DIY classes and Bear Grylls never taught me how to colour my wife’s roots


Could I never join Tom Hanks on Castaway?  Lockdown has demonstrated that I would never survive a week as Robinson Crusoe. The ‘manly’ ability to be able to fend for myself in the wild is limited to knowing how a tin opener works. Don’t laugh, most kids have no idea what it is. To try and light a fire I might as well rub two Boy Scouts together rather than wood. And the idea of building anything, let alone a hut, that did not come in a flat pack, is farcical.  Before Covid-19, many men had this belief that in the survival stakes they had things covered. The reality is without electricity, streaming TV and the Internet mankind is as viable as a condom dispenser in the Vatican. All these clowns who ran around pretending to be GI Joe at the weekend but were Account Managers during the week, would quickly become canapés for a hungry bear in the woods. Just as everyone now is a forensic expert after watching a few seasons of CSI, two episodes of survivor and a season of Gilligan’s Island makes us castaway experts.

...and another thing

The recent events however have shown a new type of survival requirement. How can you survive for three months in a confined space on your own without talking to the fridge? Equally how can you live in a confined space with other people for three months without wanting to stuff them in the fridge?

Then there is the ‘Christmas relations and friends’ syndrome’. Suddenly I am bombarded with zoom calls from relations and friends I barely talk to who must be running through their address book to avoid talking to the people they are in lockdown with. To be honest, I suspect that living near the sea in warm climes means we are a target to feel out if an impending visit is on the cards. Certainly, when restrictions are lifted, I expect an invasion here.

...and another thing

However, I have learnt some new skills. I have mastered the art of dying my wife’s hair. No mean feat as I reckon it has cost her a couple of Ferraris over the years to have this professionally done. She says however, it’s all about the gossip from her hairdresser and that unless I can dig up something interesting to say I will not be used again.

The TV and cable remote are no longer pushing by guesswork. I am an expert and if asked can provide the X Factor in Namibia right up to Cannibal cooking hints from Papua New Guinea.

I know every series or movie about to launch each month. In fact, the only thing I cannot find is a news service that does not try and find some new angle to report on Covid-19. Before this my wife was quite happy to have Sky news blathering away in the background reporting on everything from birdseed riots in Kwa-Zulu land to the deepest thoughts of Prince Andrew (if you waded through them, you would not get your feet wet).

My wife has at last shut it off. If someone out there is bored, I would love to know how many different related stories about Covid-19 I have been force fed like some battery chicken over the past 12 weeks. Viewing figures must be dropping faster than a hooker’s knickers after USS Nimitz comes into port, yet still it goes on… and on… and on. Effect of Covid -19 on Morris Dancers, zookeepers, plumbers, even ‘bring your own Covid-19’ parties.

So, until we get through a news break without mention of it, we will remain under Covid-19’s spell. Remember Brexit? Seems like a light touch on news coverage.

Stay safe, be kind and laugh.

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  1. Magda says:

    😉 Some minorities survive well during 3 months without electricity…;-) The mormons, some Indian or African tribes must have not felt at all that most of the planet was on Covid 19 confinement 😉 They will reproduce happily and continue doing their things without being disturbed by what is going on around them, continuing thinking that we are the “nuts” 😉
    As per having an invasion in Malta this summer…;-) It is like when someone buys a house with a garden and you suddenly have family and friends who were just around the corner doing something…;-)
    Let’s keep laughing because it helps a lot indeed in keeping us going in those not so easy times…
    I still didn’t get the book…;-( Hopefully soon…

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