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Do I increasingly feel like freight when I travel? A year ago I wrote a blog about my experiences on a car ferry from Spain to Italy ruminating that I was stuck on a floating 1973 disco. That was luxury. Not that I was expecting the Love Boat but I write to you now from the SS Slavetrader ploughing the waves from Palermo Sicily to Cittavechia/Rome Italy. If I listen carefully I can hear the beat of the drum as the galley slaves pull on their oars. My wife and I are in a cabin so small a mouse could not get a hard on. "Why are you not outside breathing lungfulls of Mediterranean Sea air or enjoying the amenities, you spoilt Limey,"  I hear you cry? Well despite being marked on the ships plan... The pool "I'm sorry senior, there is not one on this ship." The gym "I'm sorry senior, not on this ship." The Sky bar "I am sorry it is not in service this voyage." Admirals club, Imperial lounge, Gelataria, shopping arcade, cafeteria, shut shut shut! The sun deck "I'm sorry senior, there are no chairs on this ship.You are free to walk about though." However, oh joy of joys, all the slot machines are working!

...and another thing

They still describe holidays as ‘package deals’ but I never realised that I am the package.  Flying times up to three hours are pretty much a school bus trip masquerading as an aluminium tube with cabin crew there for a head count or a smack on the ear if you don’t do as requested.

I see that BA has been downgraded and I suspect if some of their cabin staff could find out who was responsible for such an injustice he would be made to sit on the naughty step on his next flight to New York as they obliging send his bags to Rio.

However it is of course our fault. If we insist on our flight to Benidorm costing less than the bus fair to Luton airport something has to give. Last time I looked neither Boeing nor Airbus were having a fire sale, fuel costs are now going back up and landing fees are rising straighter than a Harrier jump jet (R.I.P.). Wave after wave of security staff are obsessed that I am not packing a stick of gelignite in some bodily nook and cranny so I am checked and examined every 100 yards by someone different. These costs ain’t decreasing.

So bye bye service, toodle-loo chairs that recline, so-long switching on the aircon before take-off and cheerio to food that has a shelf life of under a decade. Say hello to simply being a package and most airlines really just DHL for humans. Look forward to a bar code on your ass!

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