Duck it; shot happens


Is Spellcheck watched over by some electronic Mary Poppins? If I search in Google for any number of potentially innocent things such as water sports; adult I am offered an eye-popping smorgasbord of entertainment, many of which have nothing to do with surfboarding, scuba diving or water skiing and are very rude indeed! Yet I am prevented from typing some decent Anglo Saxon swear words in a document without them getting changed or redlined. I can almost hear my iPhone nanny tutting at the vulgarity. The only alternative is to sit with Roger’s Profanisaurus (dictionary of swear words and slang) and insert (ho-ho) every rude word I can think of into to my personal dictionary so I continue to be abusive to my friends…in a language at least they understand!

...and another thing

Voice recognition activated messages however have filthy minds. I think I’d rather get a ticket for typing in the car than using them. I recently borrowed my son’s hatchback and used voice recognition to send him a text. He read

Giacomo, this car is disgusting. I cleaned your meth and crack whores out that were lying everywhere…

I actually dictated

“Giacomo this car is disgusting. I cleaned your mess of crackers out that were lying everywhere….”

...and another thing

At a time when my phone can read me the best route to work, make appointments, take notes and almost guide me through self-performing open heart surgery why won’t it let me write technical words or foreign names without permanently correcting them?

It’s clear all the iPhones and iPads are programmed in America where the only time they use a foreign language is to talk to the pool boy or read a menu but for the rest of the world that ain’t so. If Apple must have a spellcheck, how about a simple button to turn it off when sending an email or text. It currently takes forever to shut it off, type a word then put it back on again.

The Targa Florio race becomes the Tar ha Glorious, Mozart’s Cosi Fan Tutte is Cost Fannie tutted and recently on a recipe I sent someone warm prosciutto became warm prostitute.

Let’s not even go into well/we’ll, were/we’re, it/ its fiasco. If you want to drive yourself insane try typing, ‘Hell, he’ll feel ill as well.’

And please, can anyone explain to me in a language I can understand that while Apple makes some of the greatest gizmos known to man, the forward delete is beyond them?

...and another thing

On the occasions I am told calls are to be recorded (usually in rather authoritarian tones) when I ring back and ask them to refer to the earlier call why can no one can access it? I have no problem if the assistant I eventually get through to has to sit and listen to the recording of me going through exact same issue as I had last time I called. Poetic justice seeing as I have been made to listen to Greensleeves for the past hour or so and it will keep me awake all night as the melody rice chats round my cereal ball………sorry that was the melody ricochets  around my cerebellum.






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  1. Magda says:

    Good afternoon Mr Grenside (or Columbo…, sometimes you remind me of Inspector Columbo…;-) Always talking about about your lovely wife Kirsten but we never see her…(I did in London…, but not anymore 😉

    It seems that you are having fun with the technology. I agree it is a bit annoying to have some of our words highlighted in red or dots…or
    changed or redlined. But it could have been worse…Imagine every time we would like to search or write a funny word…A red alarm would go on shouting : ALERT ALERT…NO !!! What you are typing or searching is not correct. TRY AGAIN !!! ALERT ALERT !!! The nightmare 😉

    As for fun water sports adults…;-) Lets leave it at every adult’s imagination 😉 It’s like air sports…;-) Although water sports must be more fun.

  2. Debbie Brayne says:

    Excellent blog this week, Mark. It was spot on and I laughed out loud. xx

  3. Tony says:

    Cheese and Rice!!! you’re right on the money. It takes longer to proof read and correct a text or email than it takes to compose and type it.

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