Just pack it in...


Do I take clothes on holiday I never wear? When my wife proof reads this article there is a high chance I shall be sleeping in the bath tonight at our next hotel destination... except of course I couldn't fit in as it will be full of cosmetics, dirty clothes, new shoes, etc, etc. My gorgeous wife would look wonderful in a sack (assuming it had a Prada logo on it) but to please me she likes to pack a different outfit for each evening. She argues logically that I too need to take a suitable variety of clothes. So I end up with enough costume changes to keep Madonna happy on a World Tour. I should be grateful my wife makes such an effort instead of complaining about suitcases the size of the Hindenberg. What I am really grateful for is neither of us like winter sports as at least flimsy summer stuff takes up less room than the Mr. Bibendum (Michelin tyre man) outfits needed for apres-ski.

...and another thing

Selecting enough holiday wear to ensure you match the various shades of your own sunburn is at least understandable. What blows me away is the other goodies I have witnessed stuffed into holiday bags.

The Dutch. They like to take chocolate sprinkles which they pour on everything from apples to zucchini and bags of potatoes! They believe their potatoes to be better than anyone else’s and it has become Joop and Lottie’s equivalent of the American Express card. Don’t leave home without it. (The bigger joke here is that they are actually Maltese potatoes that the Dutch rebrand as their own)!

I see English families gleefully unpacking tea bags or Heinz baked beans, French boarding flights holding saucisson the size of truncheons and the Germans with enough bottles of lager to float the Bismarck… each as if the worlds global economy were a fairy tale.

...and another thing

Then there are things people pack in hand luggage without a thought as to security screening. I stood behind a seemingly mild mannered young couple whose bag was opened and chock-a-block with S&M regalia. If you must take handcuffs, whips and other sex toys that look large enough to run on petrol rather than batteries, pack them in the hold!

However my favourite was my wonderfully eccentric Scottish neighbour in Malta who returned to England for a shopping trip for her new home in Lija. As she loaded one bag into check-in and found it to be a tad overweight the desk clerk asked what she had in there.

“The kitchen sink,” she replied. Indeed it was!

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