I have seen the future…my dog.


Can my dog Cato teach me about old age, certainly better than most people? My oldest dog is now 13½ (94 in dog years) and is showing traits and remarkable similarities to an older grumpier me. We both need to go for a pee in the middle of the night, are not fans of rap music, enjoy a long crap, doze in front of the TV and snore at night with intermittent gas leaks. We prefer our food cut into smaller portions, become remarkably deaf when nagged by my wife. However hearing is perfect if Cato hears a tin of Kanga Chunks being opened from 100 metres and a a faint cat’s meow on a TV show. For me it’s the pop of a cork out of a bottle or someone opening a packet of Malteasers. With this advanced age you would hope he has gained knowledge from experience, as I hope at least I have. However pugs have a brain the size of a satsuma so he still believes the vacuum cleaner is Satan’s willy and to be savagely bitten; the ping made by the Apple TV remote is The Archangel’s call for him to bark. One of our greatest pleasures is to go for a walk….or rather I and his much younger brother Notty go for a walk whilst he sits imperiously in his dog pram. Does this mean I am also heading for a 'bath chair' in my dotage? Now before you all blink in disbelief at such a thing go look on Google as to how many different dog pram manufacturers there are let alone models. Believe me the guy who came out with the first one is sitting on a beach somewhere clutching a drink with an umbrella in it, a toy boy or toy girl at his or her side and the day’s biggest problem is whether to have cracked crab or lobster for lunch. What we both are especially fond of is going for a drive and spending the week-end at some country hotel. However not all welcome pooches. There needs to be a Michelin Guide for pet friendly hotels and inns. “OK Mark let me have a look... heated dog basket, choice of bottled waters to drink from, bones in the mini bar and a rub down in the health spa by a French Poodle. Book it.”

...and another thing

His hair is going very grey so where can I get doggie Grecian 2,000?

“Yeah Mark, keep the grey whiskers they look distinguished… but get rid of the rest. Maybe a manny/peddy at the same time?”

His teeth are not in the best of shape, but as dogs have far more than we humans (42 as opposed to 32) he can afford to lose a few. I still have 31 of mine.

A friend in LA  recently told me of his neighbour in Point Dume (north of Malibu) who was walking his Alsatian and throwing a Frisbee on the beach. My friend caught it and threw it at the dog who grabbed it mid- flight.

A pearly white set of fangs grabbed the disc.

“Jesus,” my friend exclaimed. “His teeth put Tom Cruise’s to shame”

“They should…They cost as much,” replied the world famous Producer. “I fought like hell over custody with my ex-wife for Romeo (go figure, but that’s his name). I got week-ends on the basis I paid his vet bills. Just to have a dig at me she capped them all at a cost of $23,000.”

...and another thing

Now unfortunately my wife insisted the vet ‘pick his pockets’ when my pug was younger (cut off his nuts) so he is not in the doggie Viagra business though again I am sure there is a demand for that too.

However he is still delusional and thinks he is devastatingly attractive to female pooches and can be seen to wash his paws and check himself out in a full length mirror if one comes to visit. (I see no similarity here but my wife suggested I put that one in). She also mentioned that,

“Be careful what you write on the blog that his present may have in common with your future. He occasionally has to pee on a mat like he did as a puppy. Doggy nappies really…..”

My dog and I both agree on some things as we rattle into the autumn years. Life is to be lived, cats chased, cars driven fast and very few things beat a great meal…and so far I have avoided diapers!

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  1. The real Donald says:

    Not a grey hair in site – a few puddles around here though- “God bless America”

  2. The real Donald says:

    !! I’m considerably older than you both !! “God Bless America”

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