Your Honour, Jingle Bells made me do it...


Does Christmas in any shop mean I have to listen to the same songs over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over? We have come a long way since the workhouses and child chimney sweeps of Dickensian England, but subjecting people in the retail workplace to a loop tape of the same music is worse than lemon on a herpes blister. Take the late Panamanian Dictator Manuel Noriega. When he locked himself in his Palace, the forces outside simply got out of their tanks and bought a job lot of ear muffs and speakers taller than the Jolly Green Giant. The rebels sat down, no doubt cracked open a few Cervezas and then blasted David Bowie’s Let’s Dance at Old Pineapple face... continually for five days. Without a shot being fired, Panamanian strongman surrendered. It’s bad enough for shop assistants to have to wear sparkly antlers and a red nose but to have to listen to White Christmas from November 1st to December 24th is worse than Chinese Water Torture... and I would snap. Menopausal matrons would be wearing the Welcome Egg Nog, uptight mothers would be wound up in tinsel and that irritating kid who tried to pull off Santa’s beard would be given a mince pie generously coated in Paprika.

...and another thing

If work in a store really becomes Groundhog Day I would never then be able go to a Christmas party. It’s work all over again.

Everyone is crammed into a small space dressed in a stupid sweater, topped off by an Elf’s hat.

Next Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everyone’ a song that has been banging around in my cranium for a whole f*&£ing two months blares out and some harpy with an I.Q. the same as her shoe size yells out ‘Happy Christmas’ and tries to kiss me under a wilting sprig of mistletoe.

I see the firewood axe and before you know it I would make Lizzie Borden look like an amateur.

...and another thing

After these brave shop assistants have witnessed the madness of Christmas spending, they have barely had time to digest the Xanax before it’s time for the sales.

A word of advice dear readers over the Christmas period. If you get into an argument with anyone… just check they ain’t working in a shop and there is nothing that could be used as a weapon nearby!

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One Comment

  1. PAC says:

    Great blog !! Did you know that Cromwell cancelled Christmas. I certainly did not approve of Regicide but cancelling Christmas ….. now there’s a thing !!

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