I'm a monkey...with hooves. My wife however is a dragon with a scorpion’s sting


Do we think we can divide the characteristics of the entire population into 12? I have at least 12 alter egos of my own, continuously morphing Mr. Men-like with special emphasis on Mr. Greedy, Mr. Grumpy, Mr. Arrogant, Mr. Silly, Mr. Self Delusional and Mr. Hangover. My wife no doubt thinks I'm Mr. Right and I know she is Mrs. Always Right. One thing people are not, however, is consistent.... unless it's being gullible. We all glance at the Horoscopes in newspapers (70 million a day in the USA). Daily horoscopes were a relatively late invention starting in the UK in 1930 and at the time widely criticised by 'true' astrologers as being inaccurate! Oh come on! Many columnists aren't even astrologers and are given a book by their Editor and told to get writing 12 columns a day. And have you ever noticed that no astrologer seems to go on holiday.... ever! Regular as clockwork 365 days a year the newspaper stargazer advises me (Sagittarius) that on one day I should "go with the flow" and then the next "seize the opportunity". My wife is warned because she is a Scorpio, she is possessive. I just tell her not to worry. The Marquis de Sade, Hilary Clinton and Marie Antoinette were all Scorpio.

...and another thing

The animals for the Chinese Year are in a distinct order. Legend has it the Jade Emperor wanted 12 animals to guard him and sent out a message that the first 12 to get there got the job.

The cast in order of appearance was Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon (my wife), Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey (me), Rooster, Dog, Pig.

It is a testament to our furry friends that the rat beat everyone and got there first. The tortoise never got a look in.

Clearly had the call gone out today….

Rentokil stops the Rat,

The Ox has no tail and so is rejected,

The Tiger being an endangered species is not allowed to travel without a permit,

The Rabbit has myxamatosis, is blind and got lost,

The Dragon (RIP) is replaced by another fire breathing animal (and so a religious fanatic); the Hyena,

The Horse is too busy at stud,

The Goat has a previous engagement with Satan,

The Monkey is on Keith Richard’s back,

The Rooster has an exclusive deal with Kellogg’s,

The Dog is still in Paris Hilton’s handbag

and lastly

The Pig creates too much division as to whether it is unclean or could be a deity… so is arrested.

The order of those who actually can answer the call and are free to run about now are:

Cockroach (instead of Rat),

Killer Bee (Ox),

Labradoodle (Tiger),

Hyena (Dragon),

Worm (Snake),

Ass (Horse),

Llama (Goat),

Dolly the cloned sheep (Monkey),

Macaw (doesn’t need hens, for Rooster)

Aibo, Sony’s robot dog (Dog)


A Quorn substitute (Pig).

In every case you can happily substitute the original Chinese characteristics with the above and relate them back to yourself!

If you don’t believe me start your day with a challenge. Read the horoscopes covering up the Zodiac or Chinese sign and guess which one is yours!

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