Why hasn’t Viagra saved the rhino?

Why...

Are rhinos still being hunted? I read with some joy that a bunch of white rhinos from different European zoos are meeting in Prague for a few days of R and R before being shipped out for their club 18-30 holiday village in the wilds of Rwanda. It is hoped the traditional summer holiday spirit of fornication, so alive from Fort Lauderdale to Magaluf, will also turn our teen-age rhinos into sex machines and help build back their numbers. Apparently, rhinos are polite beasts and like a ‘getting-to-know-you’ cocktail party before deciding to mate. Hence the Prague get together. Rhino courtship is in fact quite complex involving a lot of pooh smelling by the males to determine which fragrance most pleases them. I can just imagine the chit chat over a gin and tonic: “I say, Griselda. I was mighty impressed with the aroma of your pile back there. I wonder if you would care to accompany me for a stroll in the forest once we reach our holiday destination?” “Why thank you Herman, yes I spent several hours choosing the right food to leave that bouquet. How gallant of you to notice. I’d be delighted to take a walk with you. Meanwhile can you pass me some of those pineapple and cheese chunks on a stick and top up my drink?” Now a rhinoceros is in fact quite a peaceful thing. However, when you reckon they weigh 2,300 kilos and run at twice the speed of Usain Bolt at full tilt, it’s best not to piss them off. Coz you ain’t getting away from them. I spent a pleasant afternoon with some in Nepal not long ago. One did bear a big gash over a hind quarter, but the guide assured me this was a result of a little light foreplay before getting down to some serious rutting rather than ramming a tourist vehicle! However, their ground up horns are highly prized to cure erectile dysfunction. Daft really as it’s made from hair, not bone and thinking hair can help an erection is like thinking you can play snooker with cooked spaghetti. This dust, however, costs as much as Viagra. I do not understand how there is a market for an expensive piece of witchcraft that does not work as opposed to a little blue pill that does. Surely the easiest way to stop this trade is to make Viagra available at deep discounts in those parts of the world that believe this nonsense... and cut the Johnson off anyone stupid enough to buy rhino horn instead of the pill, as they clearly have no idea how a willy works. I suspect by adopting those two simple ideas, the rhino poaching problem would be solved.

...and another thing

How do you fly a dozen rhinos from Prague to Rwanda? They are not exactly going to flop down and watch a movie and it’s a very long flight to be kept sedated. Does someone have to go check on the party and give them another shot? And how on earth do you give a rhino an injection anyway? It would be like trying to make a pin hole in a tank. And then there is the pooh (apologies for returning to this). That plane will need thermonuclear cleaning equipment once our party have been hauled off.

I assume someone has to teach them how to live and hunt in the wild and not just wander over nonchalantly to anyone with a fistful of their favourite food. (No doubt a poacher)?!

So, I see some challenges ahead for our intrepid team, but I wish them the best. I note the President of Rwanda welcoming the rhinos to the ‘most peaceful country in Africa.’ My… how times have changed! It was only a few years ago that being asked by an axe wielding Hutu if you wore long or short sleeves was code to where did you want your arm chopped off.

Meanwhile, I just hope on their first evening out in the wild, our armour plated friends don’t look up to see the sun going down and wonder where the keeper has gone to shepherd them into their nice warm shelter replete with food and water. A few nights out in the wild and they might actually get quite pissed off and yearn for the safety and convenience of the zoo. That is not the day you want to get too close for a photo….

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