Are the numerics on sizing so bizarre? In my hand I am holding something that extra small is still 7 inches and extra extra large is 11 ½ inches. Nope, it’s not my gentleman’s sausage, (you all have brains like sewers) it’s a glove and refers to sizes. Do you actually know yours, let alone what it refers to? You’d think at least it might be to do with length from the longest fingertip to wrist? Nope. The number is the circumference of your fist…. which is why as I have long fingers, gloves always hang on my finger-tips and end halfway past my second knuckle joint like long johns ending at my knees. It leaves my wrists perfectly exposed to get frostbite. As far as I am concerned any idiot who says what I have on ‘fits like a glove’ means it sticks out in five places.

...and another thing

Hat sizes are even more obscure. If your head measures 21 ½ inches or 54 centimetres it’s a size 6 ¾. A larger brainbox of say 25 inches or 64 centimetres is a size 8. Why? What possible relationship is there between the measurement of 21 ½ inches and size 6 ¾. Why not simply size 1 – 7 (there are 7 sizes apparently in The Hat Scale). If it was me I would mix phrenology with a bit of humour and so designate the smallest size Pinhead growing via Soccer Ball to Basketball ending with Neaderthal. I might even remember that.

...and another thing

How in the name of all that is holy, do we have to grapple with three shoe sizes. In the UK all our shoe sizes are at least one and a half sizes less that the USA. Is it that America is proud that everything in the USA is bigger? From their cars to servings in restaurants via their waistlines all the way to Politicians egos…. Does this credo of “I’m bigger than you” extends to shoe size? Or maybe our yank cousins believe in the correlation between the size of a man’s foot to the size of his appendage so by telling everyone that have a size 11 instead of a 10 a man might give off the suggestion he is hung like a baby’s arm holding an aubergine?

It’s like the scene from the movie Spinal Tap and having the volume on the Amplifier go all the way to 11 rather than 10. It’s just a bloody number. Why can’t it be consistent?

Of course the Europeans say

“Our beautiful and elegant tootsies are only wrapped in a finely crafted leather shoe. Yes, that can work out at costing up to $50 per toe yet the result bares no relation to the flat footed ugly English speaking feet. For those Anglo Saxons, the height of fashion is either a Gumboot (a rubber wellington boot) a sports shoe made by an underage kid in Asia or a flip flop. We Europeans will create an entirely new set of sizes that have nothing to do with this crime to the God of Podophilia (foot worship). Their size 9 English or 10½ American is our 42. They want our shoes, learn our shoe language.”

...and another thing

Rings. Should be simple….but no there are 6 different scales. British and Australian, US & Canadian, French and Russian, German, Japanese and Swiss.

I understand that the Japanese being usually small and petite, would need a scale that has the very smallest sizes…Nope. Their smallest size is in fact not even small. It is six sizes larger that the smallest size of all the others!

The only size the Swiss care about is the actual total number of a bunch of rings left on deposit by a shady dictator –often with fingers still attached.

The Germans have such huge sizes I can only assume this includes rings from bull’s noses.

The French and Russians have been stealing rings of each other through 10 wars from 1721-1841 and I suppose to make each invasion simpler co-ordinated ring sizes.

“ Hey Napoleon if you do get to Moscow and start guillotining the Russian aristos my wife needs a diamond ring size 54… like the one they took from us during the War of Bar Confederation in 1772.”

However as between the different ring scales they have as much in common as the current Republican Party Presidential Candidates.

Size E in the UK & Australia is

2 ½ US & Canada

42 ¾ French & Russian

13 ¾ German

3 Japanese

2 ¾ Swiss

Now you know why the United Nations never agree.

...and another thing

The one size that gets me is my fingertip. Do designers of keypads, pushbutton sequence codes or entrances to buildings all come from Lilliput? Right now even my Pinkie covers two letters on my i-Phone my forefinger is forever ringing three doorbells. At least I’m not a Sumo wrestler. They all have iPads to use as phones as they cannot even hope to dial on i-Phones….How do they pick their nose though?

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