I feel pretty, oh so pretty ......and I pity anyone who isn't me today. Tra-la-la


Do people laugh at fashion disasters walking down the street? Surely what's funny is the fact these misguided peacocks looked in the mirror before going out and said "Yes, this works."

I am not referring to people unlucky to have been cursed with legs like a billiard table, or who hit every branch of the ugly tree. I applaud people challenging our blinkered idea of beauty. The ones that worry me is anyone who is 'making a statement'. Let's be clear. That statement is "look at me, I am an utter twat."

The only thing worse than people dressed like an explosion in a clothing store, are fashion show commentators. Some stick insect model with a purse string pout, parades down the catwalk wearing a real beehive on her head, a dress made out of a bin liner and Cornish pasties for shoes. Nevertheless some expert says "Yes strange as this may seem, this is what we will all be wearing next summer." Egg on face …. is all they will be wearing.

...and another thing

I accept that the only investment I have made over the years that shows a visible sign of return is my stomach. I have got bigger. However it seems sizes have also shrunk. Forget about waist measurements, even shoes and gloves are smaller! As for shirts my neck size is a constant 17 ½ but try and find a decent shirt that isn’t a slim fit. I am not looking for a tent but shirts are now ludicrously tight across the shoulders. Slim fit is simply another word for less material.

My super slim wife says ‘size shrinkage’ is the same for women. How dumb is that!!!! I would start a line of clothes where a size labelled 8 is really a 10 rather than the other way round. Think of how many thrilled customers you’d get when all buying a size smaller than their correct one, rather than fuelling self-loathing by selling them a size larger than the reality?!?!? No more “God I have to diet”, instead Hey my diet is working. I just lurve these clothes…. they fit so well, really well cut…” etc etc.

...and another thing

Bras. These are hugely complicated for men. Not only to open, (especially those pesky front loaders) but to buy. Now even these have become the object of size inconsistency. I just have managed to work out the minefield of what a double 34 AA is as opposed to a 38D. Now however the sizes go right the way up to H,G,LL and K? Where did these huge boobs come from? (I assume from Venezuela and a plastic surgeon). Bras like that are holding bowling balls.

I have never ever bought a bra that has come close to fitting my wife even though I have her size (no I’m not telling, mind your own business). I still have to resist looking at the shop assistant and saying ‘Well about your size but maybe half a handful more.” Excruciating.

...and another thing

How come we still get suckered into buying useless or irrelevant clothing like a tie; what the hell is that about? You half throttle yourself with a piece of material whose pattern clashes with your shirt and at best is skirmishing with your jacket (by the way do you have two vents at the back or one? Who cares!). A tie is always dipping into soup and serves no useful purpose other than to clean your glasses or if you have had too much to drink, blow your nose.

As for the idiot who thought sewing the toe end of mens socks together with one stitch was a smart idea, he undoubtedly either had no feet or never wore socks. The number of new pairs I have ripped pulling them apart not realising they are sewn together would supply an army of centipedes.

They say clothes maketh the man. No, style maketh the man. Clothes jutht maketh thomeone elthe filthy rich.

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  1. Nina says:

    How right you are that’s why we all love ” Not Your Daughters Jeans” a make that offers us jeans a size smaller than we usually buy!! Makes you feel like a supermodel even if your probably twice the size!!!

  2. Peter says:

    Great stuff. My beef is socks … I really wish that the manufacturers could denote whether they are inside out or outside in. An additional value would be to mark them left or right.

  3. Yum Yum says:

    I needed to laugh – I lay on my back with all my legs in the air sneezing with mirth – a little known fact when us dogs find something hilarious we sneeze….many times!!

    Have you ever tried buying a bra for a dog……..? Now thats tricky!!

  4. Curly says:

    Was hopeing for Wimbledon but had a welcome laugh at fashion. Has the andanotherthing treatment been given to “Modern Art”? That centipede wearing holy socks and cornish pasty shoes with a real beehive on its head- hitting every branch of the ugly tree on its fall down. GOT TO BE AN INSTALLATION IN TATE MODERN.

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