Not only is diet a four letter word, but Darwin was a lying bast*rd


Do foods I like to eat mean I have to diet? My wife has read me the riot act after indulging in too much Christmas pudding and Port. This is where I have a disagreement with Charles Darwin whilst floating around the Pacific in HMS Beagle. He had his Eureka! moment looking at finches in the Galapagos and noticing different beaks for different foods on different islands. “Aha,” he cried. “We evolve with our surroundings; especially with regards  to eating specific foods.” If, as a species, our diet evolves with our surroundings, surely the fact that I prefer the taste of a Jelly Baby to that of a raw carrot means my body, via evolution, adapts to the candy?  But no. My body apparently directly challenges my taste buds. “Jelly baby, No. Carrot, Yes.” On the other hand if my eating habits were purely hereditary rather than evolutionary surely I would be turning up my nose at a fillet steak or coq au vin whilst longing for a Tyrannosaurus Rex cutlet or Mammoth Osso Buco ? I prefer to think that evolution will catch up. Mac and cheese followed by peach cobbler and ice cream will hopefully do me or at least future generations, far more good than artichoke hearts and a tofu sausage. Mother Nature implants desire into us for our own good.  Humans are sex mad to keep up procreation. Therefore, there must be a method behind me salivating at the smell of frying bacon or going weak at the knees at the sight of a chocolate eclair!

...and another thing

Right now dieting makes my mind mainline food porn. My brain is enjoying messing with my stomach so every waking moment, all I seem to be able to think about is food. Today’s problem. Can I possibly justify a pizza the size of a dustbin lid as my daily carb intake tonight, if for breakfast I have a boiled egg and lunch just two sticks of celery and a tomato?

I have also turned into a Los Angelino. In LA-LA land, nearly everyone has dinner early to show they have to get up early to be on set…..or pretend to be working when ‘resting’! This is 100% true and when I lived there in the 1990’s it was nearly impossible to get a reservation in the more ‘show biz’  restaurants after 9.30pm. First sitting was at 5pm! My oh my how we sophisticated Europeans scoffed at this nonsense. The Spanish still considered eating at 5 pm as lunch.

Now however, my wife and I are adhering to this diet plan to only eat during 8 hours out of every 24. This means if we have breakfast at 9am then dinner is by 5pm!

...and another thing

Clearly lockdown has added untold calories to our diet. I have previously mentioned the absurd routine of opening the fridge door every hour or so expecting to find different content, despite no one having gone to the shops. However, although you can exercise daily, we are missing out on the normal calorie burning motions of routine life. Running for the bus, hoping on one leg after your foot gets stomped on in the crush of the subway or having a punch up with a parent at the school football touch line over a ref’s bad decision.

I firmly believe therefore, the Government should be doing more to encourage more exercise; it’s more sex for those locked in. Obviously that depends who you are locked down with and must exclude anyone living alone with just a pet.

However, along with free school meals and I-Pads maybe chucking in a few free Viagras might liven things up… especially at old people’s homes.

Of course you can always try and get quarantine for two weeks with the cute check out girl but I am not sure your wife would buy that!

If being overweight costs the NHS so much money, how about a scheme in dry January of a tax reduction based on percentage weight loss. The only people who would object to this incentive, are the already super skinny (although if you are truly anorexic perhaps you get benefits putting on weight) and those who are naturally fit.

I rather like the idea of those in the smug spandex-wearing brigade who permanently preen their physical and social superiority, being pissed off if I can get an extra few bucks having previously scoffed several  KFC party buckets the month before!

Stay safe

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