Never drive behind someone sporting a wide brimmed hat…. and other vital rules of the road


Are certain driver types clearly a danger to themselves and others? As I drive along our crowded streets I find I have some consistency at whom I am invariably shouting at. Women or men in wide brimmed hats should be given a very wide berth indeed. They are constantly checking themselves in the rear view mirror without paying any attention to the cars snaking behind them for five miles as they trundle along. Their sole priority is to maintain their well turned out appearance. Any Uber Driver seems oblivious for the need to move at the maximum permitted speed limit but rather they glower and prod at their Satnavs, talk on their mobile to clients they cannot find whilst opening yet another air freshener. Nissan Micra drivers always seem to have a passenger with whom the driver is constantly arguing; hence the car swerves like doing the rhumba. However as the combined ages of the two passengers invariably exceeds a century and a half, the swerving is conducted at speeds a stray tortoise would have no trouble avoiding.

...and another thing

Learner drivers. Can they please avoid main roads in rush hour? It’s hard enough to maintain a modicum of sanity whilst stuck in a queue that goes on for a week without some nitwit stalling the car as the traffic lights go green. Also watch out for windscreen wiper blades going off when not raining. The learner driver actually meant to hit an indicator stalk and any moment they will swing left or right. And… can they start on automatics and graduate to gearshift? I followed a student in a Citroen the other day. The car was leapfrogging down the road in protest as some halfwit was unable to operate the clutch with the instructor gamely banging his head on the roof with each jolt.

...and another thing

Transport for London (and I assume the same alerts for all other major cities) is a contradiction in terms. It’s never about transport. It just tells me why I am not getting any; be it strikes, works or an accident. On top of that if you are a local resident who really knows the area (unlike most politicians and many councilors who are only on nodding terms with the day to day running of where you live) you seem to have no ability actually get done what you and fellow residents know is needed. Ever tried to get a traffic filter light added to a turning that takes you twenty minutes to cross?  I read with interest that around 9,000 residents have objected to a tube station in Chelsea, in central London. The local authorities have about 40 letters of support, many from the Councilors themselves and a few from supermarket chains. They say the station is needed for industry and employment! It’s a residential area. What industry??

...and another thing

Cyclists. It is simply lunacy to ride about in a black jacket with no lights on at night yet if a car hits the cyclist it’s the car drivers fault. Riders without lights should be water-boarded and keel-hauled….I mean politely stopped by anyone and told to get off the road. I have yet to see a policeman ever reprimand a cyclist for being invisible….I s’pose they can’t see them either?

Again in London the previously Teflon coated Mayor Boris Johnson has halved the width of a main route along the river to accommodate cyclists. Why not cut in half the pavement which no one uses and leave two carriages on the road? The day a lorry or car breaks down on that stretch of the Embankment, the traffic will stretch from the Houses of Parliament to the Tower of London….where if I had my way some of the road planners should be sent.

...and another thing

In two weeks’ time I leave these shores to relocate to Southern Europe. I will therefore follow this blog up on which donkey drivers are best avoid and the dangers of following a moped with an entire family clinging onto it like a motorbike display team.

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One Comment

  1. Yum Yum says:

    I needed a laugh today in this grey wet city and blog made me laugh out loud more than once!

    You’ve got the Uber drivers down to a fine T – they obviously have all come as a job lot from central casting.

    Wait with interest regarding the donkeys as I don’t think you’ll see that many lots of shoats riding motorbikes.

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