My Eyebrows are Silky Soft and my Hair Smells of Listerine


Hotel room designers must have one thing in common (apart from calling their children Nathanial or Poppy); vision so perfect they could see a flea get a hard on. Even with all the lights on, hotel rooms at night are as dim as a village idiot. It has some very disturbing results. Instead of the bell hop pointing out the bloody obvious like opening a small door and expecting me to be hugely impressed when he says 'fridge' instead of 'hotel cash machine' why can he not explain how the inevitable mishmash of light switches all relate to each other? I am forever getting into bed and hitting some knob that instead of turning the lights out, turns on a hairdryer or activates the TV. Even once Iโ€™ve mastered how the actual switches work, the lighting is so bad that my wife insists I bring a flashlight to help with her make-up.

...and another thing

The real challenge is the shower cubicle, (watching you don’t stub your toe on the chrome door frame that always sticks up by an inch or so). There you are faced with the Lilliputian array of bottles or sachets that all have tiny writing.

Either this means getting out to find glasses that you don’t mind get soaking wet or opening the bottles and pot luck. Inevitably this leads to squirting shampoo on my face (hence soft eyebrows) and mouthwash as hair conditioner.

...and another thing

Has anyone from the cosmetic firms ever tried to unscrew the bottle caps the size of a thimble with soap on their hands?

...and another thing

Why does a sign that says ‘to serve you better’ really mean ‘do it yourself so we don’t have to’? Electric kettle rather than room service, a shoe shine pad for your loafers rather than leaving them outside your door to be polished?

Still, at least you can watch the porn without it being itemised on your bill. Hotels have learned some things to serve you better…….

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  1. Peter says:

    Great blog !! I am glad you picked up on the labelling of the bottles in the shower. So annoying !! My wife has to line them up in a special order so we know what we are doing. So much easier if they were in bottles of a different colour …

  2. Magda says:

    And why not reducing plastic in hotel rooms too…Instead of 3 or 4 tiny plastic bottles : 1 for the soap, 1 for the shampoo, 1 for the conditioner, 1 for the cream…Why not put back real small bars of soap (I can anticipate that some will say…too small for our big hands ;-), and the shampoos, conditioners in bamboo (or wooden) boxes ???
    Regarding the towels being hanged at the other end of the bathroom, it seems that the person who organised the bathroom never takes a shower or a bath.
    Otherwise he must simply dry himself “naturally” with the air in the room or maybe the hairdryer left in the bathroom. But he definitely doesn’t use a towel. Otherwise he would realise the existing danger in sliding down the floor, with wet feet, banging your head against the wall…, in order to reach the towel hanged at the other side of the bathroom…(it happens…;-)

  3. Magda says:


    I hope that you are well. You seem a bit “down” by the reading of your latest thoughts and comments…

    It’s all about service, cleanliness and implicitly feel-good when booking a hotel room. Then of course, the customer needs to pay for that…
    Personally, one of the best room services I ever had was in Cannes, in Spain and a great experience in a B & B in Edinburgh ๐Ÿ˜‰
    The knobs to turn the light on are quite “vintage, no ? They remind me more being in a hospital bed then in a hotel bed…
    As for the last comment must be some “men’s” thingy…
    By the way today I read an article on a French newspaper written by a male journalist who went to see “Frozen 2” with his 2 sons…I haven’t watch the first one, neither the second one…But that journalist implies that Elsa is a Lesbian (that both animated movies, are pro LGBT…) because she hasn’t fallen for a “Charming” (= seducer, shitter…) “Prince” and she likes being alone. Excuse me ! Is it better to be alone than being with a “Prince” and why not a “King” who fancies jumping on any pretty Ladylike or not ladylike female ๐Ÿ˜‰ Maybe she fell in love with someone who : 1/ didn’t love her in return, 2/ was in another relationship, 3/ moved abroad (in another “Principauty”) or 4/ died when she was younger…No, for that “journalist” let’s keep it very simple…If she is alone and doesn’t want to find the Prince Charming she is a Lesbian…I am glad I am not with a “man” thinking like that…or over charming…;-)

  4. Jack Frost says:

    You seem to have traveled a lot – why not add a section on ‘Cool places to visit/stay before I die”? Cheers, great blog!

  5. Theresa Wright says:

    And what is this fashion now for open showers, so that one half of you is constantly cold? And the towels are invariably at the other end of the bathroom nicely rolled on shelves over the loo, but nowhere near where you need them.

  6. Patryk says:

    What would You say for deposit safe box being attached to wooden board.
    I remember rich arabic woman being robbed by pulling the safe off the …wooden board.
    It was 5* hotel on paper.
    You can see the service but who prepares it on the other end ?
    Hotels are full of nonsens.
    Regards Mark

  7. Winston says:

    I am convinced that there is small ventless room in hotel basements where all of the partially used soaps and ephemera are recycled and topped off. All these kids with hotel management degrees have to be working somewhere.

  8. Mike Wells says:

    ” I am forever getting into bed and hitting some knob” Hmmmm.

  9. Tony Ritz says:

    After spending a weekend in Globe, AZ, recently, I have to admit you checked all the boxes of frustration with my latest motel experience. Having to pour the contents of a mini bottle of ?? Into the Palm of your hand to try to identify the contents because your “old eyes” don’t focus. And why should you have to call the front desk for the WI FI password. . . . And those switches! You need a schematic to darken the room.
    Great blog.

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