My pet is a drug dealer


does my beloved dog get prescribed Prozac easier than me? It seems pets have far easier access to grade 'A' drugs than humans. My pug has been known to bark and the effect of our entire house going into packing cases and being shipped to Malta, now has him in paroxysms of fury. To be fair his eyesight is a bit dodgy and maybe at 13 years old he imagines all the tall wooden cases are people. ( As for the dogs thinking my friends are wooden...well that's a worry at a different level). So to calm his anxiety he has been proscribed Prozac. Who knows... if it gets worse maybe Xanax? He sure has taken on a calm 'Jack Nicholson-like' insouciance now. He's even relaxed and laid back as I prepare his food. Before he used to jump and pirouette in wild anticipation of the plate. Now he just watches looking at me as if to say: " Yeah, OK, Mark. Looks good, bro.Can I check those ingredients? No mono sodium glutamate, no artificial preservatives, contains 80% meat. Perhaps a glass of Pinot Noir with that?" When he and his younger brother go to the park I understand why other dogs come up to him so enthusiastically. They all think he's carrying! No barking, just a wry grin. I can almost hear him saying to the gathered crowd of fellow dogs: "Isn't that grass so green today? Hey, like what you did with your fur...Nice lead....., your owner still going through a bad divorce? Stressed? You should try these. Two bones a pill. Trust me. You'll just glide through the day....."  

...and another thing

A few weeks ago. I was staying with an enterprising and very dear friend of mine, a lovely man but square enough that I think he was born in a cubic womb. A successful Producer who has branched out of the movie business into the marijuana business and is a co-owner in one of LA’s most well known and now legal medical marijuana dispensaries; the wonderfully named LA Confidential. And he has a dog.That dog is the most popular hound I have ever met! Not only dogs, but humans are forever patting and stroking him. The pooch has a continual serene look on his face and I sometimes imagine he has his own deal going with his master’s shop!


...and another thing

Koala’s permanently chew eucalyptus leaves as it makes them high. Apparently they quite often fall out of the trees. They don’t hurt themselves as they are so relaxed! Next time you visit the zoo, bring along your iPhone and play a bit of Gerry Garcia and The Grateful Dead. The wee marsupial is bound to be a ‘DeadHead’.

Maybe drugs explain why in Peru the Llamas looked permanently wired. They stand around in groups chewing leaves, stock still as you approach except for maybe with the odd twitch in their eye and a slow deliberate munch. Get to close and vooom, off in a cloud of dust and flurry of the coca leaves that grow everywhere and which of course produces cocaine.

We all know that horses get slammed eating locoweed and bighorn sheep get their own special Rocky Mountain High from the hallucinogenic lichen that grows there. Indian Elephants apparently have grown very fond of beer.

Bees, however really  like to kick back. Being a worker bee is no bowl of honey. It’s all ‘pollinate this’ and ‘sting that’ and ‘….don’t forget to worship the Queen’. After a hard day’s buzzing around bees like a different buzz in their head and actively seek out fermented nectar. A bit like some humans,  the more wasted they get the more aggressive some become…and drinking and flying is a definite no-no so they just lie on their back in the grass wondering about the true meaning of life and why that bitch queen just gets to lay eggs and eat all day until… step on them in your bare feet whilst out for a wander in your garden at night. Painful for you, lights out for the bee.

But what is truly a mindf*ck is the Jaguar. Yup, not only do they look goooood  and move goooood but apparently quite often they feeeeeeeel good. That’s because they love to eat the hallucinogenic caapi vine. So next time you go all gushy when you see a picture of these fabulous felines laid out on a branch and slowly swishing his tail,chances are he’s stoned out of his paws!


Go Back

Add a comment:


  1. Yum Yum says:

    Can’t wait to get my paws on some – I am straight off to my Vet this morning. My Daddy is in need of a “Chill Pill” so I can share them with him!

  2. Tony says:

    OMG!! What a creative mind. I look forward to the Thursday MNG blog more than the Sunday funnies or the latest Sotheby’s classic car auction results. Thanks for the smiles, Mark.

  3. Colombian shaman says:

    Beginning to understand my in-laws
    Thank you for the insight

  4. james bradbum says:

    Many years ago I paid a visit to a Koala sanctuary in Sydney and there was one little honey with his arm in a sling. Apparently he got so stoned on EL he fell out of his tree and broke his little arm.

Add a comment: