Ding Dong, can I purge your soul and dry clean your wallet?


Am I asked to give to a church which solemnly predicts the end of the world is nigh? No long term benefit for me, and clearly the money not much use to them! Last week my door bell rang and a young couple looked up at me all doe eyed youth. " Vous parlez Francais (you speak French)?" To which I replied in the affirmative (My mother was French). We live in a section of London with quite a few French families who have fled to escape President  Hollande's financial guillotine and I assumed these two were lost and needed someone who spoke French who could help them find where their friends were. "Vous avez la paix. ...Are you at peace?" Nope, not lost tourists, but a couple of Jehovah's witnesses seeking to convert any escaped countrymen! That is really pushing hope well past the door of reasonable expectation. Successful proselytising in a foreign country but in your native tongue is as likely of being successful as a tap dancing oyster. "Un instant .. Wait a moment" I replied disappearing into the basement. I reappeared wearing a horned Devil's mask and holding a pitchfork, (taken from our Halloween party box). The young couple understood that I might be playing for the other team and left fast enough to make Usain Bolt blush.

...and another thing

We seem to have a star shining over our front door which glows ‘Suckers live here.’

More than once this year I found a young man on my doorstep who solemnly produces some kind of an identity card as if to allay my fears. Firstly that is as reassuring as a Catholic priest in a playground.  I can get any identity card I like from the web ranging from a membership of the Magic Circle to a passport from Uranus.

“Tell me you’re not going to try and sell me something,” I ask.

Undeterred this nervous looking youth gives me a pitch how he was trying to go straight from a life of cocaine and daytime TV and would I like to buy a duster for £100 or maybe a fetching pair of dishcloths for £50 to help him stay clean! If those prices aren’t Grand Larceny, I don’t know what is.

I applaud anyone trying to help himself, so long as it’s not to my stupidity. I suggested I would rent the dusters for £50 if he uses them to clean the car but clearly he believes his time is better spent appealing to someone else’s gullible nature.

He gives it one last shot.

“I have a nice pair or washing up gloves for £10.”

I turn and nod towards a pile of plates from the previous evening’s dinner party. He’s gone!

Charity and  religious ‘door knockers’ take note. We have sold the house and moving abroad!

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  1. Yum Yum says:

    Haha……you are So funny! Have you never seen an oyster tap dancing they have many in Malta!!!! xxxxxxxx

  2. Peter says:

    You’re a hard one! These poor guys who come to your door are only in training at raising finance from investment bankers !!

  3. Satan's little helper says:

    Another chapter in the life of of andanotherthingoverseas to come we hope it will continue – BTW our home is on the doesanyonespeakspanishhere Wittness list – I always say it’s me and proceed to speak my first grade Spanish – when the conversstion inevitably turns to English my language and comprehension skills deteriorate even more- still we have the full set of the spanish version of the Watchtower to practice our language skills with in preparation for la proxima Vez.

  4. Paul Macneil says:

    Dearest Dearest
    A friend of mine was interrupted one morning by a knock on the door:

    “The end of the world is nigh! What are you going to do about it?”
    He replied:
    “Madam, the end of the world can not be nigh till 100,000 males virgins are sealed in the Blood of The Lamb and with all respect, I’m not one of them and neither are you! ”

    as for the Priest in the playground…. I’m sure you could have thought of something better.
    Love from one non virgin to another.

    ( the number may be 777,000… I’ll look at Deuteronomy and get back to you)

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