Slow, slow, quick quick, slow


Walk to the loo when you can run?

I have eaten some spectacular botulism burgers and salmonella salmon sandwiches at airports. This kind of food is fast because it goes through your digestive system in a flash.

However ‘fast food or service’ that isn’t, is a far greater sin. Today I had to run to the bathroom not because of an upset tummy but because if I walked I would have missed my flight! All because it took nearly an hour to shop and eat.

Pay attention Duty Free Shop operators!

The key reason for being at an airport is to catch a plane.

Despite every indication to the contrary, Duty Free is not solely a shopping mall but part of a conveyor belt process to shift travellers onto a waiting aircraft... with an imminent departure time. (Unless you are flying Ryan Air in which case I would spend the days waiting to take off, doing the Christmas shopping. Even get a manny-peddy).

Once on the departure side of Passport control (and post a probable full cavity search) my time is limited. If Duty Free want to charge like The Light Brigade for a cup of Java and a salad that wilts like a Guardsman in a bearskin busbee in July, have enough people around so I can both  a) order and b) pay

In the shops they need  less people stacking magazine racks with The Morris Dancer Gazette or Podiatrist Today and more people available to open security locks on display items and on the tills.

I can understand having locks if a computer, expensive phone, camera etc. are on a rack... but  a plug adaptor? It took me longer to buy that than get through the hand baggage check. In addition the sole till operator had a ten minute banter with her colleague as to why the bar code on a bottle of Chanel No.5 never works.

...and another thing

Next up. The multiple ticket check. After I have been through three different checks of my passport and ticket do I really need another one at the boarding gate, one at the bottom of the perspex walkway tube and one in the plane? I would be unbelievably impressed if Johnny Terrorist could dematerialise and materialise through the walkway.

...and another thing

Finally, once on board things would speed up if Passport Control in addition to stamping your passport stamped the seat number on everyone’s forehead. Then I could at least direct the moron in the sombrero where to sit as he searches for his boarding card while holding up everyone else in the aisle.

Bon voyage   

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