Save the planet…. but lose your mind


Is stupidity forgiven if it's environmentally acceptable? I accept plastic bags seem as indestructible as Donald Trump (and equally need to be done away with) but why in all that's holy am I not offered paper bags in UK supermarkets as an alternative. I either leave juggling unpacked groceries like I am auditioning for Cirque du Soleil or made to feel like I must sit on the naughty step as I have to pay for another plastic bag I don't want. On top of that staff from Safeways to Selfridges are getting very gun-shy at asking customers to pay for plastic bags that many want to now put over the check-out staff’s head!

...and another thing

Recycling. My own refuse collectors display a degree of honesty that would make a priest blush.

‘Recycling bags are boll*cks and everything goes in one crusher’.

Have all my neighbours been putting different kinds of rubbish into different plastic bags for nothing?  I hear horror stories from friends in other boroughs whose refuse men are like the Gestapo.

“Nein. Only von big bag per house viz ze plastix,and zwei kleine (small) ones for das stinky-rotten-food und dog poop.”

Do I have rebellious refuse collectors or honest ones? Either way I shall miss them. They take anything. In fact if you were dumb enough to fall asleep drunk outside my front door on a Thursday night, the last thing you might remember the next morning is being tipped into a foul smelling truck before being squished like so much pâté de foie gras.

...and another thing

I forever am nagged to switch things off. However even after you turn off your appliances, they continue to expend energy in a phenomenon known as “phantom power.” To stop this wasteful occurrence in its tracks, you actually have to unplug your devices entirely when you’re not using them. C’mon. It’s not going to happen in my house.

...and another thing

All the time I hear that plants use C02 and give out oxygen. We need to stop felling forests and plant more trees to counteract our overproduction of greenhouse gases (C02). Sound familiar?

Plants create oxygen yes, but they also turn the same amount of oxygen into CO2 again.

Plants produce oxygen as a by-product to produce glucose. To break down the glucose our green friends need the same amount of oxygen. So the rainforests have no effect whatsoever on the amount of oxygen in the air. If you were to take down all the trees on earth there would be no significant difference in the oxygen level (unless you were to burn all the trees of course). Plant new ones though and we will get a huge increase in O2. Only growing plants produce more oxygen than they use, because they ‘store’ the glucose.

So if you want to increase the oxygen level, the best thing to do is cut down all the trees on the planet and let them grow again.

How’s that Al Gore?!

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