If God was a woman, celery would have more calories than chocolate and white wine would replace water


Has the law of natural selection seemed to have passed by foodstuffs and things I enjoy? How come a yummy, light and fluffy chocolate eclair, something every sinew in my body urges me to eat, is bad for me at every level, as opposed to a vomit inducing kilo of brussels sprouts which my nutritionist says is bursting with goodness? In everything else our natural urges ensure our survival; be it wanting to have sex to procreate, nonstop chatter thereby ensuring protection by being tribal, a natural aversion to snakes or Politicians or any of a dozen natural instincts that Mother Nature instilled in our subconscious for our own good... except consuming calories, tobacco and alcohol. What happened? Depends who I ask. The Catholic’s and Jews have a thing about guilt. It’s a guilty pleasure to consume single malt whisky or puff on a Cohiba cigar so Yahweh or God, in his infinite wisdom made these things bad for me to test my faith. But that kind of logic is as cracked as the Grand Canyon. It also explains their puritanical views re sex (I like it but cannot have it unless under very strict conditions, passed down by the Almighty, often to people who are forbidden to have sex). If you ask Tom Cruise and his Scientology friends, they may say that liking things that are bad for us is an instinct passed on from the Thetans who visited Earth and had hanky panky with a lot of us humans. So, we inherited their love of all that’s bad as clearly on their planet they all indulged heavily in narcotics, sugar, ciggies and alcohol. All I can say to that is lead me to their planet and explain to me if they are such superior beings, they left their own nirvana?

...and another thing

Not only am I baffled by my natural instinct to eat things that are bad for me, can someone explain why I get hooked on X Factor or Dancing with the


In fact, the more I think about this blog, the more I understand that pretty well everything I truly enjoy has no redeeming quality other than intense pleasure. Cooking, diving, driving too fast, eating, drinking and writing pointless blogs, are all things that neither redeem my lowly existence nor are good for my health. However, I would avoid at all costs, the dentist, dieting, going to Church, working 9-5, exercise or paying attention to Air Stewardess In flight safety instructions.

Yes, I hear you say, but if I did this, I might live to a 100. Well, a life lived without cigars, alcohol, narcotics, chocolate, late nights, romancing my gorgeous wife, driving fast and generally burning the candle at both ends… will certainly feel like I have lived 100 years even if I had popped my clogs at 50… as the boredom would be overwhelming.

So, there you have the entire conundrum of human existence boiled down to one immutable truth. If someone else says it’s bad for you, do it.

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