Light bulbs. The devil's own testicles!


Is the simple light bulb really the work of Beelzebub? Whenever a lightbulb goes 'ping' in my house, my whole day gets dimmer. Bayonet, screw in, full width, half width, 40 watt, 60 watt, clear, pearl.... pointless and endless variations.....yet on top of all that nonsense I now have to deal with eco friendly bulbs. These are a giant stride backwards. Firstly they are all fugly (f*cking ugly). The shape looks like Mr Whippy has poohed a glass. I guarantee Thomas Edison's prototype got brighter quicker. These new things need an eon to warm up before on full beam. It's like going back to old cathode ray tube tv's. I used to turn those on, go make a cup of tea, have a cigarette, a wee and when I came back my TV was just flickering into life. Eco bulbs.That's progress like saying a cannibal uses a knife and fork! However the palaver of changing normal bulbs pales compared to swapping out a halogen ceiling light. There are more variations how these little bastards screw into the ceiling than excuses Justin Bieber gives for speeding. Firstly as I try and get the inner socket out, ceiling plaster always gives my head a nice quasi-dandruff coating. Next, whichever catch spring or twisting technique Torquemada the builder fitted, the burnt out bulb clings to the socket like a slinky twenty year old Russian to a fat billionaire. So then I make the mistake of grabbing the bulb which is hotter than Satan's underpants and I a) burn my fingers, b) drop the bulb to the ground where it smashes. I try and reverse the whole procedure fitting a replacement. Another dusting of plaster this time in my eyes so I'm half blind as I try and screw the new one in. After wrestling with the fixture until I get neck camps I eventually get the bulb in...only to turn the thing on and discover it's not the bulb but the transformer that's bust. Frankly I'd rather use the man who invented these things as a human candle than have to change another.

...and another thing

Before I get a sack of hate mail that would impress even Simon Cowell, let me skewer a few myths about eco bulbs.

Firstly why do they have to have different wattage to the bulbs they replace. If I replace a 60w bulb I don’t want the ‘eco equivalent of 37.235679 watts’. Let’s just have simple categories. Flashbulb, bright, dim and dimmer than anyone on Jersey Shore.

Next. These bulbs all contain 5 milligrams of mercury. Yup how’s that for eco friendly. That means if it breaks in your house every time you vacuum the carpet dangerous levels waft into your lungs! Annually about four tons of mercury are now sprinkled into the environment thanks to these little beauties.

As an extra kicker these bulbs produce UV radiation. You know the stuff that tanning booths used to give you as a bonus to tanning you a fetching shade of condemned veal and caused skin damage and cataracts.

And longer life? A myth. Yes if constantly kept on they will outlast a normal bulb. But switching them on and off… them the same life expectancy. So unless you live in a 24 hour WallMart store and actually switch a light off, they are no improvement. They just cost more.

 So don’t be fooled.

Remember, light travels  faster than sound which is why someone can appear bright before they open their mouth.

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  1. Bradbum says:


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