2021 Summer Holidays... Club 18-30 will be empty. It’s going to be all oldies


Will all the nightclubs this summer be full of Old Age Pensioners?

Amid all this rushing to get anyone in touching distance of being old injected against Covid, we will have left the younger generation alone.

“They’re not at risk. They can wait.”


I have to assume that this summer no one is going to be able to venture overseas without proof of inoculation. Come forward most people over 55. What about the sex mad twenty somethings, a significant percentage of whom enjoy rumpy-pumpy 24 hours after landing on foreign shores! They are going nowhere.  No inoculation, no overseas travel.

An entire generation will sit at home watching their parents and grandparents all dressed up in sombreros and sandals, off to the Continent to drown in Sangria, Mai Tai’s and Ambre Solaire.

On the Costa del Sol a backpacker is going to be as rare as a redneck with a full set off teeth. The whole vibe of this summer in Europe will change.

...and another thing

Instead of two for one cocktails at 6pm at the local hotspot, it will be a cup of cocoa and viagra. The morning queues at the STD clinics will be replaced by long lines at the physio treating bad backs from over energetic dancing.

The music that blares out of clubs will not be boom boom boom rave anthems but standards from Sinatra, Jagger, Lennon, and Bowie.

Rather than falling over in the street in a haze of vomit, the late night promenader will be sneaking a red Marlboro.

I wonder if even illicit drug taking will revert to joints and the odd tab of LSD mixed with a Bailey’s, as opposed to shot of vodka and a dash of ketamine?

...and another thing

The locals will be utterly confused.  Restaurants will have to backdate menus to include prawn avocado, gammon steak with pineapple and Black Forest Gateau. Instead of renting out mopeds, demand will be for electric wheelchairs. And the male boutiques will have to sell trousers with elastic waistbands and cravats. As for women, I expect it will all wafting kaftans, granny knickers  and oversized hats. The sale of monokinis or even mankinis will be nonexistent.

God knows how the police will handle all this. It’s not as if you can taser a rowdy seventy year old… you might damage his pacemaker.

...and another thing

For those 18-30s left behind, they will sadly remain pale and pasty this summer. They will be forced into a staycation. However, rather than run off to some overcrowded beach in Cornwall, many will simply offer to house sit for their parents…

The raves and parties will still be enjoyed in 2021. But rather than Ibiza, Crete, or St. Tropez it will be in Isleworth, Croydon or St.Mary Mead.

Stay safe.

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One Comment

  1. Christopher Wicker says:

    So funny if not so potentially true. Bravo, another hugely entertaining piece from that mischievous mind of yours ????

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