Three weeks in lockdown and I just got plastered


Are my best efforts to behave thwarted? After weeks of lockdown and too many visits to the fridge, my wife mentioned if I were to go for a swim in the sea I would be in danger of being harpooned by a Japanese whaling ship. “Your trouser top button is social distancing from the the button hole. Get in the gym.” If you are in lockdown with one person, the most important thing is to avoid friction or it will end like Lizzie Borden giving each other whacks with an axe. I duly pulled on some shorts (with an elastic waistband that was stretched tighter than a banjo string) jumped on my cross trainer, lost my balance and promptly fell off. Instead of burning calories I bust my wrist. If there is a God, she has a pretty rough sense of humour. Luckily it’s my left hand. “Don’t think that means you can’t use the treadmill,” my wife warned after driving me back from hospital. So boring. “I’m not a bloody hamster on a wheel,” I replied. Instead I created  snaxercise. Open the fridge, bend down, take out ice cream, stand up, take a scoop, bend down, put back ice cream, close the door, stand up. Repeat thirty times.

...and another thing

Boredom is the mother of invention. So I created a new game. Get five friends to turn on Sky News, CNN or similar at exactly the same time. Beforehand, each person places a bet as to how many seconds until the words COVID-19 are spoken.

Usually the longest is a minute or two but if you switch on at a random moment you can be in the middle of the commercials. It’s a hoot and quite addictive.

The wall to wall coverage on TV of COVID-19 makes the coverage of Brexit or Trump’s Impeachment fiasco look spotty. At least that was interspersed with sports news! For the first time in decades, news outside of this pandemic can only be found in newspapers.

...and another thing

There has been an avalanche of jokes and messages on my WhatsApp. Is it just the English speaking world doing this or is it worldwide? I cannot believe Herr German is bent over his sauerkraut and bratwurst howling with laughter at jokes but if it is the case then that is one tiny silver lining in all this.

Of course some of the humour is pretty dark or in the case of utterances from Presidents Xi and Trump, unintentional.

If I have any predictions when we come up for air after all this it will be…

A) Cash rich companies are going to find it irresistible to gobble up cash starved competitors. I am pretty sure the longer this goes on the longer the shopping list is for Amazon, Zoom, Apple, Microsoft, Google, big super market chains etc.
B) A whole bunch of antitrust cases will be opened as a result!
C) No matter how low the stock of airlines drop, they, unlike others in travel are essential. Stand by for bailouts.
D) A bunch of people will start a class action suit out of California to seek reparations against China by seizing shares held on the American exchanges by the Government.
E) We will all need larger size clothes!

Take care, be kind to each other and stay off gym equipment if your centre of gravity has changed along with your diet.

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  1. Magda says:

    Did a scoop of the ice cream fell on the treadmill, and you slided ?
    Or did you go on the treadmill full speed ???
    It is not nice…being at home + with a plaster…
    Well…, your wife and you could start some plastered art 😉 Decorating the plaster with drawings and paints 😉 Then when you’ll have it removed (in a month ?) you can ask the doctor to keep it as a souvenir and hang it by the that you won’t be tempted to eat the ice cream (pavlov effect 😉
    But if I am not wrong, you will still need to exercise, think about those poor muscles… they have been created to exercise 😉 All the best to both of you.
    And I agree boredom is the mother of inventions…

  2. Nina says:

    Thank you for the light relief and laughter xxx

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