Love thy neighbour... but only after you have moved


Are neighbours the source of so much pain? I understand that one in five people have disputes with their neighbour. What surprises me is one in five don't murder them! What is it about living in close proximity that brings out character traits that would test a saint! I once had a neighbour who clamped my car while parked on the tarmac strip in front of my own garage!  Apart from wanting to recommend him to a vivisectionist, I was at a loss at why a perfectly rational human being could morph into a manic traffic warden with nothing better to do than skulk behind twitching nett curtains on the look out for unwanted visitors. Sill, forgive and remember is my motto. Next he objected to lights on the driveway that came on when I reversed out as the bulbs 'invaded his personal space'. The fact I was trying to avoid turning one of his offspring into a fajita was irrelevant! The feuding and snipping went on until he went bust and had to move. I cried for days... with tears of joy! Once I lived next to a pub with a garden that bordered with my own. I only left the landlord a note of complaint once. Dear Landlord,  I wonder if you could ask your customers to smoke their cigarettes down to the butt before flicking them into my garden. The dogs tend to try and smoke half used ones and I am trying to get them to quit. Never had another problem. And got a case of beer as an apology!

...and another thing

Apartments and homes give us a sense of security. Granted if you live in the Ozark mountains no one is going to hear your appalling version of ‘ I will survive’ whilst having a shower or shout your head off whilst having sex. (Note to the atheists. Who do you talk to while having a blow job? Or do you also yell Oh God)?

However living cheek by jowl in a concrete box in the big city means privacy is what you make it. Every time a neighbour waltzes past his window stark naked, around 100 other people can see him or her. If you are Naomi Campbell or Brad Pitt, thank you for making my day. However most neighbours who parade around in the buff have a belly like a cowcatcher on a locomotive and a face that could curdle milk.

...and another thing

I love my dogs though they have occasionally been known to bark. But when they do, it is inside. My neighbour also has a dog, and I appreciate she wants everyone to share it’s charms. But if she can’t bare its yapping at 4 AM, she should perhaps think twice before shoving it out onto the balcony. It only has me tossing the hound a large chunk of toffee (taffy). Teeth stuck together = silence. She must wonder why it’s gaining weight and losing teeth though.

...and another thing

Apparently one of the biggest sources of neighbour complaints stem from gardening! I thought gardeners were as placid as koalas on Xanax. But no. Having a green finger often means using it to give the bird. Disputes starting with a stray branch lolling over a fence can escalate faster than you can say Kim Jung Un into a full thermonuclear stand off. Stories on the Internet range from people chainsawing down a neighbour’s tree to burning down the whole house…..and in one case a semi detached house which resulted in a fire that burnt down both homes.

...and another thing

So if you are having a problem with your neighbour, no need to scream and shout. Hold out the hand of friendship, say:

“Of course you  are right and come round and have a beer and a burger”.

Then you can pee in his beer and let your dog lick his burger and know vengeance is yours.

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  1. Angela Mortimer says:

    Well the one about the neighbours made me smile. Didn’t know he went bust.
    Hope new neighbours are better value.
    A X

  2. Clinton Mound says:

    The Donald had many a wee drink when visiting Scotland apparently

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