The problem with a plane...


Are smells allowed free access to an aircraft cabin? There is a type of traveler that needs to be severely dealt with. Sorry, but if you have Body Odour that whips me, I ain't sitting next to you on a ten hour flight. In the same way they run those portable metal detectors round your body, they should have one of those electronic smell detectors they have on CSI. If you rate 4 noses or above on the sniffometer...unless you have a shower, you can't get on board. Then there is the 'What did you have to eat' interrogation. If you had a curry, baked beans or Brussels sprouts (with resultant imminent ass-coughs) you should also be forced to wait until you have fully digested the meal.

...and another thing

All airlines need to ban garlic flavored nibbles with drinks or any food whose aroma travels more than 12 inches. If they want to serve curry, do it in a nosebag!

Anything is preferable to the horrific flight I endured from Las Vegas to San Francisco with a fellow passenger eating garlic stuffed tacos the size of elephants ears and whose content ran down his chest like tomato lava.

“I wonder if you mind eating that outside?” I suggested.

An aircraft cabin is no place for people who produce any kind of smell…unless it’s a drop of duty free perfume!

...and another thing

Airports are now just shopping malls that happen to have an airline business attached to them.

I can easily compare prices of sunglasses advertised on a multitude of holdings but never find a monitor to see which gate my plane is leaving from.

Logically Duty Free is idiotic from an inflammable material point of view, let alone fuel cost. Who decided….?

“I know, let’s encourage people to buy really dangerous material to bring into the cabin. You know stuff that really gets a party going….. or a fire; perfume, alcohol and cigarettes. Then we will guzzle more fuel to transport tons of this dangerous freight all over the world.”

Passengers should collect Duty Free on arrival if your destination has a reciprocal agreement or pay a penalty to carry things in the cabin.

...and another thing

Wandering around Duty Free shops I am astounded at the size of what you can buy. The overhead locker Nazi Police micro-measure your bag as you board but in Duty Free you can buy a Harrods Teddy Bear larger than most children.

I am told most duty free is impulse buying so does that explain the shocked look I saw from a man flying to LA recently…

“Darling, I’m sorry you had to go to the gate before me. Just had to have a gorgeous little gold Cartier watch as my old Swatch has packed up…”

Perhaps I should carry my own clove of garlic in case my wife ever thinks of doing something similar. I can then pull it out as she wanders around Duty Free and make sure she sees me put it in my mouth every time she stops to examine something expensive to buy……

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