Attention dog toy manufacturers! May I introduce your product development team for 2021


Do ALL dog toys turn into confetti? Fifty years ago we put a man on the moon. In  2004 Greece won the European Football Cup. In 2020 mankind developed a vaccine for an unknown virus in under twelve months. We can do anything... except produce a dog chew that can last longer than the first time a teenage boy has sex. This Christmas some very dear friends sent a Fortnum and Mason hamper to our French Bulldogs Clouseau and Mowgli. They were super impressed. I was green with envy. Inside was an assortment of treats, toys and tucker that should have been enough to keep a pack of Transylvanian werewolves happy for a month. Let’s discuss the toys. The first ‘indestructible’ toy was a floppy rope knotted reindeer from Kong, the leader in indestructible chews. It was shredded in under a minute. The second, an eye wateringly expensive green and red Christmas cushion lasted as long as my first coffee. Next the Fuzzu Donald Trump doll soon had white kapok coming out of his head. It looked like steam from anger, no doubt following the Senate vote in Georgia. Finally there was a tough suede ball made from the same leather as desert boots. I actually heard Mowgli burp as he devoured it. He then looked up at me. “Next time mate, it needs more salt.”

...and another thing

My dogs are no different from anyone else’s. They do not secretly use a pencil sharpener on their teeth at night, nor perform jaw muscle exercises at dawn. However, they managed to chew the legs off two tables and runners off Tommy Steele’s old rocking chair. Mowgli has also taken particular offence at a sun umbrella base in the garden which now looks like Swiss cheese. Clouseau chewed on a mobile phone and I’m sure his mission in life is to ingest as many of the squeakers put into toys as possible. His hero is the dog in ‘Snatch’.The idea that some denim covered rodent, or a canvas clad duck would present my dogs as a chew challenge, is laughable.

So I am offering proper research data to any manufacturer who cares to send my dogs a toy. I suspect none will last a month.

“Aha” I hear you all cry out. “This is just a clever ploy to get free toys.”

No, it’s a cry for help… and a slap on the wrist. To market these toys as indestructible, super strong, or made from kryptonite is nonsense. If this was sold to humans the cry of mis-representation under the trade description act would be deafening.

...and another thing

“All right smart-ass,” you all mutter, “ Suggest something.”

So here it goes.

Let’s start with my mother’s scones. I am sure they are still intact in a landfill somewhere, even though she died a decade ago. They could survive a thermo nuclear attack.

Summer Fields School liver. Until I tried some decent calve’s liver in my twenties, I was convinced liver had the consistency of a squash ball. A batch of these would keep a bull mastiff chewing so long his jaw would get cramp.

The Wicked Witch of the West’s butt implant.

Whatever NFL linebackers stuff in their shorts.

Anything owned by Greta Thunberg.

True, there are other things that are difficult to swallow…

Most Oscar winners false modesty,

OJ’s version of events,

And that Snow White shared a bed with seven blokes and nothing happened… but sadly I think just about anything else can be digested by my dogs.


Stay safe.

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  1. Bette Anne says:

    Every word of this edition of the blog is absolutely true. I’ve witnessed these dogs in action and can swear to the veracity of Mark’s hyperbole laced musings. The only reason they’re still around to continue their reign of mastication is their adorable mugs! Irresistible.

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