Psycho taught me to fear the shower.......


Does the shower hold more horrors than a Michael Moore documentary? The flat where I am currently staying requires the delicacy of a safe cracker to prevent me turning the faucet mixer so either I freeze or boil. Acceptable temperature is a gap of about two millimeters. Equally dangerous is the curtain. It's so close that it continually billows against me trying to wrap me up like a sushi roll. I have already mentioned the lunacy of hotel sized shampoo, conditioner, shower gel and mouthwash; all being in small little bottles that you need to wear glasses in the shower to read, (My Eyebrows are Silky Soft and my Hair Smells of Listerine.  Headings Health and beauty. April 16, 2015) but caps and tops in general are a nightmare. May I suggest the following letter to Proctor and Johnson  

Dear Mr./Mrs. Shower Gel/ hair treatment manufacturer,

 Perhaps one of your researchers/designers/marketing people might like to join me in my next shower?

 When I use your product, guess what? My hands are soapy. So a round little top that I need to unscrew (especially if it has a top that is shiny silver) just slithers in my hand like a fish. It's quite possibly the most useless invention since the Parisian taxi driver's manual for good manners.

 Actually I don't want anything that even has a top; be it unscrewable, twistable, pop-able .....Any top in a shower is superfluous to my bathing requirements. With nowhere to put it, I end up holding it in my teeth. Then it drops onto the ground. Next I step on it, swear loudly as it breaks as I can never reseal the damn bottle. Flip top only is my strong advice.

...and another thing

Showers…as in rain? Why has this early summer decided to hurl rain that drills into me? So far I have been hit with torrential downpours in Oakland (California), Paris, London, Lugano, Valetta (Malta) and Milan. Despite having umbrellas, I’d have been dryer if I had walked through a car wash….twice. The deluge was so bad in Lugano that I half-expected to see an elderly guy with three sons building a large wooden boat with animals marching inside two by two….

...and another thing

Perhaps equally difficult is for a man to be caught in a baby shower. Now for those of you who are not familiar with this oestrogen filled extravaganza, I’m not talking about raining Cabbage Patch Dolls. A tea party whereby the guest of honour is a heavily pregnant girl, surrounded by all her (usually very un-pregnant) girlfriends and usually unwanted female family members. High heels and designer dresses are the order of the day, except for the actual person having a baby. She sits there dressed in a tent wearing flats, chewing on a soggy cucumber sandwich and sipping ghastly thistle tea. Meanwhile all her friends show of their slim physiques whilst sucking down endless bottles of champagne. It’s like an entire herd of Patsy’s (Joanna Lumley from the TV Show Absolutely Fabulous) and one frumpy dumpy grumpy Edina (Jennifer Saunders). It’s a testosterone free zone and to be avoided more than root canal work.

Just remember the collective noun for a group of bastards is actually a shower of bastards. (Hence English character actor Terry Thomas referring to everyone as a ‘complete shower’). He was right. A shower of bastards….and bastards are showers.

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One Comment

  1. Norman Bates says:


    I’d planned to come and deal with the problems in your shower but , I’m trapped here with Mother washing my hair.
    Mother makes me buy the Industrial size shampoos for our new hotel in Malta and i just can’t seem to get away from her as quickly as I’d like. I’ve been showering here following the instructions on this 10 quart bottle of shampoo;- wash – rinse- repeat. Inconsiderate shower wrote those instructions I can tell you.
    As soon as I’m through here – I’ll be over and take a stab at solving those little problems in your shower PERMANENTLY . What’s that mother????

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