crew no want them ! Etc.Etc. A mild giggle emanated from the aisles every now and then.
    The worst American laugh -in had nothing on this !
    Besides, to add insult to injury, one understood that all this was being read !
    Your thoughts ?

    G

  2. Jack Cooney says:

    Really enjoyed this one!

  3. lis katavic says:

    Love the sarcasm in life, my type of humour!! Keep going.

  4. Avis says:

    Hilarious!! Well done and good luck. Looking forward to next week.

  5. Brookey says:

    You have hit the nail squarely on the head. Flying has its own set of outdated and irrelevant routines.

    I look forward to seeing your next rant, sorry blog, on immigration procedures at airports. If we provide advance passenger information why is it such a surprise when we arrive at our destination that it takes an hour to have an official look at the passport that they already knew about …

    Keep up the good work!

  6. Sharon Cox says:

    I loved it.

  7. Paola says:

    Pelican ears , that’ s what I was given on my latest flight…. I also had to pay for them!

  8. emma clempson says:

    GREAT blog!! LOVE it. More please…..

  9. Jack Frost says:

    Funny, witty and refreshing -LOL!
    Hard to find though as there are so many ‘andanotherthing’ s listed – found this little pearl completely by accident.
    Where can I find your books – are they as funny as these posts?
    Cheers,
    Jack

    • Mark Grenside Mark Grenside says:

      Hi there. No, the book is a thriller set in the film world. Funny in parts as I can’t resist! Publishing deal closing. Will advise on site when available. Facebook and twitter will be in MN Grenside name but blog will be http://www.andanotherthing.com. Glad you enjoyed them all. More to come next week.