It's election time....


Does the patter of canvasser’s feet make me so upset? If there is one certainty in life, even if you promise me eternal youth and free parking in Kensington and Chelsea, I will never vote for you if you come bang on my door.... especially if I am eating, drinking, watching TV or generally larking about. The idea that someone armed with a clipboard and shoes like Cornish Pasties can impart even a smidgen of information I may have missed from the blitz of TV commercials, political flyers, endless news coverage and posters covering our nations like a rash, is ridiculous. "Goodness me. Are you telling me…

  1. The Tories are to lower tax,
  2. The Labour Party will raise them,
  3. The Green Party will make the tax demands themselves biodegradable?"
I suspect if you started a party that promised just to stumble on like all the others but never send a flyer, make a TV commercial let alone canvass your home and make it illegal for everyone else, they would win by a landslide.

...and another thing

I’m also not interested in voting on Facebook on which band out of six I think you never saw.  This sort of voting lists are either crass beyond belief or just a chance to show off. However if you insist, my list of musicians I saw live in concert and one of which I did not is the following.

Henry VIII (The Greensleeves concept album),

Ludwig Van Beethoven,

The Macbeth Witches (Hubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble Tour)

Kermit the Frog

Pia Zadora,

and Tiny Tim.

Too easy as of course Pia Zadora was never a musician.

...and another thing

Voting has of course turned into a fancy word for market research. Each time we are asked to vote on favourite anything, our response will be sold back to manufactures eager to know why I prefer Fiendish’s Fish Fingers to Bird’s Ear’s Fish Sticks. I don’t like either but there is nowhere to vote my preference of eating salmonella!

Then there is voting on TV shows. In those countries that allow it (such as the USA I was told), producers earn significant revenue when we ring in on shows like X Factor, Pop Idol or America’s Got Talent to save Fifi the singing Wombat from being jettisoned into the outer darkness. So maybe next time pause before you ring in to help pay for one of the judge’s recent facelift.

In reality most public voting is largely hopeless. As Churchill said, “Democracy is the worst form of government….except for all the others.”

There is one type of vote that would however get your attention.  Suppose you had just survived a particularly bruising encounter with a seven foot Watusi Warrior in the Roman Colosseum. A thumbs up vote from the Emperor that you live or thumbs down and you get shish-kebabed by your opponent’s trident.

That’s a vote that counts!





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One Comment

  1. Tony says:

    Hilarious and oh so true! Keep it up, my friend.

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