Going going going. Sold to you sir. Expect to die horribly


Buy criminals belongings at auction?

I read with interest recently that no one in Mexico was interested in buying one of Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guizman’s hideouts; he being the cocaine kingpin and fervent underground burrower who eventually was brought to justice.

So the government gave it away in a special lottery, no doubt with the the strap line ‘this time your number really is up.”

Who in their right mind would buy anything confiscated from a mass murdering thug who has a propensity to escape jail. Even if he didn’t get out you can be sure as hell if something was still buried there a baddie would be round to dig it up……and put the new owners in the hole instead.

Same thing if you buy a luxury yacht or jet! Who knows what booby traps are still on these things and remain undetected? One minute you open a locker door below decks to what you think gives access to the pipes in the blocked head (loo) next minute you reveal neatly stacked cellophane wrapped blocks of cocaine before ka-boom and you are in Davy Jones’ locker.

It’s not like your relatives are going to sue the Government. ‘Caveat Emptor’ would be my position if I was the City Official who sold it at auction. “What do you expect to find hidden if you go poking about in some narco king-pin’s favorite toy? A Christmas tree?”

...and another thing

I would also think twice before I dated the favourite conchita of some mega villain. When the guy was out he would turn your testicles into earrings if you just looked funny at his girlfriend. You think a set of bars is going to stop him?

And everywhere else these billionaires stuffed there money? Well obviously the corrupt politicians’ and police officers’ pockets are safe but seized businesses that are flogged off to an unsuspecting public?

The Drug Barons all own restaurants, casinos, marinas, every nail salon, dry cleaning and laundry business and car wash operator within miles of their HQ. What happens to them after being auctioned off and the owner is pissed off? Out of revenge does our drug overlord make sure all the bent machinery in his casino intended to fleece the customers suddenly turn round and fleece the new owners? Do the restaurants get more cases of salmonella than cases of champagne? Do your nails fall off when you go for a ‘manny/peddy’?

...and another thing

So what should really happen to all this seized stuff? When I lived in the U.K. you never really heard about the sales. They were pretty quiet and I guess the Establishment were just squaring the circle keeping the bargains to another low key corrupt group that get to buy this stuff. I am not sure if people in the U.K. are even aware of auctions of seized assets.

Not so when I lived in the USA. In LA the police would run huge advertisements in papers about upcoming auctions of the goods and chattels of the latest Narco to have ‘had his collar felt’ ( U.K. slang for thrown in jail for my oversea readers)!

I went to a few. The truth is tv shows do not do justice to the utter lack of good taste these guys have. There is more culture in a yoghurt. The jewellery was so bling I understood why most wore sunglasses at night. There were rings so big if you picked your nose you would poke an eye out. Earrings the size of tv antennas ( remember those) and watches so encrusted with diamonds you needed biceps the size of coconuts to lift your arm to read the time. As for the clothes, the mantra seemed to be never have one logo on a piece of clothing when you can have twenty.

The cars were equally bad. Tricked out inside like a hooker’s idea of a love shack. Ostrich leather seats, gold plated accessories and colours so bright they could cause permanent retinal damage. And sound systems that make your ears bleed.

Admittedly there were exceptions. One I went to had 33 Hermes Birkin bags for sale, a few of which were quite decent. I suppose if you own 100 watches a handful of ones not the size of an ice hockey puck are in the collection. But the truth from my experience is the vast majority of stuff looks like prizes you get at fairgrounds…only made out of real jewels, platinum and gold but just as ticky tacky. For this reason the auctions often don’t raise much money.

...and another thing

I think each country should buy the worst excesses to put into museums. The entrance fees will generate far more money than at auction.

In addition it should act as the ultimate deterrent to crime:

“Listen, son. If you keep up your bad behaviour you are going to end up dressed in all this shit. Sure, nobody will dare laugh in your face, but as soon as you leave a room you will hear hoots of derision. Then you get arrested. And the Feds/police make available for viewing to the public your terrible taste whilst you rot in jail? You’ll never bend over in the shower to pick up soap…..”

Keep safe

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